Stars Can't Shine Without Darkness
by AndreeaRaducan
Summary: AU. The suicide of the eldest Jareau girl threatened to tear the family apart. When a new danger comes at them from the inside, they learn that their little family is unbreakable. Rated T for mentions of suicide.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This idea has been on my mind for a very long time. It's a theme and idea that is very close to my heart, something I am very affected by in real life, and I would much appreciate if people could please think and use a little tact when reviewing this. Some days, I think about this and I am close to tears, so please, be respectful when leaving comments (not saying you won't, just saying there are people out there).**

**I will explain **_**why**_** this is so important to me after the main plot point of the story has been revealed, because I don't want to give away the story before it's even started.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates. I'm really just toying with them in the same manner that a cat toys with a mouse before killing it. Only I won't kill them. Promise.**

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_~If there is no struggle, there is no progress~ - Frederick Douglass_

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**June 20, 1989**

The sun was slowly sinking down in the sky over East Allegheny as young children ran around the large soccer oval beside the park, kicking a ball happily, yelling and cheering when their makeshift team scored.

Three streets away from the park, eleven year old Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau was buried beneath the comforter of her bed, her face buried in her pillow as she clutched one of her old ratty teddy bears to her chest. Tears fell from her tightly closed eyes, soaking the cotton of the pillowcase beneath her face.

It wasn't fair.

Why did Rosaline have to take herself away from them?

Despite the tears falling from her pretty blue eyes, JJ was the angriest she'd ever felt in her life. She wanted to kick and scream, throw her sister's things. She even wanted to hit her sister, make her feel as much pain as she was causing them.

Her sister was her guide, her protector, the one who JJ knew she could talk to. JJ had admired her in so many ways, imagining that one day, she too would look just like her big sister

In that moment, she hated her sister for killing herself, and she hated her for leaving them.

Sitting up with the comforter still wrapped around her, JJ threw an angry punch at the wooden headboard of her bed. Imagining it was her sister, the sister who had so cruelly abandoned her on this earth, she cried as she threw punch after punch at the chunk of wood.

She kept going until the wood had splintered and stuck into her skin, until her knuckles were bleeding and raw. She kept going until her brother, who she had not heard enter the room, pulled her into a tight hug from behind, dragging her off the bed to sit on the floor.

"Let me go James, let me go!" JJ sobbed hysterically, turning her anger on her brother as she started to beat her clenched fists against his chest, leaving bloody spots on his blue T-shirt.

"JJ, stop, stop it, ok?" James said tearfully. "I'm as angry as you are. But punching the shit out of your headboard and breaking your knuckles is not going to bring her back"

As the reality of her brother's words sunk in, all JJ could do was cry.

So she buried her face in the curve of her big brother's neck and sobbed for the loss of her big sister, not even registering when James started to cry as well.

Her head was aching.

Her eyes were stinging.

Her heart was broken.

She didn't even care about the blood dripping from her injured knuckles.

All she wanted was her sister back.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I am on a serious Albannach kick right now. If you haven't listened to them, I suggest Youtubing their songs 'The Gael', 'Hooligan's Holiday', and 'The Wanted Man of Barra'. Amazing, amazing band. Celtic band actually. (I'm of Scottish heritage so I've been raised in an environment where I learned to love and appreciate bagpipes and the beauty of Celtic music).**

**Anyway, I was rereading the reviews for Say Something. It's really heartwarming to know I was missed. And while I wish I hadn't taken that big gap, a lot of things happened in those three months that changed me personally, humbled me, and opened my mind. I think my writing has definitely benefited from those experiences. One of those things is what this story is about. But I won't reveal it yet; I don't want to spoil the story for you.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates. But I WILL SOON! **_**"does an Irish jig and cackles maniacally as I plot my world domination"**_

**Yes I'm totally nuts.**

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_~It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace~ - Chuck Palahniuk_

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**June 26, 1989**

Laying on the couch staring blankly at the TV, JJ was too numb to even think about doing anything. It was like she was on autopilot. Everything that needed to be done; eating, going to the bathroom, brushing her hair...she just did, without any thought whatsoever. But it was only the basic daily ritual that got completed. She never did anything more.

It had been a week since Rosaline committed suicide, and every member of their family had found a different way of coping.

Their father, Michael, had taken to sitting in the back garden, absently tending to the flowers and shrubs that were growing there. The roses reminded him of his eldest. His Rosaline, his little rose.

Their mother, Sandy, was distant and detached. She would either sit in her bedroom all day, crying softly for the child she could no longer hold, or on her better days, would sit at the kitchen table, staring blankly at the day's newspaper.

James would disappear for the entire day, JJ's soccer ball under his arm when he left and returned. Normally, JJ would have had a fit at him for taking her soccer ball; it was _her_ lucky ball, the one that Rosaline had gotten her for Christmas.

She was too mad at her sister to care. She didn't care if James destroyed the ball, she never wanted it near her again.

JJ knew she wouldn't be so numb if she hadn't been the one to find Rosaline. If she hadn't found her in the bathtub in the early hours of the morning, blood oozing from the gashes on her wrists the same way the blood had dripped from JJ's injured knuckles just a week earlier.

Swallowing thickly, JJ pushed herself up off the couch, getting to her feet slowly. She grabbed the armrest as she swayed unsteadily. Her head felt heavy because she'd cried so much. Her eyes were puffy and red, which was almost a constant state for her.

Pressing a hand to her head, she squeezed her eyes shut for a moment. She had a thumping headache; she wasn't sure if it was from lack of sleep or crying so much, but either way, it was royally pissing her off.

Shuffling through to the kitchen, she found her mother sitting at the kitchen table. As expected, the daily newspaper sat in front of her, pages ruffled slightly from where they had been turned.

"Mom," JJ croaked, her voice raspy and hoarse. She hadn't spoken very much in the past week, and that combined with her outpouring of tears had left her with practically no voice.

"Yeah?" her mother asked vaguely, lifting her face to look weakly at her youngest child.

In the moment when they made eye contact, JJ could've sworn she saw a hint of an apology in her mother's eyes.

'_I'm sorry I'm not parenting you like I should be.'_

"I have a headache," JJ told her, straining to get the words out. Every time she opened her mouth, she felt like she was going to vomit; the headache was not helping.

Sandy sighed, but immediately regretted it. Her youngest child needed her, and she was too broken to care.

"Take some Motrin and go lie down for a while," she said absently, looking back down at the newspaper.

JJ nodded sadly, turning towards the cupboard above the refrigerator where all their medicinal needs were kept.

Opening the cupboard, she strained upwards on the tips of her toes, the tips of her fingers just brushing the box of Motrin, managing to knock it from the cupboard and into her hands.

Popping two pills from a blister sheet, she filled a glass with water and quickly downed the medication. She drained the remainder of the glass before setting it down beside the sink, and replacing the Motrin box at the top of the cupboard.

Without even acknowledging her mother, she left the room, traipsing back to her bedroom and collapsing on top of her bed.

Laying there for a few moments, she breathed deeply, her eyes falling closed as she tried not to cry _again._ Crying was becoming physically painful because of how sore her eyes already were.

Curling up in a ball, she wrapped the ratty old blanket she'd had since she was a little girl around her shoulders. It wasn't cold, but she wanted something around her. Something to remind her what it felt like when Rosaline used to crawl into her bed and hold her to protect her from the thunderstorms.

Once that thought had crossed her mind, there was no holding the tears back. Squeezing her eyes shut, she buried her face in a fistful of the blanket, muffling her quiet sobs.

She cried for a few minutes, lifting her face when she felt a gentle breeze flutter through the open window. Looking up, she saw the peachy coloured sky, scattered with grey. The scent of rain floated in through the window, the breeze raising goose bumps on her skin.

The reflection of the slowly sinking sun bounced off of something to JJ's left, catching her off guard.

Turning her head, she saw the necklace. The one Rosaline had given her the afternoon before she committed suicide.

Reaching out, she took the gold necklace in between her fingers, pushing herself up to sit on the edge of the bed as she did.

Looking down at the pretty gold heart that she had yearned for for so long, she felt a lump the size of a soccer ball welling up in her throat.

Letting out an angry yell, she stood up, hurling the necklace through the open window before sinking to her knees at the edge of her bed, the tears falling once more as she dropped her head towards her knees, her hands pressing against the ache in her head.

She was so mad at her sister.

No. Not mad.

She hated her.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Amazing things happened on Twitter the other night. Just...ah...so proud and appreciative of everyone who participated, thank you so much.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its affiliates or characters. After my outburst during the last disclaimer, I was taken to the police station and forced to write this out 1000 times.**

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_~There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds~ - Laurell K. Hamilton_

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**July 16, 1989**

Kicking the soccer ball against the back wall of the house, JJ was trying so hard not to think of Rosaline. To try and quell any thoughts that tried to creep in, she kicked the ball as hard as she could in the least feminine way possible. Rosaline used to hate it when she did that.

"Come on peanut," Michael called from the door.

JJ looked up at her father, scowling. "I don't want to go to the doctor"

Michael frowned. "Don't pull a three year old tantrum on me. I know you're upset, but you haven't been feeling well, what with those headaches and not being hungry. We just want to make sure you're ok"

JJ huffed, booting the ball one last time and letting it shoot off into the backyard before traipsing over to her father.

Following him from the back door to the front door and out into the car, she was _not_ happy. She wanted to stay curled up in bed, clutching Rosaline's necklace in her hand.

Flopping into the front seat, she buckled her seatbelt, leaning against the window and scowling at the world outside as her dad pulled out of the driveway and drove off.

As they got on the highway that would take them to the doctor's surgery, Michael kept glancing over at JJ, who was slumped against the window with a disheartened frown on her face.

He was worried about his little girl. He understood she was upset; they all were. She missed her big sister, and would have to live with the horror of finding her that morning for the rest of her life.

Once a happy, excitable child, she was now miserable most of the time. Her lucid moments came and went, a smile every now and then. James was able to make her laugh, which Michael was grateful for.

He only hoped that as Rosaline's death got further away from them, so did the dark cloud that seemed to reside over JJ's head.

* * *

"Ok Jennifer, what seems to be the matter?" Dr Melinda Harring said warmly, turning to face JJ after she finished filling out the patient information form for the records. Michael was sitting in the chair beside his daughter, his arms folded as he watched his little girl with concern.

"I don't feel well...get headaches and I'm not hungry," JJ mumbled.

"Where do you feel the pain?" Harring asked, poising her pen over her notepad.

JJ vaguely gestured around her head. "Kind of all over the place. Sometimes I feel it at the back more, but it's usually just all over"

"And how bad would you describe the pain?" Harring continued, quickly scribbling down JJ's description.

"Like a dull ache...like it's not bad, but I notice it, and it kind of feels like a lot of pressure in my head," JJ explained, fumbling for the right words to say.

"Alright, well let's get you sitting on the gurney, and then I'll check you over and we'll see if we can find out what's going on," Harring said lightly. JJ nodded, sliding off her chair and following the doctor to the other side of the office, where she climbed up and sat on the edge of the gurney.

Once JJ was seated, Harring took a thermometer, wiping it with a sterile wipe before gesturing for JJ to open her mouth. Placing it under the young girl's tongue, she took her ear light and took a quick look in JJ's ears.

"You haven't had any ear pain or dizziness? Headaches and loss of appetite can relate to ear infections," she asked.

JJ shook her head.

"Ok," Harring said softly, placing the light down beside JJ and gently feeling under the young girl's mandible for her lymph nodes. "Nothing feels swollen..."

Making a quick note on her paper, she reached around behind JJ, gently feeling the vertebrae in her neck. "Do you play a sport Jennifer?"

JJ nodded.

"What do you play?"

"Soccer," Michael pitched in softly, standing up to move beside his daughter.

"Has she taken any falls or injuries recently that could have done damage to her neck?" Harring asked, checking the thermometer.

Michael thought for a moment, a frown crossing his face. "No...no, she hasn't played since school finished, and she didn't take any falls prior to that either"

Nodding, Harring removed the thermometer from JJ's mouth. "Temp's normal. It doesn't look like an infection or a virus. It's most likely just early onset of puberty. Hormones increasing can cause headaches and changes in appetite, not to mention the start of growth spurts and changes. Jennifer, you'll probably find that you'll get your period within a couple of years"

Michael swallowed thickly, trying to keep a straight face. Did he really have to entertain the thought of his little girl becoming a woman? All those changes...couldn't she stay his little soccer champ forever?

Looking down at her notepad, Harring looked back up at her patient. "Any other symptoms besides headaches and no appetite?"

JJ shook her head, twisting her thumbs together as she sat there in front of the two adults.

"She's been quite irritable lately," Michael said gently.

"No I haven't Dad, be quiet!" JJ snapped, looking up at her dad angrily. Eyes burning with anger, she looked back down at her feet, mad at her dad for speaking for her.

Something clicked in Harring's mind as the third symptom came into play.

"Has there been any kind of traumatic event in your family lately? It could've been anything, a pet dying, someone passed away-"

"Her sister died," Michael said gruffly, his gaze dropping to the floor. "About a month ago"

Looking at the young girl before her, Harring felt her heart break. The mumbling, the refusal to look anyone in the eyes...it all made sense now.

Grabbing her referral pad, she scribbled down a quick name and number, handing it to Michael.

"Jennifer, I'm not a psychologist, but I have a feeling you may be suffering from mild depression if it's not onset of puberty. Your symptoms fit...I'm referring you to a psychologist I know, brilliant man, very good at what he does"

Turning to Michael, she gave him a small smile. "Make an appointment with him. All he will do is sit and have a chat with Jennifer, see if he can't suss out what's going on. If he thinks there's something going on, he'll ask you to come back. If he doesn't, he'll refer you again or leave it as is"

Michael nodded, tucking the paper into his wallet. "So if it's not depression, it's probably puberty"

Harring nodded in agreement as JJ slid off the gurney. "Exactly what I'm thinking"

JJ blocked out the remainder of the conversation, numbly following her dad out to the front desk while he sorted the bill.

"So what do you think peanut?" Michael asked as they climbed into the car ten minutes later.

"I'm either getting old or crazy," JJ muttered, pulling her seatbelt across herself and clicking it in place.

Michael chuckled. "We'll find out what's going on, don't you worry"


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews for the last chapter guys, I'm glad you're enjoying the story!**

**How do you like the cover?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

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_~Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened~ -Dr Seuss_

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**July 22, 1989**

The ball glided over the grass on the soccer oval, coming to a rest when James stopped it easily on the inside of his foot.

"Nice kick JJ!" he called to his sister.

"Better than yours!" JJ called back, making him laugh.

Easily booting it back to JJ, he watched as she ran towards it and nailed it off the end of her shoe, sending it curving up into the air.

As it bounced off the grass towards James, he noticed JJ reaching for the back of her head. Seeing the expression on her face, he knew exactly what it was.

Those goddamn headaches.

"JJ? You ok?" he asked as he walked towards her with the ball now in his hands.

JJ looked up, nodding at her brother. "Yeah, I'm ok"

James watched her closely, noticing how she winced when the light got in her eyes. Judging by the way she was holding the back of her head, she was in a fair amount of pain.

"Well, I'm kinda tired, and Dad should be making lunch soon. Shall we head back?" he suggested.

JJ nodded gratefully, secretly glad that he didn't make her headache a reason to go home. She didn't want to admit that her head was hurting.

Walking beside him as they left the park and headed down the street towards home, JJ kept her eyes on the footpath. She also didn't speak; the headache felt worse than usual and she was afraid that if she looked up or opened her mouth, she would vomit.

It only took five minutes to walk from the park to home. Leaving the ball at the front door, the two kids slipped into the house, leaving their shoes in the pile by the door that their mother hated so much.

"Perfect timing. Your father's making lunch," Sandy mumbled absently as she passed them to go upstairs to her bedroom.

James nodded at his mother, placing an arm around JJ's shoulders and steering her into the kitchen, where their dad was making grilled cheese sandwiches.

"There's my soccer stars," Michael said warmly, placing a sandwich on each of the three plates laid out. "Take a plate"

James eagerly took one; he was starving after an early breakfast and all the running around at the oval.

JJ stood for a moment at the counter, looking at the plates before her.

"Can you make me another one, Dad?" she asked softly.

"I sure can, peanut, you hungry?" Michael replied.

"No, I just...Mom doesn't eat. I bet she would like one too," JJ explained, sliding one plate off the bench.

Michael smiled, nodding slightly at his youngest as she turned and left the kitchen to go upstairs. Even though she was still deeply hurt by Rosaline's death and was grappling with the mystery head pain, she still had a heart of gold.

Moving slowly down the hallway to her mother and father's bedroom, JJ held the plate tightly in her hands.

Reaching the slightly ajar door, JJ gently pushed it all the way open, seeing her mother sitting in the middle of the bed, tears falling down her cheeks.

"Mom?" she asked softly, crossing the room slowly and setting the plate down on the nightstand. "Mom, are you ok?"

When Sandy didn't reply, JJ climbed up onto the bed, sitting down beside her mother and wrapping her arms around her, resting her head on her shoulder.

Looking down, she realised that her mom was sorting photos of Rosaline.

Seeing the pictures of her sister smiling and happy, JJ felt a lump well up in her throat. What had made her so unhappy that she didn't want to live anymore?

Tears began to fall from her eyes as she buried her face in her mother's shoulder, feeling her mom's arms wrap around her and hold her close.

"I love you Jennifer," Sandy murmured tearfully, running her hand up her youngest child's back.

"I love you too," JJ replied, the phrase rolling off her tongue easily despite the fact that it wasn't said often enough in their household.

They held each other for a while, providing each other the comfort they'd longed for since Rosaline's death, especially JJ. All she'd wanted the day Rosaline died was to be held and comforted by her mother, to be told that everything would be ok.

It never happened.

Pulling back, JJ wiped her eyes as she reached over and lifted the plate from the nightstand.

"I brought you something to eat," she sniffed, holding it out to her mom. It wasn't cold, but it wasn't hot either. She didn't think her mom was going to eat it anyway.

Sandy smiled gratefully at her daughter, taking the plate from her hands. "Thank you"

Looking up at her baby girl, Sandy placed her hand against the side of JJ's forehead. "How's your head?"

"It hurts. Bad. But I'm ok," JJ replied, wanting to assure her mom that she was ok. Sandy was fragile enough as it was without having to worry about her youngest daughter as well.

They sat in silence, looking at the photos of Rosaline as Sandy nibbled on the sandwich. Most of the photos didn't upset JJ very much.

They gave her a sense of comfort.

To see her sister happy and smiling, instead of the sad closed off girl she'd been in the weeks leading up to her suicide, gave JJ a warm feeling in her heart. She still missed Rosaline like hell.

But at least she could still see her happy.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Who has no idea where this story is going?**

**Slightly shorter chapter but I hope you like it.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

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_~I will not say, do not weep, for not all tears are an evil~ - J.R.R. Tolkien_

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**July 29, 1989**

"So what grade are you in Jennifer?"

The question brought JJ out of her thoughts and to the reality of where she was sitting. She was sitting in the therapist's office, being asked a number of questions by a man whose name was Dr Martin Wallace. She knew why she was there; Dr Harring thought she was depressed.

Maybe she was, maybe she wasn't.

"I just finished fifth grade," JJ replied softly, watching as he toyed with the biro in his hand.

"Do you like school?" Dr Wallace asked warmly. He smiled when JJ nodded.

"Yeah. I don't really like maths and science and all that...but I like English and gym class. They're my favourites. And seeing my friends," JJ replied happily. Wallace's smile grew as he took in her expression.

"You like gym class...so does that mean you play any sports?" he continued.

"I'm on the soccer team. I kick real hard," JJ said simply. Wallace laughed.

"That's always a good quality for a soccer player," he replied lightly. "Definitely good"

JJ smiled somewhat proudly, her fingers seeking out the necklace that sat around her neck. She found herself clutching it like a lifeline some days, especially when her headaches got really bad. It helped her feel that tiny bit closer to Rosaline.

"So, Jennifer, how do you get along with your parents and your brother?" Wallace asked.

JJ thought for a moment. "I guess we get along ok. My dad and I play soccer together, and sometimes my brother joins in. Dad helps me with my homework and _sometimes_ we read together before I go to bed. We've been doing that since I was little"

Wallace nodded, smiling at the girl before him.

"And my brother and I fight sometimes, but nothing serious, we actually get along quite well. My mom and I...we get along. Sometimes we fight, but it's always over stupid stuff. Except for the time when she grounded me and said I wasn't allowed to be in the soccer game. That was _not _ cool"

Wallace bit back a grin at JJ's words, making a quick note on the pad beside him.

"But we haven't talked a lot recently because she's really sad all the time"

Those words made Wallace lift his face and study his patient intently.

"Why is your mom sad Jennifer?"

JJ dropped her gaze, looking down at her lap as she shuffled her feet on the carpet. Tears filled her eyes and she was quick to swallow them back.

"My sister killed herself. Right after school finished," she said quietly, her voice barely above a whisper. "I miss her a lot"

Looking at his patient sadly, Wallace made another quick note. He was starting to form a vague idea of what made the young blonde before him exactly who she was.

"I feel better whenever I'm wearing the necklace she gave me. It used to be hers...she gave it to me before she died. It makes me feel like she's close," JJ explained softly, lifting her blue eyes to meet the dark eyes of the psychologist.

Wallace said nothing, just sat for a moment, watching JJ's body language.

She had so much to handle, at such a tender age.

* * *

Wallace smiled as JJ bounded into the waiting room and threw her arms around her dad, who hugged her tightly in return.

Leaving JJ to sit beside her brother, Michael approached the doctor, seeing that he was relaxed and free to talk.

"Can I ask how she went?" he asked hesitantly, knowing that therapists couldn't share information.

"I can't tell you what she said...but I can tell you that she seems perfectly healthy aside from the headaches. I can't find any reason to diagnose her with anything other than grief. The sadness and mood swings seem to be a result of her sister's passing, which is completely normal, and will lessen given time," Wallace explained gently.

Michael nodded. "Thank you," he said, reaching out to shake the doctor's hand.

JJ came up to the two men, her brother behind her.

"Now, Jennifer, if you ever want to talk about anything, if there's something that's bothering you, you can just ask your dad to schedule an appointment any time you like," Wallace said warmly to the young girl before him.

JJ smiled slightly, looking up at the older man. "Ok"

She kept a straight face all the way out of the office to the car. She bit back her expressions all the way home.

It was as she reached her bedroom and closed the door behind her that she crumbled, collapsing to the floor with her head in her hands. Gasping sobs of pain left her body as she fought to stay quiet, to hide the pain that was coursing through her head.

Only one coherent thought could form in her mind as the waves of pain passed.

What was wrong with her?


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Yay for uni starting next week...I'm going to get as far through this as I can before Monday!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

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_~Numbing the pain for a while will only make it worse when you finally feel it~ - J.K. Rowling_

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**August 14, 1989**

Collapsing over the toilet bowl, JJ squeezed her eyes shut as her stomach rebelled against her and expelled its contents.

"Woah, peanut, you ok?" Michael asked in surprise, seeing JJ through the slightly open door. Pushing it open all the way, he came into the room as she stood up and flushed the toilet.

"I'm fine," JJ choked out, moving over to the sink. As her father reached out to place his hands on her shoulders, she swatted him away.

"Leave me alone, Dad, I'm fine," she snapped, turning on the tap.

Michael frowned. JJ's mood had been getting steadily worse over the last couple of weeks. At first, she had just been irritable and moody. Now, it was almost permanent. Not to mention the headaches were no longer headaches; it was just a chronic pain which had resulted in JJ going to see a head and neck specialist earlier that day.

"Ok...well, if you need anything, come and get me or your mother, ok?" he said softly, turning and slowly leaving the room.

"Yeah whatever," JJ mumbled, washing her hands and rinsing her mouth before leaving the room. She just wanted to be left alone. Did her dad not understand that?

Crawling into her bed after closing her bedroom door, JJ settled her head against the pillows, closing her eyes to try and fall asleep.

It was the only time she could escape the pain.

* * *

"So what did the specialist say today?" Sandy asked as Michael sat down beside her in the lounge room.

"He can't find anything physically wrong with her. He was absolutely baffled by the pain she's in," Michael replied. "I'm losing hope that she's ever going to get an answer"

Sandy sighed. "You know, at first...I thought it had something to do with...with Roz. But now? It's really starting to worry me"

Michael took his wife's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "She'll be ok. We'll get an answer soon enough. I've made an appointment with a neurologist, but he couldn't get us in until the ninth of September. I took that one, and in the meantime, we'll just keep trying"

Sandy smiled. "She's handling it well though...she doesn't complain that it hurts that often, and with everything else that's been going on...well, I'm just really proud of her"

Michael lifted his arm, putting it around Sandy's shoulders and holding her close as he kissed her temple. "I am too. She's our little champion"

* * *

**August 17, 1989**

Tossing and turning for most of the night was not how JJ had planned her night to go.

She had managed to fall asleep. But a particularly nasty wave of pain had woken her up just a few hours later.

Now she lay staring at the ceiling, willing her head to stop hurting for just ten minutes so she could go back to sleep.

Hearing a familiar set of footsteps going across the landing and down the stairs, JJ slowly sat up, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed. Placing her feet firmly on the floor, she stood up.

Padding across the carpet, she pulled open her bedroom door, crossing the landing quickly and heading down the stairs.

She could see her mom in the kitchen ahead. She was glad that her mom had pulled herself up out of her depression after Rosaline's death. She was beginning to go stir crazy having to handle her dad _all_ the time.

Hearing footsteps, Sandy looked up from the glass of water in her hands. Seeing JJ walking into the room, she set it down on the counter.

"Hey honey. Can't sleep?" she asked softly.

JJ shook her head. "My head really hurts. It woke me up"

Sandy's expression showed the sympathy she felt for her baby girl. "Really bad tonight, huh?"

JJ nodded, watching as her mom crossed the kitchen and reached up for the painkillers.

"I know it's only Motrin, but it's better than nothing, right?" Sandy said. JJ nodded again, watching as her mother popped two pills out of the sheet. Handing them to JJ, she filled a clean glass with some water, and set it down in front of her daughter.

Watching as JJ downed the medication, she wondered what on earth was wrong with her baby girl's head. Why did she have to be in so much pain?

"Your dad made an appointment with a neurologist, did he tell you?" she asked softly.

JJ shook her head as she set the glass back down on the counter. "He said he was going to"

"Well he did. The ninth of September," Sandy replied, taking the glass away and quickly rinsing it in the sink.

"That's the day after the first soccer game of the season," JJ mumbled.

Sandy smiled. "Well, you can play like a champ and then get your head sorted, but first, you need to go to bed"

JJ giggled, turning and starting to leave the kitchen. Her mother followed behind her, putting her arm around her youngest child's shoulders as they headed back upstairs.

Before JJ went into her room, Sandy kissed her forehead, holding her close for a moment.

"We'll find out what's wrong...don't worry," she murmured gently. How she wished she could make up for the last six weeks of not being there for her kids as a mother should.

She would have to compensate wherever possible.

"I know," JJ replied. "I love you," she said softly. Ever since the day she and her mom had cried together over Rosaline, they had both been making sure that they said 'I love you' more often in their household.

"I love you too," Sandy told her youngest, kissing the top of her head and watching as she disappeared into her bedroom.

Quietly making her way back to her bed and slipping back in beside her husband, she only hoped that an answer would come soon.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Went to my university Welcome Day today and got given free condoms and lube. That's like saying "Hey, welcome to uni, go have sex!" **

**At least it's safe.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever~ - Lance Armstrong_

* * *

**September 4, 1989**

Taking a seat in her first class of the day, JJ felt awful.

The first thing she had done after waking up that morning was vomit. The pain had been so bad, she had stood up and almost passed out from how dizzy it made her.

She had begged her mom to keep her home, but deep down she knew she couldn't miss the first day of the new school year, which had been her mother's exact sentiment.

So instead, she sat at the back of the class, her head hung and her eyes closed as she willed her nausea to stay at bay.

She had been sitting like that for nearly half an hour when the sound of someone calling her name snapped her attention up to the front.

"Miss Jareau!" called her new teacher, Mr Hollister. JJ winced. The sharpness of his voice and tone did nothing to help her headache.

"Yes sir?" JJ said as easily as she could manage. Looking up to the front, where the fluorescent lights reflected off the many laminated posters, she fought not to squint or do anything that would indicate she was in pain.

"I asked if you could please pay attention. I haven't seen you look up once," Hollister said firmly.

"It hurts to look up for too long, Mr Hollister. I have a really bad headache," JJ replied weakly, hating how fragile her voice sounded from her perspective.

"It's obviously not that bad or you would be at home," Hollister replied coolly.

JJ fought back the urge to say 'You have no idea', instead slinking down in her seat as Hollister returned to addressing the class.

Ten minutes later, JJ felt a sense of dread wash over her as she felt that familiar tug in the pit of her stomach. Of all the times she was going to vomit, it had to be now.

Raising her hand, she silently begged Hollister to address her.

Sighing, the man looked down at the blonde girl sitting at the back of the room. "Yes, Miss Jareau?"

"May I please go to the bathroom?" JJ choked out, willing herself not to throw up as she spoke.

"No, Miss Jareau, you may not," Hollister replied. "You can wait until break"

"Please sir, I think I'm going to be sick," JJ blurted out, one hand clutching her stomach.

Hollister's eyes widened slightly, and he was quick to wave the girl out of the room. He watched as she took off down the hall, her friend from the back row right behind her to make sure she was ok.

JJ didn't even have time to close the stall door before the bile was rising up her throat. Falling to her knees, she grimaced as she vomited for the second time that day. Twice in three hours. That had to be a new record for her.

"Jayje, you ok?" came the soft voice of her best friend, Sophia.

Dry retching a few times, JJ fell to the floor, sitting against the wall of the stall as Sophia reached in and flushed the toilet.

"You not feeling well JJ?" Sophia asked gently, kneeling down in the doorway of the stall. She didn't care how filthy the floor was; she was more concerned about her friend.

"My head," JJ groaned, tipping her head forward and resting her head against her hands. "It's pounding like you wouldn't believe...oh my god"

Sophia frowned, reaching out and placing her hand between JJ's shoulders as she glanced back towards the door. Someone had to come in who could go and get the school nurse. They had to.

"How long have you had the headache?" she asked quietly, turning back to JJ.

"Since June," JJ said seriously, causing Sophia's jaw to drop.

"JJ, you need to see a doctor-"

"I have," JJ spat, her mood starting to turn on her closest friend. "Apparently nothing's wrong, I'm just hormonal or some crap"

Sophia stood up, holding out a hand to JJ and pulling her to her feet, catching her when she swayed slightly. "Well...in that case...we either go back to class, or I take you to the nurse"

"Just take me back to class...I'm sure Hollister gets easier to handle in higher doses"

* * *

Walking out onto the soccer pitch in her soccer uniform, with the cool afternoon air on her skin, JJ felt much more alive than she had in recent days. She had missed team training over the holidays. It was one of the only motivating factors that had made her come to school despite the pain she was in.

Practice was fairly easy as it was their first day back. After some warm ups, stretches, and drills, they played an easy game against each other to get a feel for a game setting once more.

Halfway into their game, JJ wasn't feeling so good again.

As she ran for the ball to get it away from the opposing team, she felt a wave of pain hit her, causing a rush of nausea so strong she had to stop in her tracks for fear of vomiting right there in the middle of the field.

"JJ! Come on! What on earth was that? You just gave away the ball!" Coach Adams yelled from the sidelines. "Pull yourself together and pick it up"

She managed to stick out the rest of the game without any major incidents. The smaller ones included losing her footing as she ran towards the goal defenders and slipping up right after she'd kicked the ball. The ball had still made it into the goals, so JJ had simply got up and brushed herself off.

"JJ, come over here," Adams called as they were packing up.

JJ obeyed, carrying her exhausted body over to her coach.

"What's the matter with you? You've been off since practice started. You were playing like a champ at the end of last season and now you're a mess, to be honest," Adams said as gently as he could put it. "I mean, I know it's been three months and we've all been on holidays, but you appear to have regressed a lot"

"I'm sorry Coach. I...I've had this head pain. It's been there for a while and it's throwing me off," JJ explained, fumbling for her words. She could barely manage anymore details.

"Have you had it checked?" Adams asked, tying up the string bag containing the soccer balls.

"Yeah. No-one knows what's wrong. My parents are taking me to a neurologist on Saturday," JJ replied.

"Ok, well, in the meantime, just to try to get through it as best as you can, ok? First game of the season is on Friday night and I don't want to bench you," Adams told her.

JJ nodded. Seeing her mom waiting in the parking lot, she grabbed her bag off of the bench and headed over to the car, waving at her coach as she did.

Collapsing into the front seat, she crumbled. Ignoring her mother's persistence in asking how bad the pain was, JJ cried all the way home, crying the tears of agonising pain she'd been holding in all day. Every time someone had asked her about her holidays, she couldn't help but think of Rosaline. And the rest of the day had just been agony, quite literally.

The worst part was, she didn't know if her tears were even slightly for Rosaline anymore.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I hope you're enjoying the story so far! It's got a LONG way to go, so don't worry about it ending any time soon!**

**This one's only a short one. But don't worry, Chapter 9 is coming VERY soon!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~One thing you can't hide...is when you're crippled inside~ - John Lennon_

* * *

**September 8, 1989**

It was 2am.

JJ was curled up beneath her comforter, her knees held against her chest as her head throbbed painfully. She had been sick just before going to bed, something that had become quite common as the pain had worsened. Then she'd woken up not long ago feeling nauseous.

"One more day," she muttered under her breath, turning over to her other side and trying to get more comfortable. In her mind, she was praying that the neurologist would be able to give her a diagnosis and a treatment option.

It had definitely been the most difficult three months of her life. She still missed Rosaline like crazy, and still got angry at her for leaving them. Their mother was still a little withdrawn after losing her first child, and JJ was doubtful that she would ever truly come back to them. Which made her sad; she wanted her mom's whole presence in her life, and especially right now, when she was grappling with the mystery headache.

One thing that JJ hated was her dad's way of coping. It was as though he was pretending nothing happened to Rosaline. She knew it was his way of coping, his way of staying sane when he still needed to help provide for two other children, but it made her so angry. She wanted him to accept his daughter's death, she wanted him to accept that it had happened. Although she did appreciate that she could count on him to always be there for her and James.

Dealing with the head pain had definitely not made life any easier. It made everything that was once simple a difficult task. Standing up in the morning, looking up in a light room, going outside, reading, writing...everything felt monumental.

And right in that very moment, it was not making it any easier to get back to sleep. She had a long day ahead of her, what with school and the first game of the season.

Closing her eyes, she took a few deep breaths to help quell the nausea.

She needed to sleep.

Maybe, just maybe...she could get some sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I have now figured out when the dead period online is for me – between lunchtime and 4pm. If I upload then, no-one sees it haha.**

**This one may be significantly longer than the rest, and hopefully all chapters from now on will be much longer. I'm putting more effort in to make them longer.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim~ - Nora Ephron_

* * *

**September 8, 1989**

Standing in the middle of the soccer field, the cool September breeze raising a slight chill on her skin as she waited for the whistle to blow, JJ was in agony.

Her head was pounding. It felt like it was worse than it had been during the day, and she just wished her painkillers would at least take the edge off.

The school day had been a drag. Aside from her head hurting like hell, which by now was nothing new, she had had all of her least favourite classes. It had been a relief to go to the pre game warm up session.

The opposing player nudged her threateningly, trying to intimidate her. The slight jostle made JJ's stomach roll. She knew then that if she took a tumble, she was going to vomit. God damn the stupid pain.

With the shrill cry of the whistle, the game began.

Sandy and Michael sat together at the top of the bleachers, James sitting beside his father, all three of them watching avidly as JJ took off down the field to accept a pass.

Easily getting behind the ball, JJ dodged a girl from the other team, ignoring the dizzy feeling the sudden change in direction gave her. Booting the ball down to the next player, she ran up the side of the field, trying to find an open gap for the ball to pass through to the goal.

The game carried on fairly easily, with the East Allegheny team scoring two goals in the first ten minutes; one from JJ, and one from another girl named Katelyn.

The crowd cheered wildly for their teams, supporting and encouraging the young players as they fought to get their team closer to that first win of the season.

Despite all that, Sandy and Michael could both see that JJ was struggling. The pain was etched into her expression, and her movements were getting sluggish. However, she was still playing reasonably well, which made her parents proud.

It was as the Allegheny team were bringing the ball away from their defence side that the game took a sudden turn.

Running up the field to open herself up to accept the pass, JJ was facing the goals they were heading for, trying to spot the best route to take the ball so that they could easily dodge the other players.

She heard her teammates yelling, and then the sudden outcry which let her know the ball had been intercepted by the opposition.

Before she could even turn to gauge what was going on, she felt the ball slam into the back of her head, right where she'd been feeling that awful pain. The impact caused the pain to seemingly explode within her skull.

She cried out in pain as she fell to the ground, the world spinning as her hands found their way to the back of her head. Tears fell as she squeezed her eyes shut and gritted her teeth.

"I didn't even kick it that hard, she's trying to get a free kick!" the opposing player protested as the whistle blew and the coach ran onto the field, followed by the medical staff.

Sandy was up from her seat as she watched the first aid staff following the coach out to where her daughter lay motionless on the ground. Michael kept a tight grip on her hand, trying to tug her back down; if it was overly serious, the coach would beckon them down to the side of the field.

"JJ, what's wrong?" Coach Adams asked, even though he already knew.

"My head," JJ gasped. "It hurts so bad"

"The ball like tapped the back of your head, come on!" groaned the girl who had kicked the ball.

"Hey, just go and stand with your teammates, ok?" Adams cut in firmly, giving the girl a look that said '_and I'm dead serious_'.

The girl huffed, turning and walking away to join her nearby teammates.

Turning back to JJ, Adams gently rolled her onto her back, noticing how the movement made her squeeze her eyes shut and swallow thickly.

"I'm going to carry you over to the sidelines and First Aid's going to take a look at you," he said gently. When she nodded slightly, still whimpering from the pain, he carefully scooped her up off the ground, turning around and carrying her back to the sidelines.

Pulling Michael to his feet, Sandy descended the bleachers as calmly as she could, her husband right behind her. Walking over to where Adams was setting JJ down on the towel someone had spread out, she knelt down beside her daughter.

"You ok?" she asked softly, brushing a few loose strands of hair out of JJ's eyes. JJ managed to crack open her eyes, looking up at her mom through her lashes.

"My head really hurts," she whimpered, tears slipping out and running down into her hair.

"Can someone check her over please-" Adams started to call towards the First Aid booth.

"No," Sandy said firmly, lifting her face to look at her daughter's coach. "I've had enough of her dealing with this. She's going to the hospital"

James, who had joined them and was now standing by his father's side, raised his eyebrows.

Looking surprised, Adams turned to look at Sandy. "Should we call an ambulance?"

Biting her lip, Sandy looked down at her baby girl, then up at her husband. She watched as he raked his daughter's frame, and then nodded slightly.

"Yeah," Michael said. "Call an ambulance. They can give her something for the pain, we can't, and the hospital's nearly half an hour away"

Adams nodded, beckoning for someone to give him a cell phone.

"I don't want to go to the hospital," JJ said in a small, scared voice as one of the first aid staff handed her mother an icepack.

"I don't know what else to do Jennifer, I really don't. This pain's getting out of hand," Sandy replied gently as she slipped the ice under JJ's neck to rest against the back of her head. "I promise I'll be with you the entire time"

* * *

The ambulance had arrived not long after play of the game resumed with a substitute player. Sandy had gone with JJ to the hospital, while Michael and James followed behind.

After two hours in the ER, JJ was dosed up on pain medications, which had allowed her to fall into a drug induced sleep. Michael had taken James to the cafeteria to get something to eat, and Sandy was sitting beside JJ's bed, keeping a watchful eye over her sleeping daughter.

"Jennifer Jareau?"

Sandy turned sharply at the sound of her child's name. Seeing a young doctor walking towards her, she smiled, rising up from her chair to shake his hand.

"You must be her mother. I'm Dr Robb," the doctor said warmly. "I'm from the paediatric department, specialising in neurology. Did Dr Kittridge tell you he wanted to admit Jennifer?"

"Yes he did," Sandy affirmed.

"Ok, we're going to take her up there now, and once she's awake, which...should be soon judging from the doses of these drugs, we want to get an MRI, see if we can't find out what's going on," Robb explained.

"Just do whatever you have to do. I hate seeing her in this much pain"

* * *

Laying completely motionless on her stomach with her head turned to the side, JJ closed her eyes as the MRI machine whirred around her.

"Just stay nice and still Jennifer, not much longer now," the MRI technician said through the microphone.

Watching from the other side of the protective glass, Sandy had her arms folded across her chest as she thought about how that night could be the night JJ's pain was finally eased. James

If only it hadn't taken a ball to her daughter's head to make her take JJ to the hospital.

"What are you thinking about?" Michael's soft voice asked as his arms slowly wrapped around her from behind, pulling her back against him in a comforting hold.

"How I should have done this earlier. How I should've noticed ages ago that she wasn't well, but I was too detached to care about my other children," Sandy murmured.

Michael kissed her temple, squeezing her gently. "Do not blame yourself for this. We didn't realise just how bad it was until tonight. You did everything you could given the situation this family has been in"

"Hopefully this is all over in a few days," Sandy said softly, closing her eyes and leaning back against her husband.

Michael smiled, rocking Sandy from side to side ever so slightly. "It will be. It's all going to work out"

* * *

It was nearly 11pm when Dr Robb came back to find Sandy and Michael. However, he only found Sandy; Michael had taken James home.

Approaching the bed in which his patient was sleeping, he looked down at the file in his hands. Her mother was beside the bed in the recliner, looking to be starting to fall asleep.

"Mrs Jareau?" he asked softly as he reached them.

Sandy sat up a little straighter. She'd just been starting to doze off, but now she was wide awake.

"Doctor Robb," she said simply, standing up from the chair.

"I have Jennifer's test results. Normally we would wait until morning...but I felt it was important you know right away"

Sandy's stomach dropped as she realised that maybe the headaches were the calling card for something more serious.

"How about we go out to the family room down the hallway so we don't disturb Jennifer's rest?" Dr Robb suggested gently.

Sandy swallowed thickly, nodding before turning around to grab her jacket. Pulling it on as she followed Dr Robb out of the ward and into the hallway, she started mentally preparing herself for what she was about to hear.

By the time they reached the family room and had each taken a seat, Sandy was having a hard time stopping her hands from shaking.

"Mrs Jareau...as you know, we did multiple tests to try and find out what was going on in Jennifer's head. We did the blood test to test for meningitis, as well as a urine sample. We haven't got those results back yet, but we no longer need them because we have the results of the MRI-"

Reaching out, Sandy closed her hand around the doctor's wrist, cutting him off. "Please...just tell me what it is"

Looking into the desperate eyes of a mother who feared for her child, Dr Robb took a deep breath and swallowed thickly to try and clear his throat so he could speak.

Taking one last breath, he glanced down at his lap, before looking back up into Sandy's eyes.

"Mrs Jareau...your daughter has a six centimetre brain tumor at the base of her skull"


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: So...how are you all feeling after that little BIG revelation in the last chapter? Relieved that they know what's wrong? Or worried?**

**Just trust me.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~Having a brain tumor...it grants the truth and crystallizes the knowledge of what is truly important in life~ - Rachel Grady_

* * *

**September 9, 1989**

Sandy had spent most of the night in a numb state of shock, unable to move, speak, or acknowledge anyone who walked past JJ's bed. She had cried at first, unable to believe that only three months after losing their oldest child, she and Michael now had to face the reality of the precarious situation JJ was in.

JJ had slept the entire night, blissfully unaware of the evil monstrosity that was growing inside her head. Sandy wished she could keep it that way.

JJ had woken up to find her mother sitting beside her bed with red rimmed eyes and had immediately asked what was wrong as she sat up, her hair falling in messy waves around her face from being slept on.

Sandy had climbed up on the bed, sitting in front of her daughter and holding her hands. It took three attempts to say it, but when she had finally told JJ the diagnosis she'd received, JJ had sat on the bed as her mother broke down before her, unable to comprehend what she'd just been told.

Merely a minute later, she had climbed into her mom's lap and wrapped her arms around her, burying her face in her shoulder as she whispered that it would all be ok.

* * *

"Hi Jennifer, how are you feeling?" Dr Robb asked warmly as he approached JJ's partition.

"Pretty good. My head hurts a lot though," JJ replied. Her chirpy nature despite being told she had a brain tumor was uplifting to Robb; kids could get through anything with a smile on their face.

"We're going to do a procedure this afternoon to help alleviate your pain, but before I talk about that, we need to talk what happens next in regards to the tumor, ok?"

JJ nodded. Because her mom was seated beside her on the bed, she cuddled into her side.

Robb smiled at the sight of the mother and daughter before him, before setting his file down on the table and sitting on the end of JJ's bed.

"So, Jennifer, you're obviously aware that you _have_ a tumor. It's exactly where you told the ER doctors yesterday that your head was hurting, just above your hairline at the back of your head. It showed up immediately on the MRI, and it doesn't look like it's spread, which is really good. However, it is quite a large tumor for someone your age, which isn't uncommon, but it just means it's been there for a while"

JJ nodded as she listened intently. She may have only been eleven years of age, but she understood enough about tumors to know what was going on.

"Clearly, the next step is to biopsy the tumor. You know what that means?"

"You take a bit of it to test it," JJ replied.

Robb nodded. "Sometimes we take the whole tumor. Now, last night, the other doctors who are handling your treatment and myself discussed exactly what we were going to do in terms of testing your tumor and removing it. We've decided that because it's in a fairly easy to access place, it hasn't spread, and it's causing you a lot of pain, it would be best to remove it as soon as possible. So we have you scheduled for surgery tomorrow afternoon. I know it's very soon, but once we know about a tumor's presence, we like to get a handle on them as soon as we possibly can"

Opening the file, he lifted out a diagram of the brain, placing it in front of JJ. "Your tumor is here, in the cerebellum," he said gently, pointing to the part of the brain he was talking about. "So when you have the surgery, they'll put you to sleep on your back, and then flip you over onto your stomach. Then they'll make an incision up the back of your neck and halfway up the back of your head, which does mean they'll have to shave away a strip of your hair"

JJ swallowed thickly. She wasn't vain in any respect, but she did so love her blonde hair. She hated getting a trim, let alone shaving a chunk of it off.

"The tumor removal only takes a few hours. When you wake up, you'll likely feel quite unwell and have a headache, but the neurosurgeon will discuss that more with you, as he knows exactly what goes on in the surgery and what the effects may be"

"How long will she be in hospital?" Sandy asked quietly.

Robb inhaled deeply, thinking for a moment.

"It all depends on how Jennifer bounces back from the surgery. It may be a week, it might be three. It's really a matter of waiting to see how she is after surgery"

JJ and Sandy nodded, JJ cuddling in closer to her mom as Robb picked up the diagram once more.

"Today, we're going to perform a small surgery on you to prepare you for tomorrow. We're going to insert a drain into your skull, in the area surrounding your brain. This will drain away excess spinal fluid, which will relieve your head pain and help to relax your brain for the surgery tomorrow"

JJ's eyes widened at the thought of having something inserted into her skull. She instinctively tightened her grip on her mother's hand.

Seeing JJ's expression, Robb held up the diagram. "We'll insert it around here, just near your hairline. You'll be asleep while we do it, and it shouldn't hurt too much when you wake up"

Setting the diagram down, Robb looked up at the duo before him once more. "I think that covers everything I can explain. Is there anything you're unsure about, or any questions you'd like to ask?"

JJ shook her head.

Sandy, however, swallowed thickly before opening her mouth to speak. "This tumor...is it cancerous?"

Robb took a deep breath; he'd known that question was coming. "We have no way of knowing until it's removed and biopsied. What I can say is that Jennifer is extremely fit and healthy, and regardless of the outcome of the biopsy, that level of fitness is going to be a great aid in getting her back on her feet"

Sandy nodded, wrapping an arm around JJ and holding her close. Looking up at Dr Robb, she managed a small smile.

"Thank you"

Robb smiled back. Getting to his feet, he took his file in his hands. "Doctor Valastro is the neurosurgeon who will be operating on you tomorrow, Jennifer. He'll be in later today to speak with you"

Sandy and JJ nodded, giving the doctor a small wave as he turned and left the room.

Kissing her daughter's head, Sandy held her close for a moment, taking deep breaths as she tried to let everything they had just been told sink in.

"I need to go call your dad, ok? He has no idea what's going on," she murmured. Feeling JJ nod beneath her chin, she kissed her head once more and pulled away.

Time to call home.

* * *

"_Jareau residence, Michael speaking"_

"Mike, it's me," Sandy said quickly, leaning against the wall of the phone alcove.

"_Hey. I was going to come up this morning and see you guys after I took James to training, but I got caught up on some paperwork. Do they know what's wrong yet or are we still waiting for test results?"_

Sandy let out a choked sob, her hand coming up over her mouth as she tried to find the courage to say it. And she didn't want to say it. Because saying it meant it was real.

"_Sandy?"_

"She has a brain tumor Mike"

Michael's sharp intake of breath could be heard on Sandy's end of the line. _"She what? No. That has to be a mistake"_

"I assure you, it's not a mistake. Doctor Robb showed me the scans. It's exactly where she's been complaining of pain"

"_Oh my god"_

Sandy took a deep breath, trying to quell her tears. "She's having an operation this afternoon to put a drain in her head. It'll ease her pain and make the operation tomorrow easier"

"_I'm coming up as soon as I can, ok? Then you can try and explain it all to me then"_

Swallowing thickly, Sandy clutched the phone. "Ok," she whispered. "I'll see you then"

"_Tell her I love her. See you soon"_

"I will," Sandy choked out. "Bye"

When the line went dead, she prayed that he would be there sooner rather than later. She needed someone to lean on so that she could be there for their beautiful eleven year old girl.

* * *

Sitting in the waiting room outside the operating theatre, Sandy felt like the walls were closing in. Such a simple procedure...yet it would very possibly be the first of many. And she knew she was going to find herself in the exact same position the following day, when JJ went in to have the tumor taken out.

Michael holding tightly onto her hand was the only thing that kept her from completely losing it. She just wanted her baby girl back in her arms, no matter how minor any procedure was. She wanted this tumor nightmare to be over.

"Jennifer Jareau?" came the kind voice of a nurse. Sandy and Michael both turned simultaneously, rising from their seats as the nurse approached them with a smile.

"She's doing fine. The pressure inside her head is dropping dramatically, which is really good. There isn't much else to tell, so I'll take you to see her. We're going to keep her in Recovery until she starts to come out from under the anaesthesia"

Nodding, they followed the nurse from the waiting room, down a couple of hallways, and into a ward. JJ was in the bed farthest from the door on the left hand side.

Quickly approaching their daughter's bed, both Sandy and Michael immediately noticed the drain protruding from beneath the gauze on JJ's forehead.

If it was alleviating her pain, they could deal with it.

* * *

It took nearly two hours for JJ to even start to stir.

When she did, she was moved back to her original room on the paediatric floor.

The time eventually came when someone had to leave to get James from his friend's house. Michael convinced Sandy to go, reasoning that he wanted to spend some time with their youngest, and she needed to spend time with their son.

After what felt like days had passed, JJ finally spoke.

"Mom?" came her groggy murmur from the bed.

"Mom's not here, peanut, she's gone to get James. I'm staying with you until she comes back," Michael said softly, carefully brushing JJ's hair out of her eyes.

"Ok," JJ mumbled, her eyes half closed as she tried to get a grip on reality.

"You wanna know something peanut?" Michael whispered, taking his daughter's small hand in his.

"Yeah?" JJ replied, turning her head to look at her dad with foggy eyes.

"I love you very much. And I will do whatever it takes to get you through whatever journey you have to go on from this point onwards," Michael whispered. JJ broke into a cute smile, placing her other hand over her dad's.

"I love you too Dad," she replied with a raspy voice. "Very much"

Michael couldn't help the smile crossing his face as he leaned on the edge of JJ's bed.

Some more time passed, with JJ becoming more focused with each passing minute. They quietly watched some TV to pass the time. It was in the ad break for a soap opera that JJ spoke again.

"Dad?"

"Yeah peanut?"

"Who won the game?"

Michael chuckled. Of course JJ would want to know who won the soccer game despite having been told that very morning she had a brain tumor.

"Who do you think won?"

JJ grinned. "East Allegheny"

Michael laughed, nodding. "They won"

JJ sat back happily, her smile infectious as her attention went back to the TV.

Despite the hardships she was bound to face, she was still an innocent, happy little girl.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: More uni orientations, yay! Not really.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom~ - Soren Kierkegaard_

* * *

**September 10, 1989**

Strolling down the hall towards JJ's room, Michael spotted Sandy just finishing up talking to a doctor.

He figured James was with his little sister. Michael had brought him to the hospital that morning so he could see JJ before surgery, and had gone home to take care of some errands and odd jobs that desperately needed doing.

Approaching Sandy as the doctor shook her hand and walked away, he gave his wife a warm smile.

"Hey," he said warmly, giving her a quick kiss before wrapping her in his arms. "What was that about?"

"Just asking me how Jen was doing. Said Doctor Valastro should be coming to see us around lunchtime to fill out the forms for the surgery and talk Jen through the procedure," Sandy replied, leaning on her husband and resting her head against his chest.

"Sounds like a plan. Where are the kids?" Michael asked, leaning back so he could see her face.

"Jen's bed," Sandy replied. "I'm wondering if I heard correctly, but as I left the room to talk to the doctor, I'm sure I heard Jen ask James if he wanted to help her name her tumor"

Michael burst out laughing, pulling away from his wife and taking her hand as they started walking back to JJ's room.

Going in through the door, they spotted their two children sitting on their daughter's bed, both scribbling in a notepad as they laughed with each other.

As they approached the bed, James said something to JJ, causing their little girl to dissolve in giggles and collapse back against her pillows as her brother started to laugh as well.

"What are you two mischief makers up to?" Michael asked, sitting on the end of his daughter's bed as Sandy took up her spot in the recliner.

"Thinking up names for my tumor," JJ responded proudly. "James says we should call it Larry"

Michael laughed as Sandy shook her head at their kids.

"Larry, hey? Larry the brain tumor," Michael chuckled. James nodded as JJ started giggling uncontrollably again.

"Larry doesn't pay rent, so he's gotta go," James joked. It only made JJ laugh harder, which also made their dad laugh. Sandy couldn't help but grin at their little family. It had been a long time since they had laughed like this.

It felt good.

* * *

Michael left with James shortly before JJ was due to be taken to surgery, as James had some homework he needed to finish for Monday's classes.

Sitting with her mom as she waited for the doctors to come and take up her up to the operating theatre, JJ was on the verge of tears. An anxious feeling had been growing in the pit of her stomach since her mom and dad had signed all the forms and the doctor had gone through the procedure with her.

"Mom?" JJ said, her voice shaking as she spoke.

"Yeah honey?" Sandy replied, turning to look at her daughter.

JJ's lower lip quivered. "I'm really scared," she whispered, the fear in her voice unmistakeable.

Seeing the tears welling up in her daughter's eyes, Sandy got out of the recliner, climbing onto the bed to sit beside JJ and hold her in her arms.

JJ immediately cuddled up to her mom, resting her head against the crook of Sandy's neck. Sandy pressed a comforting kiss to the top of JJ's head, rubbing her back gently as she held her as close as possible.

"I won't tell you not to be afraid. It's ok to be scared. It's a big operation you're about to have, it's perfectly ok to be afraid," she said softly. "I think I would be a little worried if you weren't the least bit anxious"

JJ nodded, sniffling as tears began to fall from her bright blue eyes.

"You're going to be just fine, my beautiful girl. I will be right outside in the waiting room the whole time, and I will be by your side again as soon as I possibly can"

"Promise?" JJ asked tearfully, holding out her pinky finger as she lifted her face to look at her mom.

Sandy smiled, hooking her pinky around JJ's. "Promise"

* * *

As the doctors wheeled JJ's bed down the hall to the operating room, JJ was in tears. It broke Sandy's heart to see her baby girl so scared, and she held tightly to JJ's hand until they reached the point where Sandy would have to let go.

"Ok, Jennifer, your mom can't come past here," Dr Valastro said gently.

JJ looked up at her mom, swallowing thickly and pressing her lips together as she tried to stem her tears. She had wanted to be brave, show her mom that she would be ok; but she was scared as hell and there was no hiding that.

Sandy smiled down at her, tears in her eyes as she cupped JJ's cheek in her hand before leaning down and pressing a kiss to JJ's forehead.

"I love you," she whispered, her face just millimetres above JJ's. "You're going to be just fine...Roz will be in there with you, I know it. She'll make sure you're ok"

At the mention of her sister, more tears fell from JJ's eyes, but after taking a deep breath, she nodded and bravely let go of her mom's hand.

"I love you," she called back tearfully as the doctors started to move her through the double swinging doors. Her mom blew her a kiss as she passed through them, and then once the doors swung shut again, JJ couldn't see her anymore.

JJ remained reasonably calm, her eyes still wet with tears, as the doctors and nurses prepped her for surgery.

The first part of the anaesthetic was administered to JJ's hands through injections. JJ was too anxious to pay attention to the nurse who sat and massaged her hands to get the drugs moving through her system. The nurse was talking softly, her calm voice somewhat soothing to JJ, but JJ was too wound up to reply.

As her vision started to blur and it become hard to focus, she was vaguely aware of Dr Valastro leaning over her.

"We'll see you soon Jennifer," he said with a comforting smile.

The last thing JJ saw before she blacked out was the oxygen mask going over her face.

* * *

Sitting in the waiting room for five hours felt like absolute agony for Sandy.

She was aware of every minute, every second that passed. Her chest felt tight and she couldn't focus on anything. She wanted to cry, if only to help relieve the immense feeling of anxiety that was sitting in the pit of her stomach.

What she wanted more than anything was to just hold her daughter, to see her, hear her heartbeat and feel her warm breath against her skin. Because with every minute that passed, she was getting more and more terrified of losing that.

"Jennifer Jareau?"

Sandy nearly jumped out of her skin at the sound of the nurse's voice calling her baby girl's name, which only made her realise just how tightly wound she had been the whole time.

Getting to her feet, she looked straight at the nurse, the anxiety clear on her face.

"How is she?"

The nurse smiled. "Sailed through it like a champ. She's in the ICU, she's stable, breathing on her own...she's doing brilliantly. I can take you to her?"

Sandy nodded, grabbing her jacket and purse. "Please"

She could feel the relief slowly flooding her body as she followed the young nurse from the waiting room to the paediatric ICU.

When they finally reached the swinging doors that gated the ward, Sandy was extremely anxious to see her little girl again.

"This way. She's the first bed on the right," the nurse said warmly, pushing against the door and leading Sandy into the room.

Sandy's breath caught in her throat when she saw how tiny JJ looked in her hospital bed. She was surrounded by machines monitoring her heart beat, her brain activity, and her oxygenation. The drain was still in to prevent a fluid build up, and there was an IV adorning her left hand.

"It's going to take her a few days to become fully coherent. The doctors have to use a higher dose of anaesthetic for these types of surgeries, so while she will start to stir in a few hours, she probably won't remember the next couple of days very well at all," the nurse explained as she checked JJ's chart and monitors.

"How long will she be in the ICU for?" Sandy asked, taking the seat beside JJ's bed.

"Only a few days, but it depends on how she's recovering. Doctor Valastro will be able to give you a more definite idea when he comes to see you after she starts to wake up," the nurse replied warmly.

"Thank you," Sandy said, turning to look at her daughter as she took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. Now all she had to do was wait.

* * *

JJ had started to stir almost an hour after being brought out of surgery. As the nurse had said, she wasn't exactly coherent and had continuously mumbled about things that Sandy couldn't make heads or tails of whatsoever.

About two hours later, she had started vomiting as a result of the nervous system painkillers she was receiving through an IV drip to reduce her head pain. She was conscious enough to realise when she was going to be sick, but was still a little too loopy to actually pull herself up. The nurse from earlier, who's name turned out to be Jennifer as well, had helped JJ sit up while Sandy held the basin beneath JJ's chin.

Late into the evening, when JJ was feeling less nauseous, Sandy climbed up beside her and held her in her arms, careful not to jostle her too much so that she wouldn't hurt her head.

"Is that you Mom?" JJ said absently, turning her head and tucking it into the crook of Sandy's neck.

"No, it's the Queen of England," Sandy teased.

"Really?" JJ replied, her surprise making Sandy laugh.

"No, of course it's your mom you silly duffer," she chuckled. JJ giggled, closing her eyes as she cuddled up to her mom.

"Love you Mom," she mumbled as the drugs began to pull her back into a deep sleep.

"Love you too my precious little monkey," Sandy whispered, gently kissing the top of JJ's head, holding her safe in her arms as she drifted off to sleep.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: I thought the end of the last chapter was pretty cute.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own CM.**

* * *

_~A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you~ - Elbert Hubbard_

* * *

**September 12, 1989**

JJ had fully recovered from being under the anaesthetic by the time two days had passed, but as she became fully coherent, it became apparent that the operation was having lasting effects.

She was struggling to use her hands normally, and her left foot was quite stiff, something which Dr Valastro had assured them could be corrected with intense physiotherapy. Her vision was a little blurry, but Valastro had again assured them that it was only due to the post operation swelling, and that it would fade given a little time.

Some of the medications still made her vomit, but all in all, the doctors were pleased with how she was recovering.

They had managed to get all but a miniscule amount of the tumor out in the surgery, which Valastro had explained to her parents the morning after the operation. Now they just had to wait for the results.

"How's the vision today?" Valastro asked as he came into JJ's room. She had been moved out of the ICU the day before once he was confident she was recovering well.

"It's ok," JJ said softly, leaning against her dad as she pulled at the beanie which was perched on the back of her head. She had been wearing it since she'd actually become oriented, to conceal the chunk of hair missing from the back of her head.

"And the vomiting?" he asked, taking a seat on the end of JJ's bed.

"Well...I threw up my breakfast," JJ replied with a smirk. Michael laughed, shaking his head at the tone of her voice.

Valastro shook his head, trying hard to fight back a smile. "We'll review your medications and your progress this afternoon, see if we can take away the one that's making you ill"

"Ok," JJ replied, happy that she might not have to be so drugged.

"Your head still hurting?"

JJ nodded. "It's not as bad as yesterday though"

"Good. Sounds like you are well and truly on the mend. I'll check in with you this afternoon when we check your medications, and in the meantime, if you need anything, just give one of the nurses a buzz, ok?"

JJ nodded, resting back against her dad as Valastro got up, gave the little family one last smile, and left the room.

A silence fell over them as Sandy cycled through the TV channels, trying to find something that could possibly interest JJ a little.

"I miss Roz," JJ murmured, resting her head against the crook of her dad's neck.

A lump formed in Michael's throat at the mention of his deceased daughter, but he was quick to swallow it away. Sandy's eyes filled with tears as she thought of her oldest baby, and she had to turn away.

"Yeah? I miss her too peanut," he replied, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of JJ's head.

JJ sighed heavily. "It's just...it's so boring in here, and she would normally be trying to make me laugh...I really miss her"

Tightening his embrace around her, Michael gently rocked JJ back and forth.

"She's always with you peanut. Always"

* * *

Sitting on her own while her mom went down to the street level to grab a half decent coffee from the nearby shop, JJ was bored out of her mind.

She had cycled through the hospital TV stations about six times, praying for something remotely entertaining to watch, when she heard a knock at the door.

Looking over to the door, she broke into a huge smile to see Sophia coming into the room carrying a large cardboard box, her mother just behind her.

"Oh my god, Soph!" she said excitedly, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed as her friend reached her.

Sophia placed the cardboard box down on JJ's bed before wrapping her friend in a gentle hug. It was prolonged and warm; they had seen each other on Friday, but missed each other terribly.

"I have missed you these past two days so much. Mr Hollister is so mean to us, but he did tell the class where you were. Everyone who is in your classes signed a card for you," Sophia said with a smile, reaching into her backpack and handing JJ a large envelope.

"How are you JJ?" asked Nicole, Sophia's mom.

"Pretty good. I mean, my head hurts and I can't really stand, but I'm getting better," JJ replied, smiling at her best friend's mom.

"Good to hear," Nicole said, watching as JJ took the card from Sophia's hands.

Carefully opening the envelope, JJ slid out a large glossy card with an illustration of a monkey holding a 'Get Well Soon' balloon.

Sophia giggled. "We knew your mom calls you monkey, so when I saw it we just had to buy it"

JJ giggled with her friend, settling back against her pillows as she flipped open the card. As she began to read the sweet little messages left for her by her peers and some of her teachers, the smile on her face grew bigger.

_Get well soon JJ! – Rhiannon_

_Typical JJ, only shows up for the first week and then skips class. I'm kidding, hope you get better soon! – Corey_

_Missing you heaps because you're my best friend and I can't survive without you. Please get better soon! – Sophia_

_You better heal up fast Jareau, we need you out there kicking butt on the soccer field! Wishing you all the best for a speedy recovery! – Coach Adams_

JJ laughed at the message her coach had written, turning her attention to the other side of the card. In amongst all the other messages, she was surprised to find one from Mr Hollister; she barely knew the guy.

_I may be a hard teacher, but I'm not as awful as I seem. Wishing you all the best for a fast, easy recovery and I hope to see you back in class sometime soon – Mr Hollister_

"He seems alright," JJ mused.

"Who, Hollister?" Sophia scoffed. "He's so hard on us. But yeah, he was genuinely worried about you so I guess he gets brownie points for that"

JJ laughed, setting the card down on the nightstand as her mom came back into the room.

While Nicole and Sandy greeted each other and made small talk, Sophia reached into the box.

"So, some people sent some little gifts, but you have to open this first," she said, handing JJ a smaller carton. JJ frowned.

"Why?"

Sophia grinned. "Because if you don't, it'll go bad"

JJ's eyes widened as she realised it was probably food. Opening the box, she peeked inside, her face lighting up as she realised what was inside.

"Chocolate covered strawberries! Awesome!" she exclaimed, making their parents laugh.

And so the rest of the afternoon was wasted away squished up with her best friend on the bed as they watched terrible TV programs, giggled constantly, and enjoyed chocolate coated strawberries.

For JJ, that was a pretty good afternoon.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: I noticed I didn't mention James last chapter. Chapter 12 took place during the school day, so that is why James was absent.**

**For those of you who like her lovely big brother, he will be becoming a more frequent fixture.**

**Oh, and...hold on. This chapter is intense.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~Where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved~ - Martin Luther_

* * *

**September 13, 1989**

Running a gentle hand through JJ's long blonde tresses, Sandy was enjoying that she and JJ had been able to spend a lot of time together in the past few days, even if it was in the hospital. It had definitely brought them closer. She only wished it hadn't taken a brain tumor to get them there.

JJ was still groggy, having only woken up twenty minutes earlier. However, she had immediately wanted to cuddle with her mom while watching crappy daytime TV, something which warmed Sandy's heart. JJ was usually such a tough little kid who always liked to prove she could hang with the boys. Anytime she wanted to chill out and be cuddly was fine by Sandy.

"Hopefully we're out of here sooner rather than later and you can watch good TV programs from the comfort of the couch," Sandy said softly.

"Mm, keep dreaming. I'm guessing a week," JJ mumbled, her words not really finding their way out of her mouth as she was still sleepy.

Sandy laughed, kissing the top of JJ's head. "Probably, monkey, probably"

They sat in silence for a few more minutes, watching as a stuck up cheating millionaire tried to convince his wife he wasn't cheating on her with the maid.

As JJ shifted and opened her mouth to speak, the door to the room opened and in came a doctor neither JJ nor Sandy had ever seen before.

"Jennifer Jareau?" he asked, looking pointedly at the two cuddled up on the bed.

Sandy nodded, sitting up and sliding to sit on the edge of JJ's bed. "She just woke up, she's a little groggy"

"Ok, that's fine. I just wanted to talk to you about something, Jennifer, think you can take it in?"

JJ nodded, rubbing her eyes and sitting up a little. "I'm good"

The doctor set his chart down on the table at the end of JJ's bed, extending a hand to Sandy and then to JJ. Taking a seat on the edge of JJ's bed, he took a deep breath to relax himself.

"I don't have a lot of time at this very moment, but I felt it was very important that I spoke with you as soon as possible," he said to both JJ and her mother, looking both of them directly in the eye to gain their trust and raport.

"I'm Doctor Edmonds, and I'll be handling all of Jennifer's care from now on. I specialise mainly in paediatric oncology-"

The word was barely out of his mouth before Sandy turned sharply to look at JJ, her wide eyes filling with tears. Looking back at the doctor, her hand was slowly going up over her mouth.

"No," she said in a horrified whisper. "No, no"

Dr Edmonds looked at the little girl who was watching him curiously and anxiously at the same time, a heartbreaking expression on his face. He _hated_ delivering this news. Despised it.

"Jennifer, what do you know about your medical condition so far?" he asked softly.

"I had a brain tumor...and they took it out and they got almost all of it," JJ replied, her hand subconsciously reaching up to tug at her beanie. "They said the tumor had to be tested"

Edmonds nodded. "Right, they did test it. Do you know what they were testing for?"

JJ nodded. "They test it for cancer, right?"

Seeing the doctor in front of her nod, it took a moment for things to click in JJ's mind. Her expression fell with the pit of her stomach.

"Do I have cancer?" she asked in a whisper that sounded something like disbelief and horror.

Exhaling heavily, Edmonds nodded slowly, noting when her mother began to cry. Reaching over to his charts, he grabbed a tissue from the box he'd brought with him and handed it to Sandy.

"Jennifer has a disease called medulloblastoma. It's a brain cancer that is unfortunately quite common in children her age," he said gently, placing his hand over the young girl's.

"It is highly malignant, meaning it spreads easily, and it can be quite aggressive. We do need to do a few more tests to ascertain exactly what stage yours is at, but we can accurately say that you have that particular cancer"

JJ nodded, reaching over and slipping her hand into her mom's.

"Would you like to talk about your treatment now, or would you prefer it if I came back later?" Edmonds asked softly, knowing that some patients preferred some time to let the news sink in.

JJ glanced over to her mom and then back at the doctor. "Could you come back?" she asked timidly.

Edmonds nodded, slowly rising from the bed and gathering his things. As he made his way to the door, his heart broke to hear the devastated cries of her mother. That was why he hated delivering bad news so much.

Waiting until the daughter left the room, JJ turned, kneeling in front of her mom. She wrapped her arms around her, burying her face in her mom's shoulder.

"It's gonna be ok, Mom...it's gonna be ok," she said repeatedly, hoping to somewhat soothe her mother a little.

Sandy wrapped her arms around JJ's tiny midsection, hugging her close and letting her tears fall. She'd already lost a child this year. Was that not enough to go through?

"I love you. I love you," she sobbed in a heartbroken whisper.

JJ tightened her grip on her mom, clutching at her like a lifeline.

"I love you too"

* * *

The remainder of the day had been awful.

Sandy had stopped crying long enough to call Michael, who had dropped everything and raced to the hospital after picking up James from school; they needed to be together as a family during a time like this.

JJ had sat on her bed, seemingly in a numb state of shock. She seemed to be handling the news like a champion, but Michael could see the resolve crumbling behind his baby girl's Cerulean blue eyes.

Dr Edmonds had returned to discuss JJ's treatment. On October 2, she would have the first of 45 rounds of radiation, which would take them into early December. After that, she would have an eight week break to let her body recover from the damage done by radiation. After her eight weeks were up, she would start her six rounds of chemotherapy, having one round a month for six successive months.

It was a lot for them to take in.

Having sensed that Sandy needed some time to process everything, and also needed to spend time with James, Michael had convinced her to go home with their son while he spent the night with JJ. It had taken a lot of reasoning, but eventually she and James had left and headed for home.

Sitting in the recliner beside JJ's bed, Michael remained fixed in one position as a thousand thoughts ran through his head.

He had just lost one daughter. Was he about to lose another as well?

No. No. JJ would beat this. He was sure of it.

When he thought JJ had fallen asleep, he quietly got up and went out into the hallway, needing to walk around for a bit to help clear his head.

He had promised JJ the day after she was told she had a tumor that he would do whatever he could do to help her get through whatever journey she ended up taking. And he was still going to make good on that promise.

"Mr Jareau?" came the familiar voice of JJ's oncologist. Michael hated that it was already familiar. JJ had only been diagnosed just over 12 hours earlier for God's sake.

"Dr Edmonds," he choked out, turning to greet the young doctor.

"How are you handling everything?" Edmonds asked softly.

"It's hard...it's a lot to take in...it's overwhelming. But I'm going to be there for my daughter, that's the only thing I'm certain about," Michael replied, a confidence to his voice that he hadn't felt all day.

"She's going to need a lot of support. It's a long tough rough. But she seems like a very resilient little girl," Edmonds said warmly.

"You have no idea," Michael replied with a light chuckle. "Tougher than nails some days"

Edmonds nodded confidently. "Good"

Michael spoke with the doctor for a little while longer, before the doctor excused himself to check on one of his other patients, with the promise that he would come around the next morning to speak a little more with the family.

Michael stood at the nearby window, looking out over the city of Pittsburgh from the one of the highest floors at the Allegheny General Hospital. A few tears fell for the situation his family was in.

The hospital was about to become their unwanted second home.

* * *

When he slipped back into JJ's room, Michael felt a lot less wound up and was sure most of his thoughts were at least somewhat straightened out.

As he sat back down in the recliner, he heard a soft sob come from the bed.

His heart broke, even though he had been waiting all day for JJ to crumble. It literally pained him to see his kids upset.

Quietly getting up and moving around to the other side of the bed, he leant down to see JJ's face. He almost burst into tears himself when he saw that her eyes were red and swollen and she was trying desperately to muffle her sobs.

"Oh peanut...," he said softly, hearing his voice crack as he brushed her hair out of her eyes. But he was at a loss for words. He didn't know what to say.

"I have cancer," JJ said in a heartbreakingly tearful whisper, her voice barely coming out because she was sobbing so much. "Cancer"

Closing his eyes for a moment, Michael felt the tears falling from beneath his lashes. Quickly slipping out of his shoes, he climbed into the bed with JJ, pulling his baby girl into his arms and letting her cry into his chest.

"I can't say that it's all going to be ok, because I don't know that," he started to whisper, his voice wavering with every word. "I can't say don't be scared because cancer is an awful disease and you have every right to be scared. I won't say don't cry because I want you to cry as much as you need to"

"I'm really scared Daddy," JJ whispered, clutching at her father's shirt as he brought the blankets up around her and tucked them around her to keep her warm.

"That's ok," Michael said tearfully, kissing the top of JJ's head. "That's perfectly ok"

As JJ cried, Michael rubbed her back in comforting circles, crying silent tears of his own as he held and protected his little girl.

"I love you peanut. We love you. And we will do whatever we can do to help you through this," he said soothingly.

JJ buried her face in her dad's shirt, her tears creating a rapidly growing wet patch on the front of his shirt.

Her whispered words were repeated, but that didn't stop them from breaking her father's heart.

"I'm so scared..."


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: How many people were not expecting that diagnosis?**

**I promised I would explain why this story is close to my heart as soon as the main plot was revealed and now I'm going to do exactly that. Bear with me, this AN is going to be quite long.**

**In June last year, my friend Chloe, who is 14, started experiencing headaches much like JJ was earlier on, and they eventually turned chronic. Every doctor she went to was absolutely baffled by her pain. Her mum had enough and took her to the children's hospital to get an MRI. The MRI immediately showed a five centimetre brain tumor at the base of Chloe's skull.**

**After having it removed, Chloe was told five days after being diagnosed with the tumor, that it was a medulloblastoma tumor.**

**She has finished her 31 rounds of radiation and is halfway through her chemo. She is in remission and fighting hard. Chloe should receive her all clear in May of this year.**

**This is a **_**believeforchloe **_**story. To not only share what my friend is going through and give those of you who don't know what it's like to live with or around cancer an insight, but to raise awareness about medulloblastoma. Because medulloblastoma is the most common malignant brain tumor in kids, yet I didn't even know it existed until Chloe was diagnosed, which is the same for many other people she knows as well.**

**Hopefully I can successfully do that. If you ever have any questions about Chloe, or medulloblastoma, or want me to explain something that happened in the story, shoot me a PM or a tweet (godofbacon), and I will do my absolute very best to give you an answer.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~You can see a person's whole life in the cancer they get~ - Haruki Murakami_

* * *

**September 15, 1989**

"She's been here for a week. Can I at least take her home for a few hours so she can spend some time with her family?" Sandy asked, her eyes pleading with the young doctor to say yes. She had been sitting with JJ all morning and had watched as the light in JJ's eyes drained away with each minute she spent in the hospital bed.

Edmonds glanced through the door, where JJ was curled up in her bed watching a kid's program on the TV. He knew how tough the hospital could be on children and their families. He had watched it tear families apart.

"Well...she doesn't have any procedures or tests until tomorrow morning. I think we can manage that," he replied warmly. He wanted his patient to be happy. If she started off this difficult phase of her life knowing she could rely on and trust her doctor, the whole journey would be much easier.

Sandy breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you. You're going to be her favourite doctor because you 'let her escape'"

Edmonds laughed. "I've only known her for two days and I love her sense of humour"

Sandy smiled as they walked back into the room. JJ turned her head, smiling when she saw her oncologist following her mom into the room.

"Hi Doctor Edmonds," she said sweetly.

"Hi Jennifer. How are you feeling?" Edmonds asked warmly, sitting down on the edge of JJ's bed as Sandy resumed her place in the recliner.

"Pretty good. I'd be better if people could stop calling me Jennifer. Only Mom calls me Jennifer," JJ replied. Edmonds laughed, while Sandy shot her a teasing look.

"What do you prefer to be called?" he responded.

"JJ," JJ affirmed with a nod a smile.

"JJ it is," Edmonds approved. "So, JJ, how would you feel about, oh, I don't know, going home for a few hours tonight?"

JJ's face lit up as a huge smile spread across her face. "That would be awesome, oh can I please?"

Sandy smiled at seeing her daughter so happy. When she had returned to the hospital the previous morning after taking James to school, she had found JJ and Michael cuddled up in JJ's bed, JJ's eyes swollen and puffy from crying all night. It had broken her heart.

"I can arrange for you to be discharged after lunch, and you'll have to come back before nine o clock, so you can spend the afternoon at home and have dinner with your family. I'm saving you from hospital food," Edmonds joked. JJ giggled.

"I'd like that, I wanna see my brother," she said with a smile. "And have some of dad's lasagne...Mom, can Dad make lasagne, please?" she pleaded, turning to her mother.

Sandy laughed, nodding at her amazingly exuberant child. It was incredible what the prospect of leaving the hospital for a few hours did for her mood.

"I think your dad would _love_ to make lasagne for you," she replied warmly, reaching over and squeezing JJ's hand. JJ beamed, her smile infectious as she fell back against her pillows and pulled the blankets up to her chest, excitedly awaiting her trip home.

* * *

After Sandy had signed all the day only discharge forms, Dr Edmonds had carefully removed the drain from JJ's skull, on the decision that she didn't really need it anymore anyway. It had been a quick procedure, only knocking her out with a light dose of anaesthetic while the drain was removed.

With a patch on her forehead, her beanie on her head, and her favourite jeans and oversized sweater, JJ was wheeled to a day of freedom. She was too excited about going home to care that she had to be taken out to the car in a wheelchair, something that Sandy had been grateful for; she hadn't wanted to argue with her child, not after the week they had had.

JJ had sung along to the radio as Sandy drove them home. She normally wasn't so outgoing, and Sandy loved that a simple thing such as being at home could make her daughter so happy and carefree.

However, it saddened her every time she looked at JJ to think that there were cancer cells raging in her system. That in a few weeks time, their little girl probably wouldn't be so chirpy and happy as she dealt with the harsh reality of cancer treatment.

Feeling a lump rising in her throat, Sandy quickly willed it away.

JJ was home, even if it was only for a few hours. As long as JJ was happy, it was a happy day.

* * *

The first thing JJ had done when she got home, after getting a long hug from her dad, was fall face first onto her bed and snuggle under the comforter. She hadn't slept, merely enjoyed the simple happiness of her own bed after a week in her hospital bed.

Hearing voices downstairs, she got up from the tangled yet comforting mess of her linens, slowly making her way down the stairs with one hand pressed firmly against the wall to steady herself; she was still struggling with her foot after the surgery, and moved a lot slower than she had just a week earlier. She didn't let it worry her though; Dr Edmonds and the physiotherapist she'd met with were confident that once she had beaten the cancer, which Edmonds was confident she would, she would return to near full strength once more.

Reaching the bottom of the stairs, she heard her brother's voice, the surprise evident at finding his mom and his dad home at the same time.

"Mom! I thought you were at the hospital with JJ?" he asked, standing in the archway, his backpack slung over one shoulder as he watched his dad preparing dinner and his mom helping out.

"I was," Sandy replied, gesturing over his shoulder.

James turned around, his expression lighting up as he saw his baby sister standing on the last step.

"JJ!" he said excitedly, dropping his backpack on the floor and pulling JJ into a warm hug. JJ smiled, her happiness clear in her eyes as she rested her head on her brother's shoulder.

"You're home," he said softly, rubbing her back as he hugged her. "I've missed having you around"

JJ pulled away, her smile fading. "I'm going back tonight. I'm only home for a few hours"

James' expression fell. "Bummer," he murmured as they walked together into the kitchen, JJ leaning on James rather heavily.

"Yeah, unfortunately Jen is going back tonight after we've had dinner. She's having a spinal tap tomorrow, and," Sandy said, turning to JJ, "I do believe you're also getting a central line"

JJ screwed up her nose. "Spinal taps sound gross"

Michael laughed. "They are a little, peanut, but you'll be ok"

"What's a central line?" JJ asked as she took a seat at the kitchen table.

"You know how Doctor Edmonds said you need to have chemo?" Michael said, placing a layer of pasta sheets in the casserole tray as he spoke. Seeing JJ nod, he continued. "Well, your chemo has to go straight into your blood stream. So what they will do, is they will put you to sleep, and they'll insert a tube, either in your chest or hip, or under your ribs, and that tube will go from the outside of your skin into a major artery or vein. The chemo will be connected to the end of the tube that is outside your body. The doctors will also be able to take blood through that line and give you transfusions if you need them, so you won't have to be stuck every time you need a test"

JJ's eyes were wide. "How do you know all that?"

Michael grinned. "I used to watch a _lot_ of medical documentaries on TV. You pick it up"

James and JJ laughed at their dad before getting up and heading through to the family room to watch some TV and play board games.

Sandy smiled, moving closer to her husband and leaning into his side when he wrapped an arm around her. Sliding her arms around his midsection as he put down the box of pasta sheets he'd been holding, she leaned against his chest as he pressed a loving kiss to her temple.

"I'm scared Mike," she whispered. "She's only a little girl"

Michael nodded, rubbing her back as they stood in the middle of their kitchen. "That's why she is going to depend on us greatly. We'll get her through this"

* * *

Before dinner, JJ had lain outside on a picnic blanket, enjoying the breeze in her hair and the sun on her skin. Sandy had joined her for a little while, laying beside her daughter and laughing whenever JJ found something to giggle about. She had found herself wishing she'd seen more of that side of her little girl. Always such a tough kid, yet such an excitable girl. It made Sandy wonder if maybe had she paid a fraction more attention to JJ, would she have seen it?

They had enjoyed JJ's favorite dinner as a family. JJ had struggled with her cutlery to the point where James had cut her lasagne up for her so she only had to worry about her fork.

JJ had cuddled with her dad for a little while before needing to pack some things up so that she and her mom could head back to Allegheny General.

"Do you want to take Mister Moses?" Sandy asked, half amused as she held out the stuffed frog JJ had had since she was four years old. He had proudly held that name since JJ was six and had heard the name Moses in a biblical talk the kids at the elementary school had attended.

JJ scoffed. "He's for little kids Mom"

Sandy raised an eyebrow. "You sure?"

JJ nodded, grabbing one of her favorite books off of her bookshelf. "I'm sure"

Shrugging, Sandy set the frog back on JJ's shelf.

But once she was sure JJ had her back turned long enough, she slipped the frog into her bag. She had seen enough of JJ's vulnerable, innocent side in the past week to know that he was more or less likely going to come in handy.

* * *

It was just past ten when JJ was finally settled back in her bed on the pediatric ward. Sandy sat beside her bed, in her usual spot in the recliner, watching as her happy and contented eleven year old snuggled down into her blankets and drifted off to sleep.

Yes. The trip home had definitely been worth it.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: How cute was JJ in the last chapter?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavour by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts~ - Washington Irving_

* * *

**September 16, 1989**

Rolling over onto her other side, JJ opened her eyes slightly as she buried her face in her pillow. Her mom was still in the recliner, reading the book she'd brought from home.

JJ knew she was having a spinal tap that day, and while she wasn't entirely sure what it was, it didn't sound like a great deal of fun. She knew she was also getting a central line; that sounded gross, but also pretty cool. A tube that went straight to her bloodstream; she knew she would have to be careful with that one.

Rubbing her eyes, she pushed the blankets away from her shoulders a little, managing to free her arms so she was a little more comfortable.

"Morning monkey," Sandy said softly, looking up from her book when she heard her daughter stirring. "Sleep well?"

JJ nodded, her eyes remaining almost closed as she tried to fight off that sleepy feeling.

"They're bringing your breakfast in a minute, and then you're having your tap in an hour," Sandy told her, moving the chair closer so she could lean on the edge of the bed. Reaching out, she gently brushed JJ's hair away from her eyes, her fingers lingering on her daughter's pale cheek.

"I forgot to tell you last night that I love you," she said softly, a gentle smile on her face.

JJ gave her a sleepy grin. "Mom, you tell me every day"

Sandy chuckled. "I know. I just want that to be the last thing you hear at night"

JJ smiled up at her mom, managing to keep her eyes open now that she was a little more awake. She felt a warm fuzzy feeling inside her as her mom smiled back at her. Was that what a mother's love felt like?

"I love you too Mom"

* * *

Laying on her side with her knees raised towards her chest, JJ was feeling extremely nervous. The drape was over her back, and she'd already been swabbed with disinfectant.

Dr Edmonds had decided against putting JJ to sleep for the spinal tap; she was having her central line placed later in the afternoon, and he didn't want her to be drugged to sleep twice in one day. Instead, he had administered a strong local anaesthetic.

"How does that feel JJ?" Edmonds asked, gently pressing the needle against her skin, not enough to break it.

JJ swallowed thickly, looking at her mom, who was sitting in front of her. "I can feel it, but it feels really weird"

"Ok, that means the anaesthetic has kicked in. JJ, what I'm going to do now is I'm going to push this needle into your skin and between your vertebrae into your spinal column. I have to apply a fair amount of pressure to get it into your spine, so it's going to feel uncomfortable and it may hurt"

"I don't like needles," JJ whispered, her eyes filling with tears.

"I'm sorry, JJ, I know needles aren't very nice. This won't take very long, I promise," Edmonds said apologetically. "I'm going to start now"

JJ slipped her hand into her mother's, taking deep breaths to try and hold back her tears. She really didn't like needles at all.

She barely felt the needle break her skin, but as soon as it started to pass between her vertebrae, she could feel it pressing against the bone. The next thing she felt was a lot of pressure, and that was when it started to hurt.

Tears fell from her pretty blue eyes as she let out a shaky breath. She felt the small pop which meant the needle had broken into her spinal column. It was really hurting. She knew the local was taking the edge off, but that didn't stop her from bursting into tears.

"Stay nice and still for me JJ, it's nearly over," Edmonds said reassuringly, holding a vial underneath the bore needle to catch a sample of spinal fluid.

JJ's grip tightened on Sandy's hand as Sandy tried to comfort her, brushing her hair away from her face and repeatedly whispering gentle words to soothe her.

"It hurts Mommy," JJ sobbed, her hand gripping her mother's like an iron claw. Sandy's heart broke at JJ's utterance of 'Mommy'. She hadn't called her that in nearly four years.

"I know baby, but it's nearly over. Just a minute or two more," she said gently, squeezing JJ's hand and promising not to let go.

Seeing the scared tears falling rapidly from JJ's eyes, Sandy reached down under the bed and grabbed Mister Moses out of her bag. Handing him to JJ, she watched as JJ clutched the beloved toy with her free hand, hugging him close to her chest as she tried to stop her sobs.

She knew she'd been correct in bringing him to the hospital. JJ liked to play it cool, but Sandy knew better.

Finishing up the procedure with a small vial of spinal fluid, Dr Edmonds removed the needle, swabbed JJ's skin with a sterile wipe and covered it with a clean dressing.

"All done. Your back's gonna be a little sore for the rest of today. I'll have to come back and check it before you go for your central line, because I need to make sure you don't have any fluid leaking, ok?" Edmonds said gently, removing the drape and pulling JJ's shirt back down.

"Ok," JJ said in a small tearful voice.

"You did really well JJ, considering we usually put kids to sleep for a spinal tap," Edmonds praised, moving around to where JJ could see him. JJ nodded, cuddling Mister Moses closer to her chest.

Edmonds spoke to Sandy for a few more minutes before bidding his goodbyes and leaving the room.

Returning to the recliner, Sandy looked at JJ, who was curled up on the bed with Mister Moses clutched tightly in her two hands.

"You ok little monkey?" she asked gently, placing one hand over JJ's.

"Why did you bring Mister Moses after I said no?" JJ asked quietly. Her tone wasn't accusing...more curious.

Sandy shrugged, a small smile playing around her lips. "I had a feeling he would be needed. A mother just knows these things"

JJ managed a tiny smile before gingerly rolling onto her back, grateful to find that it didn't hurt too much. Finding the remote for her TV among the sheets, she cycled through the channels with her right hand, Mister Moses held like a lifeline in her left.

* * *

"Ok JJ, you ready to go get yourself a nice brand spanking new central line? They are, I hear, the latest accessory to have," Edmonds said as he entered the room for the second time that day. JJ giggled at her doctor, having calmed down after her spinal tap.

Moving to the other side of JJ's bed, he quickly checked the dressing over the puncture for her spinal tap.

"All looks good. We're going to take you up to surgery now. The central line operation is only about an hour, not long at all," he said to Sandy and JJ.

"Doctor Edmonds?" JJ said quietly.

"Yeah JJ?" Edmonds replied, leaning on the end of JJ's bed.

"Do you think I could take my frog with me?" JJ asked, holding the frog in her hands.

Edmonds smiled. "I think that would be fine"

JJ beamed at her oncologist, tucking Mister Moses in the crook of her arm as he lifted the rails on the sides of her bed. A couple of nurses came into the room, disconnecting the few monitors that JJ was hooked to from the wall.

Sandy got up and moved to the edge of the bed, leaning down and pressing a kiss to JJ's forehead.

"I love you monkey," she said with a smile. JJ's subsequent giggle warmed her heart.

"Love you too Mom," JJ said softly.

With one last kiss to her daughter's cheek, Sandy watched as they took her away to give her a central line.

The reality of the situation was starting to hit her. Her healthy eleven year old girl didn't need a central line.

Her eleven year old girl who was fighting cancer did.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Chloe had a story on the Perth news on Sunday night. Such a brave girl!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy~ - Anne Frank_

* * *

**September 25, 1989**

Finally, more than two weeks after being admitted, JJ was home.

It had been two difficult weeks, what with procedure after procedure, and then a ten day intense physical therapy program. JJ had struggled somewhat with her walking after the surgery, and the physio had been aimed at helping her regain that strength.

The first few days after having her central line placed had also been difficult. She had been in a fair amount of pain, but that had slowly diminished as her body began to heal around the port. She had had a triple lumen Hickman catheter inserted into her upper left chest, just above her breast.

JJ only had a week to go until she started treatment, and she was determined to make that week as normal as possible.

* * *

Slowly opening JJ's bedroom door, Sandy found her daughter still sleeping in the mess of linens that she called a bed. One of her blankets was hanging down on the floor, Mister Moses entangled in it. A stray pillow was also lying against the wall beneath the window. What remained on the bed was tangled around JJ's body.

Grinning, Sandy gently crossed the room, sitting down on the edge of the bed. JJ wasn't going to school, but she needed to get up and try to keep a normal as possible sleep cycle. Dr Edmonds had advised that it would make the first few radiation treatments easier if her sleep was as normal as possible.

Placing her hand on JJ's shoulder, she leant down next to her ear. "Rise and shine," she said in a soft sing song voice.

"No," JJ groaned, pulling her pillow over her head.

Sandy laughed. "Come on monkey, you need to get up. We have to keep your day as free of disruptions as possible"

JJ huffed, grabbing the pillow on her head and dropping it down onto the floor as she sat up, wincing slightly as the movement pulled on her central line.

Untangling herself from the sheets, JJ swung her legs over the edge of the bed, grabbing her beanie from her nightstand.

"I'll leave you to get dressed. I'll make you some breakfast, ok? What would you like?" Sandy said warmly, rising from her place on the edge of the bed.

JJ thought for a moment, tugging the beanie onto her head. "Can I have pancakes?"

Sandy smiled. "I think I can manage that. You get dressed and make your bed, and then come downstairs, ok?"

JJ nodded, watching as her mother left the room and pulled the door closed behind her. Getting to her feet, she crossed the room and stood in front of the mirror as she pulled her sleep shirt over her head.

Standing there in just her pyjama bottoms, she took in the image before her. Even though only two weeks had passed since her diagnosis, she looked to have lost some of her muscle tone, and her skin looked paler than usual.

The central line hung down to almost the bottom of her left ribs, the top covered with a sterile dressing to keep out infection. The triple lumen tubing gave JJ a lump in her throat; it was the first sign that she couldn't pretend the cancer wasn't there.

Grabbing a shirt out of her open closet, she tugged it over her head. Swapping her pyjama pants for sweats, she straightened the beanie on her head and closed the door once more.

Turning around, she went back over to her bed, quickly straightening all the linens until it looked presentable again. Setting her pillow and Mister Moses down at the headboard, she smiled, crossing her bedroom and leaving the room.

As she slowly made her way down the stairs, her hands holding the wall for support, she felt a lump in her throat at the thought of how in a few week's time, her hair was probably going to fall out.

Reaching the bottom of the stairs, she shuffled into the kitchen, stopping in the doorway as she watched her mom flipping pancakes.

"Mom?" she asked, her voice wavering slightly. It was barely enough for Sandy to notice.

"Yeah Jen?" Sandy called over her shoulder, lifting a pancake from the pan and placing it on the plate before pouring another one out.

JJ burst into tears. "Will you still love me when my hair falls out?"

Sandy almost dropped the ladle of pancake mix in shock. Placing it back down in the bowl, she turned around, tears stinging her eyes.

"Jen...what makes you think that I won't?" she asked softly, her voice thick with oncoming tears as she moved around the island and approached her daughter.

"You won't think I'm pretty when I'm bald," JJ sobbed, her sudden onset of emotion getting the better of her.

Wrapping her arms around her daughter, Sandy fought back tears. The fact that JJ thought her mother wouldn't love her anymore completely broke her heart.

Pulling away from the hug, Sandy knelt down in front of her petite daughter, taking her hands in hers as her eyes welled with tears.

"Jen...whether you are covered in hair, or have none at all, I will always love you, and I will always think you're beautiful, because you're my baby girl. I love you so much, and that will never change, I _promise_ you," she said tearfully, her voice full of the emotion she was feeling.

"Then why did Roz leave us?" JJ sobbed. "She didn't love us enough to stay"

Pulling JJ back into a warm loving embrace, Sandy clutched her baby girl, tears coming thick and fast as sobs wracked her body. "Roz loved you Jennifer, she did. She just...she had a lot going on that she never talked to anyone about and it was too much for her. It's not that she didn't love you because she did, she loved you so much"

JJ buried her face in her mother's shoulder, her tears slowing as her mom rubbed her back in slow, gentle circles.

"It's ok, Jen. We'll get you through this. And we will _never_ stop loving you"


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: I have had uni all week, that's why this is so late. Oh, and I am going away this weekend, so no updates until like...Monday night.**

**Now, I don't know how Allegheny General Hospital works. I know from my research that they specialise in paediatric oncology among other things, but because it's a general hospital, unlike the hospital Chloe goes to, the paediatric department is just one section of the hospital. So I've made it that it's a large department with many smaller wards for different areas of treatment, therefore they have their own paediatric oncology ward.**

**I have named that ward 'Ward 3B' to honour the amazing care that is provided by the doctors and nurses on the ever backed up Ward 3B at Princess Margaret Hospital.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares~ - Henri J.M. Nouwen_

* * *

**October 2, 1989**

Watching from behind the protective glass, Sandy was unable to believe the position they were in. For the last month, it had felt like a mistake. Like at any point, the doctors would return and apologise for the mistake that had been JJ's diagnosis. Like someone would jump out and yell that they'd been punked.

Now that JJ was lying on the table receiving her first round of radiation, it felt real.

She had been admitted to the oncology ward within the paediatric department that morning to receive an induction bag of a chemotherapy drug called Cisplatin. Dr Edmonds had warned Sandy that Cisplatin was one of the strongest chemo drugs JJ would receive, and that it would probably make her sick within the next couple of days.

She watched as the machine powered down and the mask protecting JJ's face and holding her in one position was let up.

After the radiologist, Dr Westfield, spoke to JJ for a minute or two, JJ came out through the door beside them, immediately heading over to her mom. Her walking was improving in leaps and bounds, and she looked stronger every day.

"Hey monkey. How'd you go?" Sandy asked, hugging her daughter and quickly kissing the top of her head.

"Good," JJ replied simply, tugging her beanie back onto her head.

Dr Westfield approached the mother and daughter after exiting the room, smiling at them standing before her.

"Ok, I know this is Jennifer's first round, but I need to make you aware of what side effects you need to watch out for, because they all manifest differently in each patient," she said gently. Sandy nodded, moving to the seat that Dr Westfield was gesturing towards. JJ sat down in her mom's lap, watching the radiologist as she sat down beside them.

"It usually takes the first week or two before these side effects manifest, but you need to be watching out for things such as redness in your skin, sore throat and mouth, and you'll probably start to feel quite tired by the end of next week. The redness will be the start of radiation burns. You'll notice them at the top of your head and on your neck and they will get darker with each round and more painful, but they will fade eventually and the pain will dull. In the meantime, just be careful when washing your hair and use a really gentle soap on your skin, ok?" Dr Westfield explained. JJ nodded, leaning back on her mom as she looped the drawstring of her hoodie around her finger.

"You also can't really go out in the sun for too long, and if you do, make sure your skin is protected. With a sore throat and mouth, that's something that is called mucositis. It presents with both chemo and radiation, and it can be pretty nasty, so as soon as you start having trouble swallowing or you notice a burning sensation in your throat, let Dr Edmonds know. That's pretty much it, but if there's something else you notice, let either myself or Dr Edmonds know, and we can answer any questions you have"

Thanking the young doctor, Sandy helped JJ back into the wheelchair she had brought her up to Radiology in.

"Do I have to stay in hospital for two days?" JJ mumbled, slipping her hands inside her sleeves as her mother wheeled her out of the Radiology ward and down the hall to the elevators.

"Unfortunately, yes. You heard Dr Edmonds. But we'll be home before you know it," Sandy replied, stopping at the elevator and pressing the down button.

"Nuh uh," JJ said quickly. Sandy chuckled as the doors opened, allowing her to wheel JJ into the elevator.

Just before the doors closed, someone reached out and pushed on the inside of the door to open it again. The doors slid out once more, revealing another woman pushing a young girl, who looked to be about JJ's age, in a wheelchair.

They entered the elevator, stopping beside JJ and Sandy, facing them as the doors closed.

"Heading back to 3B?" Sandy asked conversationally.

"Always," the mother joked, making Sandy laugh. "I'm Anna, and this is Gabby"

Gabby smiled at Sandy and JJ. JJ was watching her curiously; she was a pretty girl but it was painfully obvious that she was very sick. Her bald head was covered by a baggy beanie, which was black with multi coloured firework patterns on it. She had tube in her nose, held in place by medical tape, and she was very pale.

But the one thing that stood out to JJ was Gabby's dark brown eyes. They seemed full of light and life. And that gave JJ hope.

"I'm Sandy and this is Jennifer," Sandy replied, snapping JJ out of her thoughts.

"JJ," JJ corrected quickly, making Anna and Gabby laugh as Sandy rolled her eyes.

"So how long are you guys in for?" Anna asked as the elevator trundled down to the third floor.

"Just two nights. Jen just had her first round of radiation, so it's just an-"

"-observational stay," Anna finished with a smile and a knowing nod. "We've had a few of those hey, Gab?"

"Yeah," Gabby replied. "They suck"

"Are you here for a longer stay?" Sandy asked.

Anna nodded. "She spiked a fever on Thursday after a platelet transfusion, so she was admitted and we've been here ever since. We would've been here Friday anyway for radiation so it wasn't a big deal then, but it was a bummer that she was in for the weekend"

The elevator came to a halt, the doors sliding open to allow Sandy and Anna to exit with the girls and make their way back down the hall towards the sliding doors that led to Ward 3B.

"What room are you in?" Sandy asked as the doors whirred open to allow them through.

"Room 6, you?" Anna replied, stopping outside the ward reception desk to fill out some of her paperwork.

The receptionist handed Sandy the same paperwork, the post radio admission forms, as Sandy turned to respond.

"Room 4," Sandy replied, taking the forms and a pen and leaning on the counter to fill them out.

As their mothers filled out the paperwork, JJ and Gabby sat facing each other in silence. Gabby was watching JJ out of the corner of her eye. She knew how confronting it could be to meet someone who already looked to be in the throes of cancer treatment when you had just been diagnosed yourself. It was like getting slapped in the face by reality.

"What does JJ stand for? Aside from Jennifer," Gabby asked gently, a smile creeping onto her face.

"Jennifer Jareau," JJ replied softly, her voice quiet and uncertain.

"That's pretty," Gabby said warmly. JJ managed a small smile before looking back at her lap, her fingers locking together tightly.

"So what are you here for? Like...what were you diagnosed with?" Gabby asked.

"Gabby!" Anna admonished sharply, looking at her daughter over her shoulder.

"I'm just making conversation!" Gabby replied, her voice rising as she looked up at her mother.

"Some people don't like talking about it-"

"I have medulloblastoma," JJ cut in, her voice suddenly strong and confident to be heard over the little spat between mother and daughter. "Stage four"

Gabby and her mother fell silent as Gabby turned back to face JJ. Sandy was watching closely, her pen held loosely in her hand.

"I have Ewing's sarcoma. Two spreads and a rockmelon sized tumor in my pelvis. I could not pee at all, so Mom brought me here," Gabby replied.

JJ giggled just as Dr Edmonds came around the corner.

"JJ, why is it every time I find you, you're giggling?" he asked teasingly, stopping beside the wheelchair as Sandy finished the paperwork and handed it back to the receptionist.

"Cos I'm funny," JJ replied playfully, making the others laugh.

"Well, Miss Funny, let's get you back to your room, ok?" Edmonds laughed, grabbing the handles of JJ's chair.

"Come visit me, ok? Or I'll come to you," Gabby called as JJ started to turn away.

Looking back over her shoulder, JJ smiled and nodded, before looking ahead down the hallway as she was wheeled back to her room.

There was something about Gabby. Something JJ liked.

She didn't know if it was her positive smile, her light, or her hope. But JJ liked it.

She had a feeling there was a friendship on the horizon.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: So you liked Gabby hey?**

**Went away for the weekend and had no Internet. As a result, I have the following two chapters also written, but I'm going to leave a bit of time between updates because I love when you guys review, you're beautiful people. Love you all.**

**And also because I wrote them all at 2am and I should probably proofread in case I did something similar to drunk texting.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~Even if your body isn't healthy, your soul overcomes that, it doesn't even care, it worships anyway, it's joyful anyway. That's what God wants to give you in your life~ - Lacey Mosley_

* * *

**October 3, 1989**

Sandy ran a hand through her hair as she stood waiting for a payphone to become available. She was tired...no, exhausted...and desperately hoping that the day ahead would be easier than the morning had been.

JJ had woken up around 2am feeling extremely nauseous and, being groggy and unable to find the basin in the dark, had thrown up all over herself and the bed linens. The nurses had been wonderful, helping JJ get cleaned up, changing her sheets, and giving her some anti nausea medication without making a big fuss. Sandy could tell they had dealt with similar incidents on a regular basis.

Sandy had sat up with JJ for the remainder of the night, grateful that she only got sick on two more occasions and managed to get the basin both times; Sandy had never been great with the kids getting sick, usually finding that she would end up nauseous as well. She knew that was something she would have to learn to deal with as JJ progressed through her treatment.

Finally managing to get a free phone, Sandy quickly dialled the home number, leaning against the edge of the booth as she waited for someone to answer.

"_Hello?_"

Sandy smiled as the voice of her son filled her ear. "James, it's Mom"

The smile in James' voice could be heard when he spoke again. "_Mom! Is everything ok?"_

"Everything's fine, James, Jen's just not very well. She's reacting to her medication. Can you put your dad on for me?" she told her son, the reassurance in her voice surprising even to her. She felt like a mess.

"_Yeah, I'll just get him,_" James replied.

Sandy listened with a grin as James put the phone down and yelled up the stairs for his dad. Some muffled footsteps and then a rattle told her Michael had come down.

"_Hey Sandy, everything alright?"_ he asked gently.

Sandy had to smile as her husband's voice finally greeted her. "Everything's almost ok. Jen had a chemo infusion yesterday and it caught up to her this morning. She's sick, weak, and tired"

"_My poor little peanut. What happened?"_

"She woke up nauseous and groggy, she couldn't find the basin in the dark, and ended up throwing up all over herself. She was so upset, but the nurses are wonderful, they got right to it and helped her get cleaned up," Sandy explained.

"_Is she feeling better now?"_

"Not really. She has radio this afternoon, and she was sick twice more this morning, so she's a bit cranky"

"_Well, I'll come in and see her on my way home from work, how's that sound?"_

"I think seeing her dad would really brighten her day," Sandy said with a smile.

"_Ok my love, then I'll see you soon"_

"See you then. I love you," Sandy said softly, turning her body towards the phone cradle as if giving herself more privacy.

"_I love you too. See you"_

"Bye," Sandy finished, waiting for Michael to hang up before she replaced the phone in the cradle.

Heading back down the hallway, Sandy stopped at the window to the room JJ was in. It broke her heart to see how run down JJ already was, and they had only just started the long and difficult journey to recovery.

JJ was curled up in the bed, not sleeping, but drifting in and out of a restless nap. She was already pale from being unwell in addition to a lack of sleep. She already looked so much thinner than compared to just a month earlier.

It scared Sandy. How would JJ look once she finished radiation?

Pushing against the door, Sandy entered the room, putting on a soft smile as she approached JJ's bed. Seeing her baby girl's bright blue eyes flicker up to meet hers, she felt some of the fear wash away.

They could and they would get through it.

"Hey monkey," Sandy said softly, sitting down beside JJ's bed and gently brushing her hair away from her tired little eyes. "How are you feeling?"

"My throat hurts," JJ croaked, her hand resting lightly against the front of her neck. "Stings"

Sandy looked at her sympathetically, continuing to run her hand through JJ's hair in soft, gentle strokes. "That's probably from vomiting this morning. The radiation will take more time than this to start having effects"

JJ nodded, her hand slipping into her mother's free one.

"Try to keep drinking lots of fluids, ok? It'll help get rid of that stinging, and it may help later on with the radiation, you never know"

"Yeah," JJ said softly. "Can you stay?"

"Of course I'll stay. I have nowhere else I'd rather be than here with you," Sandy said adoringly, leaning down and pressing a kiss to the tip of JJ's nose. "Ok?"

JJ giggled, squeezing her mom's hand. "Ok"

* * *

After her second round of radiation and a quick visit from Gabby, JJ was almost asleep when she heard a familiar voice floating into the room. A smile crossed her face as she realised who it was.

Opening her eyes, she saw her dad walking into the room, looking exhausted from a day's work, but thrilled to be seeing his baby girl.

"Dad!" JJ said excitedly, pushing herself up. Somewhat unsteadily, she got up onto her knees at the edge of the bed, gripping her mom's arm for support.

"Hey peanut!" Michael said happily, feeling a warmth spreading in his heart as his tired little girl flung her arms around him once he reached the edge of the bed. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired," JJ mumbled, resting her head on her dad's shoulder, a contented smile on her face. "But better now"

Sandy had to smile. JJ loved spending time with both of her parents, but she always had a soft spot for her daddy. Michael was the exact same with her. He loved all of his children, but his little soccer star could always get her way with her dad.

"Are you better because the best daddy in the whole wide world came to visit you?" Michael teased, pulling back from the hug so he could see JJ's face.

JJ giggled, looping her hands around Michael's neck. "What makes you think _you're_ the best daddy?"

Sandy laughed as Michael pretended to look shocked. She loved witnessing the moments of playful teasing between the two. They both had such exuberant personalities that it was hilarious to overhear.

"Well, I'm the only daddy you'll ever have. So that makes me the best," Michael said pointedly, smiling at his daughter.

JJ smiled, going in for another hug and resting her head on her dad's chest, just below his shoulder. "Too right"

Michael stayed for a little longer, before he had to head home to get James' dinner sorted. He gave his wife a long hug and a loving kiss before blowing JJ a kiss as he left the room.

Waving to Michael, Sandy turned back to the bed, finding JJ sitting there with her nose screwed up like she'd just smelt something bad.

"What's your problem?" Sandy asked, bemused.

"You and Dad," JJ replied simply. "Kissing," she added, shuddering slightly. "It's so gross"

Sandy laughed as she once again took up her seat in the recliner. "When you're older and you're kissing your boyfriend, you won't think it's so gross"

JJ looked at her mother with wide eyes. "Ew"

Sandy laughed again, taking JJ's hand as JJ slid down in her bed a little and grabbed the TV remote.

They never let go of each other's hands, except for when JJ's dinner arrived. Sandy enjoyed the closeness they had between them, especially when JJ fell asleep clutching her mommy's hand, never wanting to let go.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: Well here you go! Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~There's no bitch on earth like a mother frightened for her kids~ - Stephen King_

* * *

**October 16, 1989**

Two weeks of radiation had left JJ starting to rapidly deteriorate.

Her skin was losing its colour. Instead of the glowing, reasonably healthy looking child she had been two weeks earlier, she looked pale and sick.

It made Sandy's heart ache terribly as she watched her daughter struggle with things like climbing the stairs, eating dinner, and doing the work that was being sent home for her from the school.

She was only two weeks into the nine week course, but the doctors had already decided her nutrition levels weren't good enough. She was vomiting more frequently, which resulted in not many of her meals staying down, and her throat pain, which was starting to appear, was making it harder to eat in the first place.

That was what led Dr Edmonds in the decision to give JJ her first naso-gastric feeding tube.

"Ok, JJ, this tube is going to go in your nose and down your throat to your stomach. You will be fed predominantly through this tube, but whatever you can manage by mouth is great, ok?" Dr Edmonds said, holding the end of the tube he had measured and lubricated just moments before. JJ was laying on a gurney in a small room adjacent to the x-ray room within the radiology department. A pillow was beneath her shoulders and head, keeping her propped up on the bed.

JJ nodded, gripping her mom's hand tightly. Dr Edmonds had told her it would probably hurt a bit the first two or three times they inserted the tube, and that had made her slightly afraid.

"Alright, I'm starting now," Dr Edmonds said gently, placing the end of the tube into JJ's left nostril, being careful not to advance it too fast.

"Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth," he instructed as he gently passed the tube through JJ's nasal cavity.

As the tube dropped through her nasal passage and into the back of her throat, JJ began to gag.

Holding a straw to JJ's mouth that was in a cup full of cold water, the nurse, whose name was Lizzie, spoke softly to JJ.

"Small sips, try swallowing as much as you can. It will help the tube pass," she said gently. JJ tried to swallow but found that she couldn't. Her gag reflex kicked in even more as she coughed and choked on the tube.

Holding the tube firmly so it wouldn't slip out of place, Dr Edmonds quickly helped JJ sit up, while Lizzie held an emesis basin for her.

Sure enough, the gagging led to JJ throwing up what little she'd eaten of her breakfast. Sandy squeezed her daughter's hand, holding it tight so that JJ knew she was there for her.

JJ was crying by the time she stopped vomiting, and that broke Sandy's heart. To her, watching them pass a tube through her nose down to her stomach was just cruel. It was hurting her baby girl, and they were continuing to do it. However, she knew it was important for JJ to have high levels of nutrition, and if the tube was the only way to manage that, it would have to do.

"Ok JJ, once this passes the back of your throat, it won't be so uncomfortable. Swallow as hard you can for me," Dr Edmonds said gently, slowly advancing the tube as JJ, sniffling quietly, sipped the water Lizzie was holding and swallowed the tube down.

Feeling the give that indicated the tube was past the back of her throat and almost down to her stomach, Edmonds smiled.

"That feel better?" he asked gently.

"Yeah," JJ croaked, still sipping the water to help ease the pain in her throat.

Once the marking Edmonds had made on the tube earlier was level with JJ's nose, Edmonds taped the tube down to JJ's cheek.

"Now we'll get a quick x-ray to make sure the tube is in the right place," he said, removing the gloves he'd had on. "You ready?"

Even though she wasn't ready, and she was clearly uncomfortable, she put on a brave face. Nodding at her doctor, she allowed her mother to help her into a wheelchair and take her down the hall to x-ray.

* * *

With JJ asleep upstairs, Sandy found the house in a lonely silence. James was at school, and Michael was working extra hours to cover the shifts he had missed following JJ's diagnosis. She and JJ hadn't spent a lot of time at home in the last month, what with being back and forward to the hospital when JJ wasn't staying there.

After cleaning up the kitchen from the late lunch she'd had, Sandy retreated to the front lounge room, settling into the couch as she started to wind down from the busy morning she and JJ had had.

No sooner than she had sat down, a lump swelled in her throat as tears flooded her blue eyes.

It had been just over a month. And already she felt like she was drowning. She'd watched her youngest child cry, scream in pain, vomit seemingly endlessly, sleep through entire days, shrink and pale right in front of her very eyes.

She'd lost her oldest baby. Now, she was facing losing her youngest in what was truly every parent's worst nightmare.

She didn't know how to be a cancer mom. She didn't know what lay ahead, and she certainly didn't know how her baby girl was going to handle the toughest battle of her life. She and Michael had been told the rough costs of saving their child's life, and it made Sandy sick. They didn't have that kind of money. Why did saving JJ's life have to be at such an unaffordable price?

Burying her face in her hands, Sandy tried to muffle her sobs; JJ had been sleeping rather lightly recently, and she didn't want to wake her up with her tears.

She knew that cancer had the ability to rip families apart. They had been so close to falling apart after Rosaline's death. JJ's diagnosis had seemingly brought them back together again.

That was enough to tell her that once they got through it, they would be closer than ever.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: This one's a rollercoaster for sure.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean~ - Maya Angelou_

* * *

**October 24, 1989**

Dragging herself out of her bed, making sure her NG tube didn't get caught on anything in the process, JJ blearily rubbed her eyes as she made her way over to her closet.

Opening the door, she couldn't help but feel devastated at the girl she saw staring back at her from the mirror on the inside.

Once a fit, healthy, eleven year old girl, she was now reduced to the wisps of a child who had once been. Her pyjamas hung on her like they belonged to someone four times her size. Her skin, once a bronzed complexion, was a shade of grey, almost white. Her hair hung limp and dull, no longer the brilliant gold it had once been. Radiation burns had cropped up on her scalp and on her neck; red and angry, they stung constantly.

Yawning, she reached up to run a hand through her bed styled hair, dragging her fingers through the scraggly locks as she looked at the clothes hanging in her closet; none of which she felt like wearing at all.

Feeling something in her hand as it left the ends of her hair, she looked down.

Her breath caught in her throat when she realised a large clump of her hair now rested in the palm of her hand.

Tears welled up in her eyes as she choked back a sob, looking up at the mirror once more. She could clearly see where it had come from. A patch of hair on the right side of her head looked significantly thinner than it had been just before.

Letting the hair fall to the carpet, she was helpless to stop her tears falling as she tried to grab a T-shirt from her closet with shaking hands.

She struggled to get it free of the hanger, tears clouding her vision as she tried not to cry. Cancer kids were brave. They were strong, courageous, and inspirational. She had to be just like them. Losing her hair was just part of the battle. It would grow back...it would grow back...

By the time she had the shirt free of the hanger, she was full blown sobbing, the cries wracking her body as she tried to pull her sleep shirt off.

"Jennifer? Baby, what's the matter?" came the sound of her mother's voice as the door to her bedroom opened.

Dropping the hem of her sleep shirt, JJ reached down and swiped the hair off of the floor, not even bothering to try and control her sobs as she thrust her hand towards her mother.

"THIS! This is the matter! I've had enough of this goddamn disease!" she yelled, her voice filled with the tears running down her face. "Why did it have to be me?! Why couldn't it have been Roz, she wanted to be dead anyway!"

Sandy let out a strangled cry as Michael pushed past her to reach his eleven year old daughter.

"Jennifer Jareau, don't you dare-!"

"NO DAD, DON'T YOU DARE!" JJ cut in, grabbing her pillow from her bed and hurling it at her dad with as much force as she could manage. "I'm going bald, I'm ugly, and can't go three hours without vomiting or ending up with diarrhoea, I can't eat anything, I'LL SAY WHATEVER THE HELL I LIKE!" she screamed. "I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL AGAIN!"

Michael tried to grab his daughter as she went to grab a handful of stuffed toys, but missed her by mere millimetres as she flung them across the room to bounce harmlessly off the window.

By now, James was standing beside his mother, trying to tug her away so he could calm her down.

"I'm so damn stupid and weak and ugly, IT'S NOT FAIR!" JJ sobbed. "I can't walk properly, I can't use a knife and fork like everyone else, and I can't go to school!"

"JJ, stop, stop! This isn't going to fix anything!" Michael yelled, diving for her as an armful of clothes went sailing towards the closet, hitting the mirror before sliding to the floor.

"I just want to go one day, ONE DAMN DAY, without throwing up! I want my hair to stay where it is, I want to be able to play soccer, I want Roz back!" JJ sobbed, her hand picking up a framed photo of her and Roz and throwing it at the opposite wall. As the glass shattered and rained down on the floor, Roz's necklace went flying across the room. Before JJ tried to grab the ornate candle holder sitting on her dresser, Michael managed to throw his arms around her, dragging her down to the floor as she cried and fought off his hold.

"Dad, let go, LET GO!" JJ screamed, pummelling his chest with her weakened punches. After a minute of trying to get free, she realised it was pointless. Breaking down into a sobbing wreck, she clutched at her dad with her knobbly fingers, burying her face in his shirt as he held her close and rubbed her back.

"Daddy," she sobbed softly, the voice of a broken little girl finally being heard after the display of immense anger they had just witnessed.

"It's ok, JJ, Daddy's got you. It's ok," Michael whispered, tears stinging his eyes as his baby girl wept on his shoulder.

James was finally able to lead Sandy away, taking her to the kitchen so she could collect herself before she and Michael dealt with their devastated daughter.

"JJ, when your hair is all gone...you will still be the most beautiful little girl I've ever seen," Michael said softly, trying to ignore how he could feel the sharp edges of JJ's bones beneath her skin.

"Not true," JJ cried, her tears creating a rapidly growing wet patch on the shoulder of her father's shirt.

"Yeah it is. You're a beautiful girl, baby, you really are. But even more important...you have a heart of gold. You're loved by everyone who meets you. You almost always have a beautiful smile on your face. And _that, _my girl, is why you're so beautiful," Michael said gently, kissing JJ's temple.

Holding her tightly, Michael gently rocked her back and forth, rubbing her back in slow circles to try and soothe her.

In all honesty, he wasn't surprised by JJ's outburst. He had been waiting for it to happen since Dr Edmonds had told her she had cancer. She had handled the news like a champion, but Michael wished she she hadn't. He had wanted her to break down, let out whatever she was feeling, and cope with the news by sharing her emotions.

Unfortunately, Rosaline's death had taught her to do the opposite.

"Daddy, I didn't mean what I said," JJ said tearfully, lifting her pale tear streaked face from her father's shoulder. "About Roz, I didn't mean-"

"It's ok," Michael whispered, kissing her forehead. "Your mom knows you're angry and you're hurting. She'll forgive you"

JJ let out a whimper, more tears falling as she cuddled up to her dad. "I'm sorry"

* * *

Michael had left JJ alone once James left for school, stating that he needed to go downstairs and check on Sandy.

After getting dressed in sweatpants and a sweater that had once belonged to James, JJ tugged her beanie on, noticing how the friction caused a few more smaller strands to come out, and slowly made her way downstairs.

Hearing soft voices in the front lounge room, she made her way in there, seeing her mom and dad huddled up on the couch, talking quietly.

"Mom?" JJ said weakly.

Sandy turned, seeing her frail daughter leaning heavily against the frame of the archway. Giving her a weak smile, she beckoned for her to join them.

JJ dragged her weary body over to the couch, sitting down between her parents. Her dad put his arm around her as her mom turned slightly so as to be able to talk to JJ easily.

"Jen...we know this isn't easy for you...we know you didn't ask for this to happen," Sandy started. Taking a deep breath, she took one of JJ's hands between her own. "We're not mad at you. What happened this morning is completely understandable. But what we do want to say...we want you to be more...open. I know it's hard when you're not used to talking about how you feel. But this road is going to be extremely difficult if we can't talk to each other and deal with what we're feeling"

JJ nodded. "I know," she said softly, her voice barely above a whisper.

"JJ, as for what you said this morning," Michael added, tipping his daughter's chin up with the tip of his finger. "You're not ugly. Cancer is an awful disease, and yeah, most of the time, you're not going to look like you just stepped off the catwalk"

JJ giggled, the first sign of happiness her parents had seen that day.

"But you're not ugly. I told you before that you are absolutely gorgeous, with or without hair. And no matter what happens in the next year or so, your mother, James, and myself love you to no end"

"And you are not stupid, Jen. You're still recovering from major brain surgery. You're making incredible progress. You're not stupid, just temporarily out of action," Sandy added with a smile. JJ smiled, reaching up and hugging her mom.

"Mom, I'm sorry about what I said about Roz. It was really mean," she said softly.

"It's ok. I know you didn't mean it, and I know you're still upset about Roz, we all are. We're going to get through this, ok?"

"Ok"


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: I got my driver's license!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~Sometimes there is nothing you can do. Sometimes they don't have enough to fight with~ - Tamora Pierce_

* * *

**October 29, 1989**

The past five days had been difficult for the Jareau family.

JJ had been deteriorating further, becoming sicker with each passing day. Sandy couldn't wait for the eight week break so that JJ could start to recover. She was even weaker than before; Michael had to carry her up the stairs each night, and she struggled even more with getting dressed, having had to get her mom to help her out on more than one occasion. She wasn't eating anything orally anymore, being fed totally through the NG tube. The thought of food was enough to make her vomit.

Her hair had been slowly thinning out, falling out in small amounts every day. Michael had offered to shave her head so that it wasn't annoying her, but JJ had refused, wanting to stay attached to her hair for as long as possible. Her parents had watched on sadly as she shed a few tears each time her hair fell, unable to say the right thing that would comfort their devastated little girl.

It was painful for everyone to watch.

* * *

"Mom, I don't feel well," JJ groaned as Sandy gently shook her awake. "Like, worse than yesterday"

Sandy looked at her daughter with concern. She did look paler than she had the day before. Her eyes had lost their sparkle and there was hardly any colour left in her face. She was clutching at the blankets around her body despite the fact that it was quite warm in her bedroom.

Putting her hand to JJ's forehead, she realised JJ felt a little feverish. "I should probably take you to the hospital, just make sure nothing's wrong"

"But it's Sunday," JJ moaned. "I don't have radio today, we should wait until tomorrow, please Mom, I wanna stay home"

Sandy sighed. She so badly just wanted to say that, yes, they could wait. But she wasn't putting her daughter at risk, even over the slightest thing.

"I don't want to take any chances, Jen. Come on, up you get"

JJ groaned in frustration, pulling herself up and out of her bed. Gripping her mom's arm, she got to her feet and dragged herself over to her dresser.

"This sucks"

* * *

Two hours later, JJ was sitting in the outpatient ward within the paediatric oncology department, waiting for Dr Edmonds to come and examine her. She was tired and cranky, and Sandy couldn't help but sympathise with her; if she had to come to hospital on a Sunday when she was supposed to be home, she'd be slightly pissed off too.

"Hey JJ. I hear you're not feeling too good," came the friendly and familiar voice of JJ's oncologist.

"Yeah," JJ murmured, sitting up a little in her bed.

"Let's take a look, hey? I'll get a full blood count first, see how your counts are so I can see if something's wrong there," Edmonds said gently, setting a drug box down on the table at the end of the bed. Pulling out a syringe and a cap, he moved towards JJ.

"Can you get your central line for me?" he asked gently. JJ nodded, reaching down the neck of her shirt and lifting out the lumens of her central line.

Uncapping one of the lumens, Edmonds slid the syringe into the tube, slowly taking a sample of blood to test JJ's full blood counts.

"These will be back shortly," he told them, capping the syringe when he was finished and placing it in a small container before handing it to the nurse who had just entered the room. "Right now I'll just check you over and see if anything's out of the ordinary"

He did a quick exam, checking JJ's lymph nodes, taking her temperature, looking in her throat, and checking her heart rate and breathing. While quick, he was thorough; anything he missed could potentially lead to infection, which could be extremely dangerous for kids fighting cancer.

"All seems normal except for your throat and your temperature. Your temperature's a little high, and your throat is definitely showing the side effects of radiation," he said, slipping his stethoscope back around his neck. "I'll prescribe some pain killers to try and manage the throat pain, but your temperature concerns me. I have a feeling your blood counts will tell us what's going on"

* * *

Sure enough, the blood counts revealed that JJ's haemoglobin was too low for Dr Edmonds' liking, which prompted him to order JJ's very first blood transfusion, the first of the many transfusions she would probably receive throughout her treatment.

JJ slept through the transfusion, as she was also receiving a high dose antibiotic to kill any infection that might have been causing her temperature, and it made her fairly drowsy. Not that she needed anything to help her sleep in recent days.

After the bag of blood was in, JJ was kept for three more hours to make sure she didn't develop a rejection infection. Sandy was getting more and more anxious that they were going to be spending the night. With each passing minute that JJ _didn't _spike the telltale fever, she felt like the chances were increasing that it would spike just before Edmonds was willing to send them home.

She wanted to get JJ home no matter how much effort it took.

That was what prompted her to get to her feet and go in search of the young doctor. Casting one last glance at her sleeping girl, she exited the outpatient ward. She walked down the hall towards the nurse's station, where she knew she would find Dr Edmonds.

Seeing him talking to Nurse Lizzie while he wrote something down on a chart, she approached the two.

"Doctor Edmonds," she said softly as she reached them. Edmonds looked up, smiling at the mother of his patient as Lizzie excused herself to do her rounds.

"Sandy, what can I do for you?"

"Does it look like Jen's staying in, or will I be able to take her home?" Sandy asked.

Sighing, Edmonds ran a hand through his curly brown hair. "I can't be sure. She's responded well to the blood transfusion, and her temperature from earlier is down, so at the moment it looks like she can go home. But we still have another obligatory hour of observation. If she spikes a temperature in the next hour, I have to admit her"

Sandy nodded. "So I'll just pray she doesn't"

"Exactly," Edmonds agreed. "I'll come and see how she's doing shortly"

Smiling and giving her thanks to the doctor, Sandy turned back down the hallway, making her way back to where JJ was starting to wake up from her nap.

"Hey little monkey," Sandy murmured as she approached the bed, leaning down and kissing JJ's forehead. "How are you feeling?"

"Bit better," JJ mumbled, rubbing her eyes sleepily and ignoring the few stray lashes that fell far too easily.

"You look better," Sandy replied, noting how the one bag of blood had brought the colour back to JJ's cheeks. A pale pink tinge had crept up JJ's cheekbones, and her skin looked a little darker, which Sandy was grateful for.

Reaching out, she gently brushed a few thin strands of hair away from JJ's eyes. "Just pray that your temperature stays down in the next hour, otherwise you're going to be admitted"

"Mom?" JJ asked, her voice soft and sweet.

"Yeah?"

"Can I have a kiss?"

Sandy had to laugh. "Of course you can my gorgeous girl"

JJ giggled as her mom leaned and gave her two quick kisses, one to her lips and one to the tip of her nose.

"Love you," Sandy said softly, taking JJ's hand as she sat back in the chair.

"Love you too," JJ replied, squeezing her mom's hand as she wriggled down beneath the covers, her smile genuine as it lit up her pretty face.

* * *

With a stroke of luck, JJ's temperature stayed below what was considered a fever. Dr Edmonds happily sent her home with colour in her cheeks and a sparkle in her eyes.

Less than ten minutes into the drive home, JJ had fallen asleep again, curled up in the front seat. She looked so cute that Sandy couldn't help but smile all the way home.

The journey would be hard. But moments like that...they would make it all worth it.


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: Well my computer is deciding to be an asshole.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are~ - Markus Zusak_

* * *

**October 31, 1989**

Having had her twenty second round of radiation that morning, JJ was curled up on the couch, half asleep as the terrible daytime soaps played on the TV. It didn't take a genius to figure out that she was feeling awful; one look at her skin was enough, let alone the bucket placed on the floor next to the couch.

She was getting considerably worse. Hardly anything stayed down anymore, even her feeds which were designed to cause as little nausea as possible. The first week with the tube had been fine, but after that, JJ had started throwing up all her feeds.

Michael was home, having taken a day off because JJ was having a particularly bad week. At that moment, he was leaning against the frame of the arch that opened into the lounge room, looking at his little girl with an expression that could only read as sadness.

Moving into the room, he walked past the couch JJ was on and seated himself down on the adjacent lounger. On the TV, a young girl was crying, gripping the hands of the young man as he stood stoically before her.

"He's cheating on her, so she stopped taking her birth control and got pregnant to him," JJ mumbled from behind Michael.

Michael laughed, turning to look at his daughter. "Why do you watch this crap Jay?"

"Because it's the only crap on TV at this time," JJ sighed, pulling her beanie down a little more.

Her hair was completely gone. It had shocked everyone how quickly it had fallen out, but Dr Edmonds had assured them it was completely consistent with Cisplatin.

JJ had at first been upset, but was now completely indifferent. She was feeling too sick and miserable to care. Even though her eyes were almost lash bare, and her eyebrows were patchy at best, she had gotten past the point of being upset by it.

Leaning forward so his elbows were on his knees, Michael smirked at his daughter. "How do you know about birth control and getting pregnant?"

"James," JJ replied simply, without missing a beat.

Instead of feeling slightly horrified at the thought of his eleven year old girl knowing about sex, Michael had to laugh. James and JJ were just as bad as each other, earning themselves the nickname 'The Terrible Twosome'.

Getting up from the lounger, Michael walked over to the hat stand that was positioned behind the arm of the couch where JJ's head was resting. It was time for one of her countless medications.

In order to prevent JJ having to spend exorbitant amounts of time in hospital, he and Sandy had had to create makeshift IV stands; one in the lounge room, and one in JJ's bedroom, to ensure that she was receiving medications, fluids, and feeds when she needed them without having to go to Allegheny General.

Both were hat stands. One was a hat stand that had sat unused in the corner of the lounge room for as long as Michael could remember. Another was one that James had bought at a yard sale for five dollars and subsequently never used.

Currently on the stand was a bag of saline to be used to flush JJ's line, a bag of pain medication, a bag of anti nausea medication, and the continuous bolus infuser for JJ's NG tube.

Checking the infuser, Michael picked up a syringe and a jar that was sitting beside the stand. Drawing up the required dose, he set the jar down and pressed 'Hold' on the infuser to stop the feed momentarily.

"Jay, can you sit up for a minute?" he asked softly. JJ nodded, gripping the hand her dad offered her as she pulled herself up to sit.

Disconnecting the bolus tube from the plastic valve on the end of the NG tube, Michael inserted the syringe, pushing on it gently to administer the medication.

Once the syringe was emptied, he quickly drew up some saline in the syringe and easily flushed it down the tube to get the medicine moving faster and keep the tube clear.

Hooking the bolus back into the valve, he kissed the top of JJ's head before she lay down again.

"Love you. Stop watching this crap," he chuckled.

"Love you too. No," JJ mumbled in reply, making her dad laugh as he walked away.

Michael was glad that JJ's dry wit seemed to be sticking around despite the fact that she was so sick. It gave him hope.

It made things feel a little more normal.

* * *

JJ had slept most of the afternoon, until James came home from school.

When James had eagerly told Sandy his plans to go trick or treating with his friends and their younger siblings, all hell broke loose.

JJ had remembered what day it was and had staggered over to her mom, asking to go trick or treating with her brother.

It had all gone downhill from there.

"I wanna go trick or treating, it's Halloween, Mom, I love Halloween," JJ begged, her voice filled with more energy than had been there earlier. She was on the verge of tears.

"Jen, you can barely stand and your immune system isn't very strong. You need to stay home," Sandy replied, taking JJ's hands in hers. "It's not a good idea for you to be around so many other people"

James stood nearby, his shoulders slumped and guilt etched in his expression. JJ hadn't even remembered it was Halloween until he'd mentioned his plans. He should've kept quiet.

"Mom, please, I wanna go," JJ replied tearfully, the first few tears beginning to fall. "I just want to do something normal, please Mom," she stated, finally bursting into tears as she tugged on her mother's hands.

Seeing her daughter cry so desperately broke Sandy's heart, but she had to stand her ground. JJ was not strong enough to leave the house, and that was final.

"Please let me go. Please," JJ sobbed, her pale face streaked with tears.

"I'm sorry, Jen, but your health is more important," Sandy said softly, trying to keep her voice from cracking.

JJ gave up, collapsing in tears as her dad moved in and wrapped his arms around her.

"Don't cry my little Jaybird, you can go next year," he said softly, his voice soothing as he lifted her up and turned towards the stairs.

"Next year is stupid," JJ sobbed from her dad's shoulder as he carried her up the stairs.

James watched guiltily as his dad carried his devastated sister up to her room, before turning to his mom.

"I'm not going," he said softly.

Sandy lifted her face, looking at her son sadly. "James...your sister's disease shouldn't make everyone stop what they want to do. If you want to go, you can go"

James shook his head. "That's the thing. I don't want to anymore. JJ loves trick or treating, I'm not going if she can't. It wouldn't be fair"

Sandy stood in silence for a moment, before pulling her boy into a warm hug.

"You're a wonderful brother James. It's lovely that you're thinking of your sister...but if you change your mind, you are more than welcome to go, ok?" she said softly, pulling back and kissing her son's forehead once she finished speaking.

James nodded, reaching up and gently closing his hand around his mother's wrist for a moment before he too retreated up the stairs to his bedroom.

Sandy watched sadly, her hands wrapped slightly around herself as she stood alone in the kitchen archway.

No matter what, she was not going to let the bitch cancer tear away what remained of the sense of normality in their little family.


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: This one may be a bit of a tear jerker.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~Tears shed for another person are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of a pure heart~ - José N. Harris_

* * *

**November 10, 1989**

Slumped against the wall of the shower, JJ wrapped her thin knobbly hands around her stomach as she tried to ignore how cold she was. She closed her eyes, taking deep breaths as she silently willed someone to come to the bathroom door.

She hated that the radiation made her so sick, that it rendered her too weak to call out for her mother when she needed help. Her throat was burning so badly that even breathing hurt, let alone trying to speak.

She'd managed to reach up and turn off the water, but now she was too weak to get up off the shower floor, meaning she was huddled against the tiles, shivering as the water cooled against her frail body.

"Jen? Honey, you ok?" came her mother's soft voice. "You've been in there for quite a while"

JJ heaved a sigh of relief. Thank god. Her prayers had been answered. She wasn't going to freeze to death on the shower floor after all.

"Can you come in?" she replied softly, the weakness in her voice inciting a feeling of fear within her. She sounded so vulnerable and scared; she hated that. She was tough. She was the girl who ran around kicking the soccer ball with the boys. Not a scared little girl. She wasn't that.

She heard her mother try the handle and swallowed thickly when she remembered that she'd locked the door.

"It's locked, hon, can you open up?" Sandy asked.

JJ took a deep breath. "Don't panic...because physically, I'm ok...I'm just too tired to get up," she explained in a quiet voice, taking deep breaths between each phrase. Even speaking wore her out.

"Ok, hang on and I'll be right back," Sandy told her calmly.

JJ listened as her mother's footsteps got quieter the further she got from the bathroom. Before long they were gone, probably on the first floor, and JJ was too exhausted to pay attention.

It wasn't long before her mother was back. Footsteps at the door indicated her return. For a moment, the door simply rattled, and then with a subtle click, the lock popped open.

When Sandy came in and found her eleven year old slumped on the floor of the shower, her defeated body shivering almost violently, her heart sank.

JJ made no attempt to hide her naked body. She was too sick and too miserable to care. She just wanted her mom to help her.

"Oh Jen," Sandy sighed, setting the screwdriver she'd used to pop the lock down on the bathroom counter. Kneeling down in front of the cabinet, she grabbed one of the big fluffy towels out of the cupboard, before heading over to the shower and pushing the curtain open all the way.

Reaching in, she wrapped the towel around her freezing child, before easily lifting her out, careful not to bump the central line or the NG tube.

It scared her that it was easy for her to lift her daughter. She was quite petite herself, and once the kids had been older than four or five, it had been hard work to lift them or carry them around.

Sitting back against the wall, she cradled her sick child in her arms, the towel completely covering JJ's frail body. She wanted the shivering to subside before they made any move at all.

Gently rubbing her hands over JJ's back, Sandy willed for some energy and life to find its way into her daughter's body. Seeing her so weak made her want to cry.

"You ok?" she asked softly.

JJ nodded, her eyes half closed as she lay, totally drained, in her mother's arms. "Just want to sleep," she mumbled, fighting to stay awake as the warmth of the towel surrounded her body. "I hurt, Mom"

Sandy swallowed back the tears that were welling in her eyes. "I know it hurts. Just stay awake for a little longer. We'll get you into some warm clothes and then I'll give you some pain medication, ok? And then you can sleep"

JJ managed to open her eyes, looking up at her mom as she hugged the towel around her body. "I don't think I can walk"

Sandy swallowed thickly, nodding slowly. "That's ok, I think I can carry you"

Clutching her sick child in her arms, Sandy used the wall as leverage to get her feet.

Turning around, she carefully carried JJ out of the bathroom, across the landing and into her bedroom. As she entered the bedroom, she closed the door behind her using her foot, before gently setting JJ down on the bed.

"Do you need some help to get dressed?" she asked gently. When JJ nodded weakly, Sandy swallowed thickly, steeling herself against all emotion as she moved over to JJ's closet and quickly found a pair of sweatpants, a t-shirt, and a large sweater that JJ adored.

Handing JJ a pair of underwear from the pile of clean washing on her dresser, Sandy averted her eyes at JJ's insistence while JJ struggled into them. While JJ hadn't cared before if her mom saw her naked, she was now a little more alert and wanted to protect her modesty as much as she could; no matter how sick she was.

Once JJ had her underwear on, she carefully got to her feet, holding onto her mom's shoulders while she stepped into the sweatpants.

JJ had gripped onto her mom for all the support she could get as Sandy had helped her get the band of the sweatpants up onto her hips. She'd had to sit down to pull on the shirt and the sweater, and even then, was too tired to get them over her head.

Once JJ was clothed, Sandy reattached the bolus tube to JJ's NG tube, and then the pain medication to her central line.

"Mom?" JJ said weakly as she burrowed under her covers.

"Yeah baby?" Sandy replied gently, running her hand over the top of JJ's head. It was so strange to see her little girl with no hair, to see her so weak she couldn't be the little soccer star she'd once been. It made her hate the disease JJ was fighting so much more.

It took JJ a minute to reply, and for just a moment before JJ spoke, Sandy thought she might've fallen asleep. It was entirely plausible; JJ had dropped off mid conversation more times than she could count on both hands.

"Can you stay with me?" JJ finally murmured, looking up at her mom with medication clouded eyes.

"Absolutely," Sandy replied gently, slipping off her shoes and sliding in beside her daughter. Pulling her into her arms, she ignored the sharp feeling of JJ's bones poking out underneath her skin, which in recent days, had turned almost a sick shade of grey.

They lay there in silence for a little while, JJ cuddled in her mom's arms with her face in the crook of her neck. Her breathing was deep and even, and for that reason, Sandy thought she had fallen asleep.

"I don't think I'll be able to play soccer again," came JJ's soft voice nearly twenty minutes later.

Sandy had jumped slightly at JJ's words, not expecting her to speak. Quickly regaining her composure, she kissed the top of JJ's head.

"You can do anything you set your mind to," she murmured comfortingly, rubbing JJ's back in small slow circles.

"The cancer is going to stop me," JJ whispered. "Everything hurts Mom...it won't go away"

Sandy let out a choked sob. She knew her daughter was in so much pain every day, and there was nothing she could do about it. It wasn't something that she could kiss better. It wasn't a demon she could battle for her baby girl. It was a demon that JJ had to fight herself.

"This time next year...this will all be over. You are going to beat this horrible disease. You are going to be the strong, amazing, talented soccer player once more...it's just going to take patience and time," Sandy whispered tearfully.

"I hope so," JJ breathed, her eyes falling closed as she finally succumbed to the exhaustion that had been trying to pull her under since she got in the shower that morning.

As JJ's breathing slowed and deepened, Sandy held her tight, never wanting to let go.

She was _not _going to lose JJ. She'd lost Rosaline. They had all lost Rosaline.

They weren't going to lose their little star as well.


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: If I was naming the chapters, I'd name this one 'Crappy Days 101'.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage~ - Laozi_

* * *

**November 14, 1989**

Pouring a cup of coffee out for herself, Sandy sighed heavily as she set the jug back in the machine. Taking the cup in her hands, she leant back against the kitchen counter, blowing softly on the hot liquid to cool it slightly before taking a sip.

She knew JJ was awake; she'd heard her moving around in her bedroom as she passed the door on the way downstairs. She also knew that JJ hadn't been well at all recently and was probably by now huddled over the toilet in the bathroom. And as much as she wanted to go up there and sit with her sick baby girl and comfort her, JJ had insisted that she was ok many times before. And now, Sandy only went up if JJ called out for her.

The ringing of the phone brought her out of her thoughts.

Setting her cup down, Sandy reached across the counter, picking up the phone and pressing the button to answer the call.

"Jareau residence, Sandy speaking," she greeted, leaning back against the counter.

"_Hello Sandy, it's Elizabeth Moore from East Allegheny Elementary. I was calling regarding your daughter, Jennifer's attendance. Were you aware that she isn't at school today, and hasn't been at school since the eighth of September?"_

Sandy swallowed thickly. She thought she'd sorted this out with the principal. Obviously not well enough.

"Yes, I am aware, I have previously discussed this with Principal Keyleigh-"

"_Well, if your daughter is not going to attend school, may I suggest you terminate her enrolment? Sporadic or absence of attendance is never beneficial for the child, their peers, or their teachers-"_

"I don't know nor care whether you were made aware of my daughter's medical condition, but Jennifer was diagnosed with stage four brain cancer in September. She is nowhere near well enough to be able to attend school. I have already discussed this with Principal Keyleigh and made special arrangements for her education. I will NOT be going through this again, am I clear?"

There was a stunned silence on the other end of the line, and for a moment, Sandy wondered if she'd been too harsh. She quickly shook that thought away; no, she was advocating for her girl. If that took a little more force than usual, it was worth it.

"_I do apologise Mrs Jareau. I'll make sure to leave a note in her file to advise others of the situation, and I will speak to Principal Keyleigh"_

"Yes, you will," Sandy managed to say, before hanging up the phone and gripping the counter with white knuckles.

Tears were threatening to spill over. It was hard enough getting through each day, dealing with the reality of raising and caring for her cancer stricken child. The phone call from the school was just one of the many things she didn't need. It served as a reminder that JJ couldn't be a normal eleven year old kid. It served as a reminder that their life was difficult and uprooted.

Trying to pull herself together, Sandy took a few deep breaths, running a hand through her hair as she set the phone back in the cradle.

She reached out for her coffee cup, her fingers just closing around the handle when she heard JJ yell out, to the extent her throat would allow, from upstairs.

"Mom!" JJ croaked out, struggling to raise her voice loud enough.

"I'm coming!" Sandy called back immediately, not wanting JJ to strain her blistered throat any more than she had to.

Hurrying up the stairs, she headed straight for the bathroom, knowing that that was where she would find JJ. It took her all of ten seconds to get from the kitchen to the slightly ajar bathroom door.

Pushing the door open, Sandy found JJ slumped against the tiled wall beside the toilet, her face pale, her eyes droopy and tired, and one hand clutched to her throat.

"What's the matter?" Sandy asked softly, dropping to her knees and looking at her child with concern. "What's wrong?"

JJ grimaced. "I think I just threw up my tube," she croaked out, her voice struggling as though something was blocking her throat.

Sandy's eyes widened. "You what?" she asked in disbelief. "How on earth did you manage to do that?"

"I don't know," JJ replied. "Something's stuck in my throat"

"Open your mouth and stick your tongue out. There was a marking on the tube that Doctor Edmonds could see in the back of your throat. If that's moved, then we have to do something," Sandy said calmly. It surprised her how quickly she'd adjusted to the role of being almost a part time nurse for JJ. She only wished she could just be her mother.

JJ did as her mom told her, squeezing her eyes shut when she felt the pressure the two simple movements put on her throat.

Sandy sighed heavily, pressing her lips together as she leant back after inspecting JJ's throat. "Not only has the marking moved, some of the tube is coiled at the back of your throat. I don't even want to attempt to pull it out in case it gets caught. I have to take you to the hospital"

JJ's expression fell as tears welled in her eyes. "They always find something to make me stay"

Pulling her daughter into a quick hug, Sandy kissed the top of her head. "We'll fight for you to come home again, don't you worry"

* * *

A naso-jejunal tube had been the result of that day's trip to the hospital.

Dr Edmonds had managed to remove the NG tube without causing JJ too much pain, but had reluctantly informed her and her mother that he had decided an NJ tube was a much better option.

As JJ had been vomiting so frequently, she had lost more weight than she'd put on, and her nutrition was dropping near dangerously low due to the fact that none of her feeds stayed down. So instead of feeding her to her stomach, it would be better for JJ in the long run if she was fed through to her duodenum and intestines.

The tube had been inserted to her stomach first, and then after knocking JJ out with a mild anaesthetic, Dr Edmonds had fed the tube through to her duodenum under guided x-ray.

He hated putting them in kids. But he knew he had to do it to keep JJ as healthy as possible.

* * *

It had been a tense afternoon. Michael had picked up on it from the moment he stepped through the front door after work.

He had watched his wife closely all evening. She was stoic and calm, almost robotic as she went about fixing dinner for the three of them, making sure JJ had all of her medications, and even throughout the meal.

It was as they were getting into bed that night that the walls came tumbling down.

Michael had barely settled in beneath the covers when Sandy simply burst into tears. He was quick to pull her into his embrace, holding her as she cried, patiently waiting for her to explain what had her so upset. But if he was honest, he already had a pretty good idea.

When she managed to calm down a little, he pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead, brushing the blonde hair that had matched JJ's out of her piercing blue eyes.

"What's the matter love?" he asked softly, his voice barely above a whisper.

Sandy sniffed, clutching at her husband as she tried to keep her voice calm enough to speak.

"This. Everything. I don't how much longer I can do this," she said tearfully. "Every day, I watch Jen cry, vomit, develop radiation burns that weren't there yesterday, and move so painfully slowly, and it is tearing me apart inside, but I have to stay strong for her and I just don't think I can"

Looking up at her husband, her eyes welled with tears. "I keep thinking of Roz...we lost her because we weren't there for her. If I'm not strong enough for Jen, we might lose her too"

"Sandy...you and JJ are the two strongest people I know, and that is one of the reasons I love you both so very much. These bad days are going to get even worse, but somehow, we will all get through it. You are stronger than you think, and the thing that makes you so strong is the love you have for JJ, it's that mother's love that keeps you going"

Pressing a kiss to his wife's temple, Michael rubbed her back in slow circles. "We might've lost Rosie," he choked out, his eyes welling with tears of his own. "But she is always with us. And she is going to be that extra burst of strength JJ needs to see the end of this"

Sandy sniffed. "I feel like I'm doing more harm than good. I don't know how to do this...I mean, I try and do the best I can do for Jen, but I see all these other kids on 3B and their parents just seem to know exactly what to do in every situation, and here I am feeling helpless and panicking whenever something happens to Jen"

"Sandy," Michael said softly. "They all probably feel as helpless as you. Cancer is a horrible horrible disease, and no parent could ever be put together and not panic when their child is fighting it. I feel helpless having to watch my baby girl shrink and pale before me and know there is physically nothing I can do to help her. It makes me sick, and I'm terrified every day of what we're going to face. I'd bet my life savings that most of the other parents on 3B feel exactly the same"

"I don't know how to be a cancer mom," Sandy murmured, her tears mostly subsided.

"Sandy, all those other moms? The day before their child was diagnosed...neither did they"


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: Now I did my research, so I know the date for this is correct. I didn't just pull one out of my ass.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving~ - W.T. Purkiser_

* * *

**November 23, 1989**

Thanksgiving.

The one holiday JJ and James usually loved, if only for the incredible amount of food they could both get away with eating in one day. When she was alive, Rosaline had never been a big eater, and had been both disgusted and amused at the large helpings her little sister had shovelled down.

It was going to be a little different this year, but nonetheless, Sandy wanted to work hard to make it as normal and as enjoyable as possible.

Michael had taken JJ to the hospital for her round of radiation that morning. JJ had also been topped up on her chemo; Carboplatin, a milder drug that wasn't likely to make her as sick. In the meantime, Sandy and James had cooked up a storm of dishes for them to enjoy that evening.

James had enjoyed cooking with his mom. It was the happiest he'd seen her in a long time. He'd laughed with her as she danced around the kitchen, savouring the feeling of normality such a simple thing gave them.

He was holding onto the hope that next year would be better. JJ would be better.

He prayed for it every single night.

* * *

Setting a covered dish down on the table, Sandy looked up to see her husband entering the room. Smiling at him, she set the dish towel down, moving into his arms and resting her head against his chest.

"How did she go?" she asked softly, looking up into her husband's eyes.

"She went well. Her throat's really hurting though," Michael replied, pressing a kiss to his wife's temple. "Dr Edmonds is happy with how she's progressing"

"I hate seeing her so sick...but I know she has to be this sick to get better," Sandy said softly, lifting her arms up around his neck. "But today...let's try and keep today as normal as possible"

Michael smiled, giving his wife a quick kiss. "I'll try my hardest"

* * *

Sitting on the couch with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders, JJ watched sadly as her family sat around the table to eat their Thanksgiving meal.

Not only were they without Rosaline this year, JJ couldn't enjoy the meal with them.

Despite that, JJ felt a warm feeling in her heart. She hated being sick, and the thought that she _actually_ had cancer was a thought that scared her. But without her diagnosis, her family would've been too shattered from Rosaline's death to be able to come together for Thanksgiving and be appreciative of what they still had.

"Peanut, you wanna help me carve the turkey?" Michael called gently, holding a hand out to his little girl.

JJ shook her head, pulling the blanket around her tighter.

"I know you can't eat, Jaybird, but we still want you to join us. I want you to help me carve the turkey. I don't think I can do it by myself," Michael said lightly, a smile playing on the corner of his mouth.

JJ rolled her eyes, a soft smile crossing her face as she pulled herself up off the couch and dragged herself over to her dad. She stumbled slightly, almost losing her balance, and suddenly James was right by her side, supporting her as she took the last few steps to her father.

Michael moved so that JJ was between his arms, holding the knife in front of her and smiling when she wrapped her hand over his.

Moving carefully and slowly, he began to carve the first piece of meat from the turkey, JJ's thin little hand gripping his tightly.

"I could blend some up and put it down your tube Jaybird," he said with a laugh as he moved onto the second piece of meat.

James and JJ laughed while Sandy scowled at her husband, her face reading shock and amusement.

"Michael Steven Jareau, that's disgusting," she scolded, but her expression was softening as she watched JJ giggle at her father.

"What about cranberry sauce?" James suggested.

Michael put on a huge grin as he moved slightly to look down at JJ. "You want some cranberry sauce?"

JJ giggled hysterically, shaking her head at her dad as she let go of his hand and moved around the table into her mom's lap.

Sandy smiled at the antics of her family, wrapping her arms around JJ as JJ laid her head against her mom's shoulder.

"You ok?" she asked softly, just whispering it in JJ's ear as her husband and son laughed together.

"Yep," JJ replied, popping the p. "Just tired"

"I know. After we watch the parade, you can sleep. You could even sleep through the parade if you like?" Sandy suggested with a smile.

JJ shook her head. "I wanna see the parade"

Kissing JJ's temple, Sandy smiled lovingly as she tightened her hold on her daughter. "I know you do monkey"

As he finished carving enough meat to feed their little family, Michael noticed JJ looking longingly at the food they all knew would probably make her sick.

"Do you want to try and eat a little, Jaybird? I know your throat's sore, but maybe you want some mashed potatoes?" he said gently. "If you get sick later, it won't be so nasty"

JJ thought for a minute, looking over to her mom as though asking permission.

Sandy gave JJ a look that said '_it's up to you'_.

"If you want to try and eat Jen, you can. It's your choice," she said gently, squeezing JJ's hand and tightening her embrace slightly.

JJ remained silent, sliding out of her mom's embrace and moving into the adjacent chair. Reaching out, she pulled the plate her brother had brought out just in case closer to her.

Looking up, she smiled at her dad. "Can I have some potatoes, and a _little_ bit of turkey? Like a tiny bit," she asked sweetly, holding her thumb and forefinger slightly apart as she made her request.

Michael grinned, carving off a little bit of turkey as James scooped a spoonful of mashed potatoes onto JJ's plate. Pretty soon, the turkey joined it, and once everyone had helpings of food on their plate, they began to eat.

JJ ate tiny mouthfuls at a time; when she had the mash, she had a tiny pile perched right on the end of the fork. With the turkey, it was a few flakes of the meat at a time. She struggled a little bit with the fork, but managed on her own nonetheless. As slow as she was going, her parents were ecstatic to see her getting nutrition by mouth for what felt like the first time in months.

And just like that, their Thanksgiving got a whole lot better.

* * *

Pumpkin pie had been a straight up _no_ for JJ when it came time for dessert. She had never liked pumpkin before getting sick, but the thought of eating the dessert that she normally managed a tiny piece of was enough to make her want to throw up her dinner.

Instead, Michael had made her the hot chocolate she loved so much. She had sat at the table with them, drinking it slowly while her family ate their dessert.

Afterwards, they had moved to the lounge room, a sleepy JJ curling up in her dad's lap as they watched the Macy's Parade.

About halfway through the parade, Sandy looked over to see that JJ had fallen asleep in her dad's arms, her head tucked into the crook of his neck, her blanket wrapped around her shoulders.

She watched with a soft smile as Michael lovingly pressed a kiss to the top of his daughter's head, careful to avoid the radiation burn that had cropped up there just the week earlier.

JJ shifted, cuddling closer as her dad tightened his arms around her.

"Love you Jaybird," Michael whispered in her ear, barely loud enough for Sandy to hear. When his words reached her ears, she had to smile.

Moments like this would make the dark days seem few and far between.


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N: I connected to uni wifi, woo progress!**

****I don't know how many of you noticed that I spaced out and put the complete incorrect date at the top of this chapter. Nonetheless, I have amended it now, this story DOES flow chronologically except for when I pull really late nights and then write while sitting in a uni lecture.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~It is wise to direct your anger towards problems ...not people; to focus your energies on answers...not excuses~ - William Arthur Ward_

* * *

**November 28, 1989**

42 rounds of radiation down, 3 to go.

JJ was thrilled, and had actually made it through the first two days of the week with a smile, simply because she was so excited to be finished with radiation and have her central line closed. She was also excited to be able to try and go to school once she was feeling better.

Sandy was thrilled because it meant they had two months for JJ to recover, and enjoy some normalities of family life. She was looking forward to seeing some of the life return to her little girl's eyes, to see her regain some of the strength the radiation had made her lose.

Sitting beside JJ in the outpatient ward, Sandy had a tentative arm around her daughter's shoulders. The treatment had started to put JJ in more pain, and most days, it would hurt her to give her a hug.

The door opened and in came Dr Edmonds.

"Hi JJ. How did treatment go today?" he asked as he crossed the room.

"Good," JJ replied with a yawn. "I'm so tired"

"Yeah, that's pretty normal kiddo," Edmonds said apologetically. "Your mom told me while you were at radio that your throat's really hurting you, so I'm gonna take a quick look before I send you home, ok?"

JJ nodded, tipping her head slightly and opening her mouth as Dr Edmonds turned on his penlight and put a tongue depressor in her mouth.

Shining the light on the back of her throat, he quickly examined her mouth and throat to see if he could see why she was in so much pain. It took less than ten seconds for him to see the problem.

Turning the light off, he moved back, slipping it into his pocket as he threw the depressor in the wastebasket.

"JJ, your throat is _badly_ blistered. The outermost layer of flesh has started to harden and crack, which isn't unheard of with radio. Most kids don't get to that stage, but you're having a significantly higher amount of radiation than most. The cracked flesh may or may not peel away. If it does, it'll end up in your stomach, which is ok, your body will get rid of it, or you may cough it up. If it doesn't peel away and it continues to bother you, which it probably will, we'll have to do a small surgery where we remove the largest pieces. It would be just like having your tonsils removed. But for now, I'll change your pain medication and we'll just monitor you. It will probably go down a little over the break, so we'll wait and see, ok?"

JJ and Sandy nodded, JJ gently rubbing the front of her throat with her hand.

"JJ, have you ever vomited any blood, or been able to taste blood after you've vomited?" Edmonds asked.

JJ hesitated, glancing over at her mom before looking back to her oncologist and nodding slowly. "A little"

Sandy sighed, dropping her head to her hands.

"Ok, that's pretty consistent with radiation. However, if it ever seems like more than you'd expect, or there seems to be a lot, get your mom to bring you back and we'll check your throat out again," Edmonds replied.

"Can I go home now?" JJ croaked.

Edmonds nodded, a small smile crossing his face. "You sure can kiddo. I'll just write the script and then you can be on your way"

* * *

As she drove them back towards home, Sandy was gripping the steering wheel tightly. The revelation that JJ was not telling her everything that was going on had left her frustrated with her youngest child.

Stopping at the red light, Sandy took a deep breath. "Why didn't you tell me that you were vomiting blood?"

JJ barely moved, keeping her eyes fixed on her lap. "I didn't want you to worry"

"Jen, I need to worry-"

"No you don't!"

"Jennifer, you are incredibly sick-!"

"Goddamnit, I know I'm sick!" JJ yelled, the anger and force in her voice shocking her mom as she turned her head and snapped her eyes up. "I know I'm sick, I don't need you to remind me! I don't need you hovering over me all the time! Just because I have cancer doesn't mean I'm a cripple!"

Sandy winced at JJ's choice of words, gripping the wheel again as the light turned green and she pulled away.

The rest of the drive was silent, with JJ fuming in the passenger seat. Not a single word was spoken.

When Sandy pulled into the driveway, JJ practically threw the door open, getting out of the car as fast as she could manage. She determinedly walked up the driveway to the front door as Michael came out to greet them.

"Jaybird, how'd you go?" he asked, holding out a hand to his daughter to support her as Sandy got out off the car.

"Good. Can you take me to my room?" JJ replied, almost desperately.

"What's the matter peanut?" Michael asked gently, easily lifting JJ into his arms before turning to head inside.

"Nothing, just take me to my room please," JJ begged. Michael obliged, casting a glance over his shoulder at his forlorn wife before carrying their youngest into the house and up the stairs.

* * *

"Mom?"

At the sound of JJ calling out for her, Sandy sat her book down on the coffee table. She was surprised that JJ wanted to speak to her; after her outburst earlier, Sandy had got the impression that JJ's anger would last most of the day.

"Coming Jen!" she called back, pulling herself to her feet.

Walking out into the stairwell, she looked up the stairs, seeing JJ sitting on the top step.

"You ok?" she asked softly, slowly climbing the stairs.

"Yeah," JJ replied as her mother sat down beside her. "I wanted to say sorry"

Sandy sighed. "Jen, you don't have to-"

"Yes I do Mom. Being sick isn't an excuse to be mean to everyone. So I really am sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you," JJ cut in.

Sandy stayed silent for a moment, looking into JJ's blue eyes as she took her daughter's hand in her own. In the almost three months that had passed since JJ's diagnosis, she had seen immense changes in her little girl. JJ was stronger and more mature than ever, but had also realised how much she needed to depend on others.

"It won't happen again, will it?" Sandy finally asked.

JJ shook her head. "I'll try not to get mad, I promise"

Smiling, Sandy wrapped an arm around JJ's shoulders, kissing the top of her head. "I know you will"

* * *

Leaning against the kitchen counter with her arms folded across her chest, Sandy was watching her son with a curious expression. Something was different with him...

"Care to share what has you so enthralled?" Michael asked with a soft laugh as he sidled up beside his wife.

Sandy grinned, turning to look at her husband. "Something's up with James...and I'm almost certain I know what it is"

Michael raised an eyebrow. "Let me guess...he has a girlfriend"

Sandy looked surprised, her mouth falling open as she looked up at the man before her. "How did you know that was what I was thinking?"

Michael laughed. "Well, it's the only thing I can think of that would make him act different and that he would want to keep from us," he started. Wrapping his arms around Sandy's waist, he moved in close, his face mere millimetres from hers. "And I've been married to you for twenty two years"

Sandy laughed, kissing her husband lovingly as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "God I love you"

Michael smiled, holding Sandy close. "I love you too"

* * *

Changing the TV channel, James tried to ignore his parents in the other room. He knew they were watching him, and he knew they knew something was different. He was pretty sure they knew what it was, but he also knew that they would wait for him to come forward and say something.

Something _was _different.

He, James Mikhail Jareau, had a girlfriend.

He'd been on a few dates here and there before, but he had never decided to be in a relationship with someone. It was new ground for him, and because it was so new, he wanted to make sure it was solid before he went running to anyone with the news.

He really liked her. Katarina Lepecha, or simply Katie, was a beautiful young girl with a gorgeous personality to match. James enjoyed her company, and she enjoyed his.

He was sure she wasn't a judgemental type. But he was very wary of moving the relationship over new ground because that would mean explaining his family situation.

He most definitely wasn't ashamed.

More wary of how Katie would react.

He didn't want to cause JJ any more trouble than she already had to go through.


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N: Party time!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~Success is not final, failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts__~ -Winston Churchill_

* * *

**December 1, 1989**

Lying on the table beneath the radiation machine, JJ was exhausted, tired, and in pain, but the happiness soaring through her body could not be dulled by any of the other sensations.

It was her final radiation treatment. An exhausting stretch of forty five treatments that had given her horrible burns, the inability to swallow even water and almost chronic fatigue.

Somehow, she had made it to the end of that part of the journey. She knew the next two months weren't going to be normal, but she was looking forward to maybe managing a few days of school and having less frequent trips to the hospital.

"Nice and still JJ...you know the drill," Alison, the radiologist on duty that day, said gently. She had done JJ's treatment many times before and had taken a liking to the young girl.

Flashing JJ a warm grin, she flicked her long brown ponytail back over her shoulder before powering up the machine.

A few minutes passed for the radiation to JJ's head and neck. Alison then made quick work of getting JJ onto her stomach for the final piece of the treatment; the spinal radiation.

JJ couldn't fight back the smile that crossed her face when she finally heard the machine powering down after a few more minutes passed. She'd done it. The end of radio.

"Ok, up you get. You know what to expect, and I'm sure Doctor Edmonds will want to talk to you about finishing this treatment," Alison said warmly as she helped JJ up off the table. Keeping an arm around JJ's shoulders, she led her out into the hallway, where Sandy was waiting.

"I don't want to see you up in this room again, are we clear?" Alison teased. JJ giggled.

"Yes," she laughed, smiling as Alison gave her a quick hug.

"Go kick its butt kiddo. And come visit me," she said gently, giving JJ and her mom another smile.

Bidding their goodbyes and waving at Alison as she retreated back to the radiology office, JJ and Sandy made their way back to Ward 3B, JJ sitting in the wheelchair with a smile on her face.

"Mom, before we leave, can we go and see Gabby?" she asked as they reached the long hallway that ran the length of 3B.

"I think that can be arranged," Sandy said with a smile. "You know, I think your dad has something for you when you get home. Seeing as you handled radiation so well," she told JJ as they stopped at the ward desk to fill out some more paperwork.

JJ smiled, tipping her head back and closing her eyes as her mom leaned down to kiss her forehead.

"I'm so proud of you," Sandy murmured, cupping JJ's cheek in her hand and pressing one more quick kiss to her forehead before straightening up. "Love you so so much"

"Love you too," JJ said softly, her voice a little raspy as she lowered her head again.

* * *

After filling out papers and having a post treatment meeting with Dr Edmonds, Sandy wheeled JJ down the hall to the room Gabby was in for her stay.

Pushing the door open, Sandy smiled widely as Anna got up to greet them.

"Hi JJ!" Gabby said excitedly, despite her voice being weak and tired. Pushing herself up, she managed to swing her legs over the edge of the bed as Sandy brought JJ closer.

JJ beamed at her friend as she gripped her mom's arms to get out of the chair. With the help of both her mom and Anna, she managed to get up onto the bed beside Gabby, tugging at her beanie once she was.

"Are you having chemo?" JJ asked, her voice thick and raspy. She winced as she instinctively cleared her throat, grimacing and placing her hand against the front of her throat.

"Yeah. But I get to go home tomorrow. You finished radio today, didn't you?" Gabby replied. JJ nodded, smiling widely at Gabby.

"Oh JJ that's great!" Gabby exclaimed, giving JJ a warm hug. "Now you get to have a break, and then chemo, and then you're done!"

Looking back over her shoulder, Gabby beckoned someone over. For the first time, JJ realised Gabby wasn't alone in the room.

"JJ, this is Charlie," Gabby said as a girl, flaunting her baldness proudly, walked over to join them. She walked a lot better than both Gabby and JJ, which indicated to JJ that this girl had either only started treatment recently, or had a less aggressive type of cancer.

"Hi," Charlie said with a smile, climbing up beside Gabby. She looked to be a bit older than both girls, around fifteen. She looked pale and sickly, but her hazel eyes retained a stand out shine that made her seem healthier and full of life.

JJ smiled at the unfamiliar girl, slipping the sleeves of her sweater over her hands as she turned slightly so she could face Gabby and Charlie.

"What are you in for?" Charlie asked softly, her eyes staying on JJ as she spoke.

"Stage four medulloblastoma," JJ replied, reaching up to push her NJ tube over her ear to stop it from tugging on the tape, which it had been doing since she arrived that morning. "I just finished radiation this morning"

Charlie broke into a wide grin. "That's awesome. I've heard about medulloblastoma. I bet you're kicking its butt"

JJ and Gabby giggled, JJ leaning over a little so she was closer to both the girls.

"I have neuroblastoma. A brain tumor, like yours, but they can't take it out, so they're shrinking it with radiation and chemo. So far, so good," Charlie explained. "I'm assuming they took yours out?"

JJ nodded, turning her head and pointing at the long scar running up the back of her neck.

Charlie whistled. "Wicked scar. Wish I had one like that"

Gabby laughed. "Meanwhile, the only scar I have is where my central line is"

Standing on the other side of the room, Sandy and Anna watched the girls with smiles.

"Charlie's a bit older than JJ and Gabby. I think she said she was fifteen. She's been good to have around. Always positive," Anna explained.

"I think Jen could only benefit from being around Gabby and Charlie. These past couple of months have been really difficult for her. She's used to being able to run around and play, and go to school. She gets frustrated when she can't move as fast. We've had all out meltdowns more times than I can count," Sandy replied, sitting down at the end of Charlie's vacant bed.

Anna nodded. "The first few months are _really_ hard on kids. Coming to terms with the fact that you're not a normal kid, that you have _cancer_? It's difficult for all of them. Meltdowns are totally normal, Gabby had one just about every two days. From what I've seen, JJ's handled it reasonably well. She seems like a tough kid"

Sandy smiled, looking over at her daughter. "She is. One of those girls that has always been able to hang with the boys"

Anna laughed. "Gabby's thing was that she couldn't have a braid in her hair because all her hair had fallen out"

Standing up once more, Sandy smiled. "Well, I'd better get her home, or Michael will start thinking she was admitted for something"

Anna laughed, pulling Sandy into a hug. "I know that feeling. That impending sense of doom when the oncologist says 'Now just hold on a minute'"

Sandy laughed in agreement, pushing the wheelchair back over to the edge of Gabby's bed.

"Come on monkey. Time to go home," she said gently.

JJ nodded, smiling as she hugged Gabby. As she slid off the bed, Charlie got to her feet also, giving JJ a quick squeeze before Sandy helped her into the chair.

"I'll see you round," Charlie said with a grin, moving back to her bed.

JJ nodded, waving as her mom turned her around and they left the room.

As they went down the hallway towards the elevators, JJ let out a big yawn, curling up in the chair as her eyes began to drift closed.

"You tired my girl?" Sandy asked, pushing the button for the elevator.

"Yeah," JJ said softly.

Sandy reached down, her hand just brushing JJ's cheek before running over the top of her head. "Not long and we'll be home. Then you can rest"


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N: Oh sh** shake that ass move it like a gypsy stop woah back it up now let me see your hips SWING!**

**Don't mind me.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching...they are your family~ - Jim Butcher_

* * *

**December 3, 1989**

Twisting his fingers together, James took a deep breath as he approached his mother. She was leaning on the kitchen counter, skimming through the news paper while she sipped her coffee.

"Hey Mom," he said softly, leaning on the opposite edge of the counter.

Sandy looked up, smiling at her son as she closed the paper. "Hey. What's up?"

James sighed. "I guess I haven't been telling you and dad _everything_ lately. But I know you know something's up"

Sandy smirked. "Yes James, I know"

James managed to laugh at the look in his mother's eye. "Well, I wanted to let you know that I've started seeing someone...her name's Katie"

Sandy smiled widely. "I had a feeling you had a girlfriend. How long have you been together?"

"Almost eight weeks. Just...with JJ being sick and all, there was never a right time to tell you. And I wanted her to meet you guys, so I thought I should probably come clean," James explained. Sandy chuckled.

"I would love to meet her James. I'm sure your dad and JJ would love to as well," she said gently, placing her hand over her son's.

James looked up at his mom, his eyes filled with worry. "I probably shouldn't be worried...but I haven't told her much about everything that's going on...she doesn't know JJ's sick"

Sandy gave her son a comforting smile. "If she really cares about you James, she will understand. Just tell her. It can be confronting to meet a child with cancer, so it's better if you forewarn her. We all know Jen's a lovely kid, but people don't really know what it's like to live with cancer so it can be a bit of a shock"

James nodded. "I know. I'll tell her"

Sandy smiled, squeezing James' hand. "And you ask her if she would like to come over on Tuesday night"

"Who's coming over on Tuesday night?"

James jumped. "Jeez JJ, can you not creep up on people like that?"

JJ giggled, sidling up beside her brother and grinning at her mom. "Who's coming?"

"James' girlfriend," Sandy replied.

JJ's eyes nearly bugged out of her head. "You have a girlfriend?"

"I do actually," James replied smugly.

"Well, you ask her to come, and I promise I won't yak up my dinner," JJ replied with a nod of approval.

Sandy almost spat out her coffee as she started to laugh, having to lean over the sink for fear of spilling it all over the place. James simply dragged his hand down his face, but he couldn't fight off the smile that was spreading across his face.

God he loved his little sister.

* * *

**December 4, 1989**

James was deep in thought as he sat at the picnic bench beneath the large tree where he and Katie had taken to sitting when they had lunch together. He knew how he was going to explain to Katie what was going on in his home life, but he didn't know how to initiate the conversation.

"Hey you," came Katie's cheery voice. James turned, smiling as Katie slid her hand over his shoulder and dropped a kiss to his cheek before sitting down beside him.

"How was class?" James asked, unwrapping his bread roll as Katie fiddled with the brown paper bag she always had her lunch in.

Katie rolled her eyes, before giggling. "It was really boring. So Lily and I decided to play Hangman, and well...we had four games before we got caught"

James laughed, shaking his head at his girlfriend as he finally got his lunch free of the plastic wrap.

"So when I got here, you looked very deep in thought. Something up?" Katie asked, nibbling at the corner of her sandwich as she looked at James.

James raised an eyebrow. "Are all women able to read minds or something, because my mom did that to me recently as well"

Katie chuckled. "It's a gift. So come on. Spill"

James let out a heavy sigh, his fingers resting over the bread roll as he tried to find his words.

"So, my mom knows about us now. And she wants to know if you'd like to come over for dinner tomorrow night and meet my family," he started.

Katie's face lit up as she nodded, hastily swallowing the mouthful of sandwich she had been eating. "I'd love to!" she exclaimed excitedly. However, as soon as she spoke, she noticed that James still looked anxious.

"That's not all, is it?" she asked softly.

James shook his head. "I told you that my family is going through a really rough time...but I didn't tell you why"

Setting her lunch down, Katie reached out, placing her hand over James'.

"Right after school let out for summer, my older sister, Rosaline...she committed suicide," James said slowly, swallowing thickly as he tried to quell the emotion. He'd never talked about Rosaline out loud to anyone.

Katie let out a soft gasp, her big green eyes growing awfully bright. "James, I'm so sorry"

"My family is still hurting over that. It's hard, and we miss her...but we barely got a chance to come to terms with the fact that she was gone, and suddenly we had to let go of that and focus on my younger sister, JJ"

Katie frowned, obviously confused. "What happened?"

James turned towards her, letting out a half laugh that was evident of emotion, as though trying to keep the mood light. "JJ was diagnosed with brain cancer in September. The first Friday back, she was diagnosed with a tumor. A week later, we found out it was cancer"

Katie was visibly fighting back tears as she pulled James into a tight hug. "That's awful James...I don't even know what to say"

Pulling apart, James gave her a rueful smile. "It's ok...I just wanted you to know what was going on...I think it would've been a bit confronting for you to meet JJ without knowing she's sick. I mean...she's a great kid, and right now she's really happy and not as sick because she's finished the first part of her treatment...but she's visibly really unwell"

Katie nodded. "I can understand that to some degree I guess. I'm glad you told me"

James smiled, taking Katie's hand. "You still want to come over right?"

Katie chuckled. "James, I would love to meet your family. All hardships aside, your parents sound lovely from what you've told me, and I bet your sister is an amazing kid"

James grinned. "She is. She'll give you a laugh, I can guarantee it"

"Then I'll be there tomorrow night," Katie said with a small laugh, turning back to her lunch.

James smiled, feeling as though a weight was lifted off his chest. He hadn't expected Katie to react badly at all...but he certainly felt a lot better having told her everything that was going on.


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N: Nice long one for you.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~Destiny within chaos. It was the definition of our love~ - Shannon. A. Thompson_

* * *

**December 5, 1989**

Setting his coffee cup down in the sink, Michael turned and walked out of the kitchen, his footsteps the only sound he could hear.

With James at school, and Sandy running errands, the house was quiet. JJ was upstairs; whether she was resting or doing something else, Michael didn't know.

As he walked into the foyer, his eyes landed on a framed photo sitting on the hall table. It had been taken about two years earlier, on their summer vacation to California. Rosaline was standing beside her mother, her smile warm and genuine. JJ looked healthy and radiant, her long blonde hair blowing in the breeze.

It was eerie to think that back then, none of them knew how difficult life would get.

Slowly climbing the stairs, he tried to stay quiet in case JJ was sleeping. She'd been so tired from radiation; he didn't want to wake her up if she was.

Reaching her bedroom door, he looked around the frame. A smile crossed his face when he saw JJ curled up in her bed reading a book. Mr Moses was tucked under her arm, a blanket draped over her shoulders.

"Hey peanut. What are you reading?" Michael asked softly, entering the room and heading over to JJ's bed, where he sat down beside her.

"One of James' books that he gave me. It's kinda boring," JJ replied, closing the book and setting it down on top of the bed as she shifted so she could rest her head on her dad's shoulder.

"You tired?" Michael asked, kissing the top of JJ's head. She had taken to not wearing a beanie around the house unless someone was over, and Sandy and Michael were pleased that she was starting to be a little more confident, even if it was only around her family.

"A little bit. I'm always tired though," JJ replied quietly, punctuating her sentence with a yawn.

"When you reach the end of this, you'll start to feel somewhat better. I'm sure we'll see you out on the soccer field by the end of next year," Michael said warmly, smiling down at his little girl.

"I don't know...," JJ mumbled.

"What's the matter little one?" Michael asked, sensing the apprehension in her voice.

"I feel so sick all the time," JJ sighed, cuddling closer to her dad. "It just feels like I'm never going to get better. Like...there's nothing out there for me because my life right now is cancer"

Pulling her close, Michael kissed the top of JJ's head once more. "There's so much out there for you...you'll have your whole life ahead of you to experience amazing things"

JJ looked up at her dad, cocking an eyebrow at him. "If you ever let me out of the house"

Michael laughed. "Jaybird...I know you're my little baby girl. And for that reason, I have always wanted to keep you locked away once you got older, and fend off all the boys who wanted to get near you with a big stick," he started, making JJ giggle. "But since you've been sick, I've realised just how much I actually want you to grow up and experience all the amazing things there are to experience in this world. I want you to experience your first kiss, and your first love, even though I've always wanted you to stay little forever. I want to walk you down the aisle and give you away to the man of your dreams, and I want you to have an amazing life and get everything you've ever wanted out of it. These past few months...I've been scared that you won't get to have all of that...but I see you staying strong every day...you're fighting so hard, and every day, I get more and more hopeful that someday, you'll fall in love and get married, you'll get to travel the world and have everything you've ever dreamed of. I know for you it feels hopeless...but I want you to think about the incredible things waiting for you in the future, and look at how strong you've been so far. I want you to keep going. I may not be able to hold onto you forever, but right now, I will. I'll hold you and help you and be there for you while you fight this"

JJ's eyes were bright with tears when Michael finished speaking. She couldn't find the words to describe how she felt about what her dad had just said to her.

The tears started to fall as she buried her face in her dad's shoulder, her body shaking with sobs.

"Don't cry peanut, don't cry," Michael said softly, rubbing her back gently as he held her.

"I love you Dad," JJ said tearfully, her voice a little muffled.

Michael smiled, pressing a kiss to her temple. "I love you too Jaybird, I really do"

* * *

Slipping his jacket off, James beckoned Katie inside, closing the door behind them as he did. It had started snowing, and as the snow fell, so did the temperature.

"It's so cold out there," Katie gasped, rubbing her hands together as she looked up at James. "So cold"

James chuckled. "It is pretty chilly, hey? Let me take your jacket so it can dry out"

"James, is that you?" Sandy called. Her footsteps approached the foyer as James hung up his and Katie's jackets. Moments later, she entered the small room, smiling warmly at her son and the pretty young girl standing beside him.

"You must be Katie," she said, her voice welcoming and soft. "I'm James' mom"

"I am," Katie replied with a smile. "It's so nice to meet you Mrs Jareau"

Sandy grinned. "Sandy is fine hon"

Beckoning for them to follow, she led them into the kitchen. "Come in here where it's warmer. I'll get you something to eat while you thaw out"

James and Katie laughed, sliding onto the counter stools as Sandy pulled the cookie jar, the milk, and the hot chocolate powder from their respective storage places.

"James, your dad went out to run some errands for work, he'll be back soon. And Jen is hanging around here somewhere, although I haven't got a clue what she's doing," Sandy explained, setting the cookie jar down in front of the two teenagers. "You help yourselves. I'm going to check on Jen"

Leaving her son and his girlfriend at the counter, Sandy quickly made her way upstairs. It was never hard to find JJ these days; she was either on the couch, in the bathroom, or in her bedroom.

Poking her head around the frame, she found JJ sitting on the floor in front of the full length mirror, tugging frustratedly at her beanie, scowling at her reflection.

JJ had started having steroids during the last week of radiation to help fight the inflammation in her throat caused by the treatment. It was also to help boost her appetite, and so far, that was all it was achieving.

A downside to the steroids was that they made JJ slightly puffy. Her cheeks looked a little chubbier, and her joints had swollen. The swelling was only mild, as it was early stages of steroid treatment, but it was enough to make JJ even more tightly wound than usual.

"What's the problem?" Sandy asked.

"My head is too fat! It won't sit right," JJ grumbled, giving up on pulling at the head covering and instead slumping in front of the mirror, her lower lip protruding in an impressive pout.

Smiling slightly, Sandy crossed the room, swiftly pulling the beanie off of her daughter's head and stretching it slightly between her hands. Within moments, she had it back on JJ's head, sitting comfortably.

"There you go. Where would you be without me?" she teased as she helped JJ to her feet.

"Completely lost," JJ replied with a little giggle. Sandy had an inward sigh of relief; meltdown narrowly averted.

Sandy patiently helped JJ down the stairs, ignoring the death grip JJ had on her arm as she descended the stairs step by step. Once they reached the bottom, JJ let go, determined to make her own way into the kitchen. Sandy stayed right by her side in case she stumbled or lost her balance.

"Hey JJ. How was your day?" James asked as he spotted his sister coming into the room.

"It was ok," JJ said softly, her voice soft and hoarse. She was watching Katie curiously. She figured this was the girl James had been talking about the other day.

"JJ, this is Katie. Katie, this is my sister, JJ," James introduced, gesturing between the two as he spoke.

Katie smiled, giving JJ a little wave. "Hi JJ. It's nice to meet you"

"Nice to meet you too," JJ replied with a small smile. Katie seemed nice, but until JJ knew her a little better, she would feel like she was being sized up. It was a feeling she just couldn't shake around new people.

"Want a cookie Jayje?" James asked as Sandy moved back behind the counter, holding the tub out to his sister.

JJ shook her head, bringing her left hand up and lightly scratching her cheek, subtly tapping the NJ tube twice with the tip of her finger as she lowered it again. It was more than just a subconscious reaction; it had become JJ's way of saying that she didn't think she could keep food down whenever she was in the presence of someone other than her family.

Moving over beside her brother, JJ gratefully gripped the arm he held out to her as she got up on the remaining counter stool.

Katie watched the way JJ moved, and immediately felt her heart break for the younger girl. She knew cancer was an awful disease, but she had never seen firsthand what it did to people who had it.

After enjoying a mug of hot chocolate each, with the exception of JJ, James led Katie into the front lounge room, where they could enjoy each other's company in relative peace.

"Your mom's really nice," Katie said with a smile as they sat down on the couch. "I really like her. Your sister too"

James grinned. "JJ didn't even say that much"

Katie laughed, leaning into James' side as he put his arm around her. "I know...but she seems like a sweet kid"

James suddenly sat forward, turning to look at Katie as he lifted his arm from her shoulders. "Do you want to see some pictures of her? From before she got sick?"

Katie nodded.

James grinned as he got up off the couch. "I think there's even baby pictures of me, just to sweeten the deal"

Katie burst out laughing. "Oh now you HAVE to show me!"

Crossing the room, James knelt down in front of the wall unit and opened one of the cupboards. Retrieving a thick photo album, he carried it back over to Katie.

It was apparent when James opened the book that it hadn't been opened for a while; the protective layers of plastic peeled apart as the spine cracked loudly.

The first few photos were of James and Rosaline when they were very small. Rosaline had only been a toddler when James came along.

Katie smiled at the sight of her boyfriend and his older sister. Leaning into him, she took his hand and squeezed it tightly, knowing it would still be hard for him to talk about Rosaline.

After about five pages of Katie cooing over James as a baby, baby JJ started to appear in the photos.

"Always a protective big brother," Katie said softly, pointing to a photo of five year old James holding a tiny baby JJ.

"You bet," James replied with a grin, flipping further through the book to find more recent pictures of JJ.

He finally came across one that had been taken about two months before Rosaline died. JJ was standing with their parents, wearing her soccer uniform and proudly holding a trophy. She was smiling widely, her hair pulled up in a messy ponytail.

Katie let out a soft gasp. It stunned her how different JJ looked now. Not only the lack of hair, but her pale skin, her weakened frame, and the way her clothes hung on her...it was like looking at a totally different child.

"Oh wow...she looks so different," she said softly. James nodded, turning the page to see more photos of himself and JJ with Rosaline.

Katie laid her head on James' shoulder as he slowly turned the pages of the album, taking in all the photos. With each photo she saw, it was becoming more and more apparent just how much the little family was going through.

"What type of cancer does JJ have?" she asked softly.

James looked up from the pages of glossy photos, turning his head to look at his girlfriend. "Stage 4 medulloblastoma. It grows on the brain stem. That's why JJ doesn't walk too well at the moment"

Katie's eyes widened. "Oh wow. How treatable is it? Unless you don't want to talk about it-"

"No, it's ok," James cut in. "Mom said it's aggressive and malignant, but they got the entire tumor out in the surgery and they caught it before it could spread. That paired with how fit JJ was when she was diagnosed means she has a really good chance of beating it"

Katie smiled. "I could tell by looking at her that she's a tough kid"

James grinned.

"You have no idea"

* * *

Michael had taken an instant liking to the young girl his son was dating from the moment they were introduced. He could tell she had a good head on her shoulders, and that was enough for him.

"So Katie," Michael started as the five of them sat down to a meal that Sandy had agonised over almost all day. "Lepecha is a Russian name, if I'm correct?"

Katie smiled, nodding. "My dad comes from a Russian family"

"So what do your parents do, Katie?" Sandy asked warmly as she spooned some gravy over her meat.

Taking the dish off potatoes James was passing to her, Katie speared a few and put them on her plate. "My dad is in international affairs for a shipping company. And my mom is a dental nurse"

"Two very different jobs," Michael chuckled.

Katie grinned. "Yeah, they are"

JJ sat forward, leaning on the edge of the table. "Do you have different food and stuff?"

Katie smiled, nodding at the younger girl. "Sometimes. Most days, we're just like any other family. But we celebrate our holidays a little differently. Christmas is always fun"

"What do you do for Christmas?" JJ asked, her voice getting a little stronger as she slowly grew more comfortable around Katie.

"Well, we celebrate it after New Year's. And we have lots of Russian food, and music and dancing. My family is very big, so there's always lots of kids running around. My uncle usually does something silly to entertain the kids"

JJ giggled. "Like what?"

Katie smiled. "This year, we were all in a big room at my aunt's house. The little kids were sitting on the floor playing with their new toys. My uncle got up from his chair, and he turned on the cassette player and played a silly Russian song called '_Smuglyanka Moldavanka_'. And he started dancing and singing along. And he was singing funny too, like _tam smuglyanka-moldavanka, sobirala vinograd,_" she explained, imitating her uncle's deep voice.

JJ and James laughed, as did their parents.

"He sounds funny," JJ giggled.

"He is, he really is," Katie agreed with a smile.

Sandy smiled across the table at Michael. Anyone who could make JJ smile, laugh, and take a genuine interest in something, as well as make their son happy, was welcome in their home any time.

* * *

Walking Katie to the front door, James smiled softly at his girlfriend.

"Tonight was really nice. My parents really like you. So does JJ," he said happily.

Squeezing James' hand, Katie smiled back. "The feeling is mutual. Your parents are so welcoming. And your sister is a great kid"

A gentle smile spread across James' face as he took her other hand so he was holding both. Looking into her eyes, he saw happiness and warmth. It was then he knew the time was right.

Slowly, they both leaned in, their lips brushing against each other's in a gentle first kiss.

The kiss was brief, but it was enough. As they pulled apart, the smiles on their faces clearly showed how they felt. Their hearts were pounding, which James put down to nerves, but neither of them could have been happier.

Opening the front door, Katie stepped out onto the porch. "I'll see you tomorrow"

Waving at her as she started to walk to her dad's car, James called after her. "See you"

He stayed there until her father had pulled away and driven off into the night.

Closing the door behind him, James made his way up the stairs, in a daze as he went to his room and fell onto his bed.

He'd kissed Katie. She had kissed him.

He was one happy guy.


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N: I should be doing a uni assignment. But I'm not.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~Life is an awful, ugly place to not have a best friend~ - Sarah Dessen_

* * *

**December 9, 1989**

Seated in the passenger seat while her mother was driving, Sophia could barely contain her excitement.

"Sophia, stop fidgeting!" Nicole laughed. "We'll be there in a minute"

"I'm so excited Mom. I haven't seen JJ since we saw her in the hospital after her surgery. I really miss her!" Sophia replied, the smile spreading across her face as she fidgeted excitedly in her seat.

Nicole chuckled at her daughter's exuberance. "I know," she said softly. "But there is something I've been meaning to talk to you about"

"What?" Sophia asked.

"Well, you know JJ's very sick," Nicole started.

Sophia nodded. "Yeah. She has meda...medo...she has cancer"

"She does. And she's going to look very different to when you last saw her. I spoke to Sandy on the phone a few days ago, and she told me that all of JJ's hair has fallen out. She's lost a lot of weight, and has a tube in her nose because she can't eat. I don't want you to treat her differently, ok?"

Sophia looked up at her mom. "Mom, I knew that JJ's hair would fall out. I know she's really sick...but I wouldn't treat her differently. She's still JJ. She's still my best friend"

Nicole smiled. Sophia's words made her feel a little better. Since the day had been planned, she had worried about how Sophia would react upon seeing JJ for the first time since September.

"Are we nearly there?" Sophia asked, drawing her mom out of her thoughts.

Nicole grinned. "Almost there"

* * *

When Sandy opened the front door to find Nicole and Sophia standing on the doorstep, her smile was infectious. She had missed the company of the other woman, just like JJ had missed the company of Sophia.

"Nic, it's so good to see you!" she said happily, accepting the hug that Nicole pulled her into.

"We have missed you guys so much," Nicole replied warmly, smiling at her friend as she pulled away.

Turning to Sophia, Sandy gave her a quick hug, happy to see the young girl she had always referred to as her third daughter.

"JJ's in the lounge room Soph. She's so excited to see you," she said warmly, watching with a grin as Sophia ran off towards the back of the house.

Nicole laughed, her happiness showing as Sandy put an arm around her shoulders and led her inside to the kitchen. The two women had been friends since JJ and Sophia met at the age of three. It had been eight years of leaning on each other when times got tough, and simply enjoying each other's company. Two things that Sandy was going to call on heavily throughout the next few months of their lives.

"Coffee?" Sandy asked as they reached the kitchen.

"Of course!" Nicole laughed, sitting on the first counter school as Sandy turned on the kettle.

In the lounge room, JJ looked up upon hearing someone enter the room. Seeing her best friend approaching her, her face lit up.

"Soph!" she cried happily, pulling herself up off the couch and going over to Sophia as fast as she could manage.

Sophia laughed, wrapping her arms around JJ as JJ hugged her. Her mom had been right; JJ looked _very_ different...but Sophia had known all along that that wouldn't change who JJ was. While her friend's appearance surprised her, she wasn't shocked.

"I've missed you. Is Mr Hollister still mean?" JJ asked. Sophia laughed, following JJ back to the couch and sitting down beside her.

"No, he's not so bad. He usually asks me how you are, because he knows your mom tells my mom what's going on," she replied. "Speaking of which, how are you?"

"I'm good. I still feel really tired but I'm starting to feel better," JJ said with a smile.

"You're all burned," Sophia said softly, looking at the large red marks spreading up the side of JJ's neck. JJ nodded.

"They'll fade. I have one in my throat too!" she said proudly, opening her mouth and sticking her tongue out, which made Sophia giggle.

"Oh JJ," she laughed, shaking her her at her friend's antics. "So what do you wanna do today?"

JJ tapped her chin, her expression twisting into a frown as she tilted her head and thought about Sophia's question.

Looking back at her friend, the glint in her eye was one of mischief. "Wanna dress up?"

* * *

Listening to muffled thumps and laughter from upstairs, Sandy rolled her eyes. "I don't think anything could stop those two from being little rascals"

Nicole laughed. "Absolutely. JJ seems very perky today"

Sandy nodded, a smile spreading across her face as she thought about how happy her daughter was that day. "She was so excited to see Sophia. Seeing her best friend came above all the pain and tiredness she's been experiencing lately"

Upstairs, JJ grabbed a pillow from her bed, holding it up above her head. "I'm so strong! I can hold not one...," she trailed off, grabbing another pillow. "But TWO pillows!"

Sophia burst out laughing, feigning shock as she fell onto JJ's bed. "Oh Strong JJ, save me!"

JJ laughed, dropping the pillows and falling beside Sophia. "Saved"

The two girls laughed hysterically as they lay beside each other on JJ's bed. In those moments, JJ wasn't sick. She was just JJ. Sophia's best friend.

* * *

Walking into the lounge room, Sandy and Nicole found their daughters on the couch, _The Little Mermaid _playing on the TV.

"She's asleep," Sophia said quickly, her voice hushed as she turned to face the two women. JJ was slumped against Sophia, her head resting on her shoulder

Sandy smiled at the image of JJ asleep on her friend's shoulder. A day of playing around with Sophia had definitely worn her little one out.

"I can wake her and take her upstairs," Sandy offered.

Sophia shook her head. "It's ok. Don't wake her up, she's fine," she insisted. "I think she was really tired"

Nicole leaned down, kissing the top of her daughter's head.

"You're a good friend Soph"


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N: The end of this chapter may seem a bit cut off, but this one goes straight into the next chapter, so bear with me folks.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it! – J.K. Rowling_

* * *

**December 14, 1989**

Setting a cup of coffee down in front of her husband, Sandy slid into the seat beside him, both of them watching as JJ lazily flicked through the TV channels.

"Have you noticed anything about Jen in the past few days?" she asked softly, clutching her own cup between her hands.

Michael turned to look at his wife, nodding sadly. "Her walking is getting worse"

Sandy nodded. "So are her hands. Edmonds says she'll probably end up being in the wheelchair most of the time until she has a chance to get stronger"

Michael sighed. "I hate what this disease is doing to our baby. It's not fair. She should be running around and playing with her friends...not losing the ability to walk"

* * *

"JJ, I've been home for half an hour and you're already driving me crazy, could you _stop sniffing_!" James exclaimed, groaning loudly as he fell back onto the couch.

"I can't help it James!" JJ replied, punctuating the end of her sentence with a sniff.

Michael walked over, holding a tissue out to his youngest child. While she blew her nose, he pressed his hand to her forehead, feeling for a temperature.

"Dad?" JJ asked. "Dad, what are you doing?"

"Checking if you're feverish peanut, if you have a cold or the flu, then you'll have to go to the hospital, and I just want to make sure-"

He was cut off by the sound of his wife laughing.

"She won't have a fever Mike. It's the chemo," Sandy explained. "It made all her nose hairs fall out"

JJ giggled. "Yeah Dad"

Michael grinned. "Alright then," he chuckled, kissing the top of his daughter's head. "Cheeky monkey"

JJ grinned up at her dad, flopping back on the couch as James changed the TV channel.

* * *

Eyes fluttering open, Sandy groaned as she realised she was awake during the late hours of the night. Hadn't she just fallen asleep?

Glancing at her clock, she saw it was just past 11. She and Michael had gone to bed at 10, after making sure James wasn't up too late and JJ was settled.

Wondering what had woken her, she turned onto her side, trying to get more comfortable so she could go back to sleep.

Just as she started to doze off again, the sound of her daughter's cries reached her ears.

Flinging the covers back, Sandy was sure she'd never gotten out of bed faster. Throwing the bedroom door open, she ran across the landing to JJ's room, pushing on the door and turning on the lamp on JJ's desk. The first thing she noticed was the smell of vomit.

"Oh god, Jen," she gasped, moving quickly over to JJ's bed. JJ was curled up in the middle, her tiny hands clutching her stomach, tears streaking her pale face. It was clear that she was in agonising pain.

It was obvious to Sandy that JJ was in too much pain to move and had been for some time. The vomit on the sheets and the floor was enough to tell her.

"Jen, what hurts?" Sandy asked urgently.

"My stomach," JJ sobbed. "It hurts Mommy"

"Ok, hold on, I need to wake your dad because I can't lift you. I'll be right back," Sandy replied quickly, turning around and leaving the room swiftly, turning on the overhead light as she did.

Practically running back into the master bedroom, she made her way to Michael's side of the bed and shook him awake.

"Wha?" Michael slurred, rubbing his eyes as his wife pulled him from his dreams.

"Michael, get up. Jen's in serious pain, she's been sick everywhere, I need to get her to the hospital"

Realising that JJ was the reason Sandy was awake, Michael shot out of bed, following his wife across the landing to his baby girl's bedroom.

Seeing the state JJ was in, his heart sank.

"Hey peanut, it's ok. Mom's gonna take you to the hospital, ok? Doctor Edmonds will surely find out what's going on," he said softly, keeping his voice even as he moved to the other side of the bed and quickly disconnected JJ's central line from her medication. Removing the feed pump from the stand, he settled it between JJ's hands and scooped her up carefully from behind.

"It really hurts Daddy," JJ sobbed, hiccupping as she tried to draw in air.

Sandy, who had disappeared just after waking Michael up, returned to the landing, fully dressed with her keys in her hand.

"I'm waking James, I need someone to sit with her in the car and I really don't want to leave him to clean up her room," she explained, going into her son's room as she called over her shoulder.

"Ok," Michael called back, quickly descending the stairs and heading for the front door.

It didn't take him long to get JJ in the car, wrapped in a blanket with her pump and a pile of cardboard emesis bowls in her lap. By the time she was strapped in, Sandy and James had come racing out, jumping into their seats.

"I'll call when we know what's wrong," Sandy said hastily as she started the car.

"Just get her admitted and her pain under control," Michael replied, leaning through the window and kissing his wife's cheek before heading back into the warm as the three of them took off towards the hospital.

* * *

JJ had thrown up not once, not twice, but six times on the half hour journey from their home to the hospital. James had barely been hanging on, his dinner threatening to make a return trip every time JJ vomited, but despite the green tinge to his cheeks, he had remained resilient for his little sister.

Going in through emergency, JJ had immediately been admitted to Ward 3B.

Dr Edmonds wasn't on shift, but he was on call. And so Sandy waited anxiously in the hallway for her daughter's oncologist to arrive at the hospital, while JJ slept in a haze of painkillers and antiemetic medication, under the watchful eye of her big brother.

Sitting in the hallway with her hands clasped under her chin, Sandy felt like she was way in over her head. She hoped the pain was just a simple side effect of the chemo and radiation, and not a calling card for something more serious.

"Mom, she's vomiting again," James' voice called to her.

Looking to her right, Sandy saw her son leaning out of the doorway to JJ's room. Getting up out of her chair, she followed him into the room, her heart sinking when she saw her eleven year old huddled over an emesis basin, throwing up the remaining contents of her stomach.

How she had anything left in there to vomit up was beyond Sandy.

"Stomach still hurting?" Sandy asked gently, sliding up beside JJ and putting her arm around her thin shoulders.

"Yeah," JJ croaked, wiping her mouth as James took away the basin to rinse it in the sink.

Leaning into her mom's side, she clutched her stomach, wishing that Dr Edmonds would hurry up and get there so he could find out what was wrong.

* * *

It was nearly an hour later by the time Edmonds finally arrived. He looked like Sandy expected him to; tired, weary, and having just been dragged out of bed.

"So Stephanie tells me you're having stomach pains and a fair amount of vomiting," he said softly as he reached JJ's bed after greeting them.

JJ nodded, opening her mouth to allow him to put the thermometer under her tongue.

"You don't feel like you have a fever, but it never hurts to check. When did the pain start JJ?" he asked gently, pressing his stethoscope to her chest.

JJ twisted her hand from side to side, and then held up two fingers, quickly lifting a third.

"Two to three hours ago?" Edmonds clarified, quickly getting a nod. "What's your pain score?"

JJ held up eight fingers.

"See that's way too high for me. Anything above a five or six and I'm admitting you until we can get it under control," Edmonds replied sadly. "And I'm sorry I have to do that"

JJ heaved a sigh as he removed the thermometer from her mouth. "I hate it here"

"I know kiddo, I'm sorry," Edmonds replied, nodding when he checked the temperature on the thermometer. "Temp's normal. I'll take some blood, see if any counts look out of the ordinary. You were due for counts on Saturday anyway. In the meantime, we'll get some stronger painkillers on board, see if we can drop the eight to a seven"

JJ was barely able to nod her agreement when a wave of crippling pain ripped through her stomach, forcing her to grab the basin from James' hands and be violently sick into it.


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N: This chapter has a bit of a chilling end.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present~ - Bil Keane_

* * *

**December 15, 1989**

The floor was silent except for the beeping of IV pumps and the occasional rattle of a trolley or gurney going down the hall.

Sandy slept uncomfortably in the recliner, her cheek pressed against the palm of her hand, her arm propped up on the armrest of the chair. Despite having complained on countless occasions about how uncomfortable the recliners were, when she got exhausted enough, she could easily sleep in them.

James was curled up at the foot of JJ's bed, sleeping soundly in the visibly uncomfortable position as only a teenage boy could do. One of JJ's blankets was draped over his sleeping form

JJ was finally asleep, having stopped vomiting not long after Dr Edmonds saw her. Her painkillers had been upped, bringing her pain score down by one, and she had passed out from exhaustion about an hour later.

After checking JJ's counts, Edmonds had found that her white cell count was too low, and had administered a drug called granulocyte colony stimulating factor, or GCSF, to help stimulate her bone marrow into producing white cells and stem cells. He had explained that they would help to fight the inflammation and side effects of radiation, as well as provide a barrier against possible infections.

With fluids and medication flowing through her central line, JJ seemed to be in a better condition, at least for the time being.

* * *

"How's your pain score now?" Dr Edmonds asked, setting his clipboard down as he checked the levels on JJ's IV fluids.

"My stomach feels a lot better. Feels like a five," JJ replied, rubbing her eyes as she yawned widely.

Edmonds raised an eyebrow. "Really?" he clarified, knowing JJ had started a habit of talking her way into being discharged.

JJ nodded. "Yeah. What was making it hurt?"

"We couldn't find anything serious in your test results, so at the moment we can only attribute it to inflammation from radiation and a side effect of chemo. We'll do a few more small tests today just to make sure it's not a sign of something nefarious, but we're confident it's a common side effect of your treatment. The vomiting was a pain response, so that's nothing to worry about"

Sandy shifted closer to her daughter, running a hand through her hair as James cycled through the hospital TV channels.

"I'm going to check your counts again and see if the drug has done anything for your white cells," Edmonds explained, taking a syringe from the drug box as JJ lifted her central line from under her shirt; a shirt that only six months earlier had fitted her perfectly. It now hung limply against her tiny frame.

Leaning forward so Edmonds could reach the lumens with ease, JJ winced sharply.

"Something else hurting JJ?" Edmonds asked gently, placing his hand against JJ's upper back as he looked at her with concern.

"My back...it's not too bad but it's sore," JJ said softly, looking up into her doctor's eyes.

"Ok, well I'll have a look at your counts and see what's going on. It might have something to do with the GCSF. If not, we'll get a CT," Edmonds replied, slipping the syringe into the first lumen and carefully drawing up some blood.

Capping the syringe and placing it in the tray for the lap, he smiled at his patient. "I'll be back in a while with your counts, ok?"

Nodding, JJ settled back against her pillows, the top of her head tucking neatly below her mom's chin.

"We're somewhat on the mend, hey?" Sandy asked, pressing a kiss to the top of JJ's head. The burns were only just starting to fade, and the pain was weakening, something which Sandy was grateful for.

"Yeah," JJ sighed, closing her eyes as she leaned back against her mom, her exhausted body dragging her back to the land of dreams.

* * *

The counts had revealed that the back pain was no longer a mystery; the GCSF drug had been too high a dose for JJ, and had over stimulated her marrow, causing her counts to go from 0.57 to 4000 overnight, far exceeding the desired level of 1.50.

Stopping the GCSF was a solution to allow JJ's levels to drop back to normal. Her pain still being an issue, Edmonds had ordered a fentanyl infusion and a ketamine patch, but well into the night, JJ was still in too much discomfort to sleep.

The room was quiet except for the steady beep of her IV pump. She missed the sound of her brother snoring, replaced only by the soft sounds of her mother breathing as she slept in the recliner.

Her thin little hand was held in the comforting grasp of her mom's, making JJ feel a little less alone in the quiet hospital room.

But she couldn't sleep. And therefore she wanted someone to be awake with her.

"Mom," she whispered, gently tugging on her mom's hand. "Mom"

Sandy groaned, rubbing her eyes with her free hand as she sat up a little straighter. "What is it Jen? You ok?"

"Yeah, I'm ok," JJ replied softly. "I can't sleep"

Sitting forward, Sandy let go of JJ's hand, folding her arms on the edge of JJ's mattress and resting her chin on top of them.

"Yeah? What's keeping you up, monkey?" she asked softly, a smile crossing her face.

"I hurt a little, but I'm ok. Just not good to sleep," JJ murmured, her fingers seeking out her mom's wedding ring and absently playing with it as she spoke.

"Is there anything bothering you?" Sandy pressed gently. "Other than the pain or the sickness"

JJ's blue eyes darted up to meet her mother's matching set. The sheer surprise in her expression told her mom everything.

"I guess...but how did you know?" she asked quietly.

Sandy grinned. "Moms know everything. Don't ever try lying to me"

JJ giggled, her fingers still holding the golden band of her mother's ring. "Promise I won't"

"So what's going on in that head of yours?" Sandy asked.

JJ patted the bed, shuffling back. "Can you come up here?"

Sandy nodded, getting out of the recliner and slipping off her shoes, before sliding into the bed and carefully pulling JJ into her arms.

"Want to talk?" she said softly, her voice barely above a whisper.

JJ nodded, gripping her mom's hands as she took a deep breath. "I'm kinda scared...cancer is really...scary"

Sandy waited patiently as JJ struggled to find the words to describe how she was feeling. She knew it was hard; at eleven years old, JJ barely had the knowledge and vocabulary to articulate her thoughts.

"Does it confuse you?" she asked, trying to find an open question that would help JJ organise her thoughts.

JJ thought for a moment, looking up at her mom as she opened her mouth to speak.

"Not really...I mean...yeah...I...I don't know," she sighed, her voice filled with defeat. "I don't know"

"It's ok, take your time," Sandy said gently, rubbing small circles on JJ's upper back.

"I kind of know about my disease...but I don't know a lot about cancer itself...and the treatments...all I know about them is they make me feel really sick...it feels like I just have all these different medicines and tests...I don't know what they're doing to me," JJ tried to explain. "I don't like feeling like this. I want to be normal...but I know I don't have a choice.

Kissing JJ's forehead, Sandy squeezed her hand. "After we wake up, I'll have a chat with Doctor Edmonds. See if he can take some time to sit with you and explain it all again, would that help?"

JJ nodded, snuggling closer to her mom with a contented smile. "Yeah"

"This time next year, things will start to go back to normal. We just have to conquer this battle first. And don't you worry too much, little monkey. I know a lot of it's hard for you to understand...but I understand what they're doing, and I wouldn't let them do anything that I didn't think was going to help you. You're safe with me," Sandy added, kissing the tip of JJ's nose and making her little girl giggle.

"Ok"

A few minutes of silence passed with mother and daughter simply cuddling together under the covers of the bed.

Sandy was just starting to doze off again when JJ spoke.

"Mom? Why did this happen to me?" she asked softly. "I wish I could go back and change something"

Sandy felt her heart tug painfully at her baby girl's words. "Jen...nothing we could've done would've stopped you from being diagnosed with cancer"

JJ looked up at her mom, her eyes wide. "Why?"

Sandy took a deep breath. "Medulloblastoma is a DNA gene cancer that starts at a fetal stage. It's been in your system since before you were born. You were going to have it inevitably, it just depended on when. Your tumor has been growing since you were a baby; medulloblastoma tumors grow very very slowly, and they don't get noticed until they're big enough to cause problems. That tumor is why you've been a klutz your whole life. Because it was on your brain stem, it's been affecting your coordination for as long as you have lived. That's why you took longer than most children to start walking, it's why you used to struggle with fine motor skills, and it's why you tend to be clumsier than most people"

"Really?" JJ asked in disbelief.

Sandy nodded, swallowing back the tears that had formed.

JJ cuddled in closer to her mom. "I'll beat it Mom. I promise I will"

Kissing JJ's head, Sandy held her closer. "I know you will monkey. I know you will"

How she prayed that everything would work out how they wanted it to.


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N: Chloe will be spending Easter weekend in hospital having chemo, away from her family, unable to even feel good despite not being able to eat anything anyway. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful~ - Norman Vincent Peale_

* * *

**December 19, 1989**

Another three days in hospital had led to JJ practically bouncing through the door when they were finally home, despite her walking getting progressively worse with each passing day.

Her counts had settled after two days, but her treatment pain had persisted, which prompted Dr Edmonds to get her a pain pump.

The small pump had provided a noticeable difference in pain relief almost immediately. It was infused into her system via her spinal cord, going in in the same place she'd had her spinal tap. The drugs had made JJ feel so good that Edmonds had sent her home the following day.

Michael and Sandy knew that the pain pump meant JJ was getting worse, but seeing her so vibrant and happy when she was home made it worth it.

* * *

"MOM!"

Dropping the mug she was rinsing into the sink, Sandy raced out of the kitchen and into the lounge room, where JJ was struggling to pull herself to her feet.

"What is it Jen? What's wrong?" Sandy asked urgently. "What hurts?"

"Mom, nothing hurts! It's almost Christmas...and we don't have any decorations, or even a TREE!" JJ exclaimed, grabbing her mom's hands. "We have to have a tree, where is Santa gonna put the presents?"

Sandy chuckled to herself, squeezing JJ's hands. "We've been really busy hon...we've had a lot going on"

"I know Mom, but we _need a tree_!" JJ persisted, tugging on her mom's hands. Her exuberant behaviour was lifting Sandy's spirits; despite her appearance, for once JJ didn't come across as a child with cancer.

She was coming across just like the old JJ.

Sandy laughed. "If it's such a big deal, we can put it up once Dad and James are home, ok?"

"Yes yes yes!" JJ exclaimed, throwing her arms around her mom. "That would be perfect"

"Ok then," Sandy chuckled, hugging JJ gently.

"But Mom, you have to promise that _I_ get to put the star on top. Promise?"

Sandy laughed once more. "I promise"

* * *

Reaching up, JJ carefully hung the glittering ball ornament from the highest branch she could reach. As her walking was getting worse, she found it harder to be on her feet for longer than a few minutes. Thus she had been tasked with decorating the lower branches of the tree from her wheelchair.

Reaching down as her mom and dad shared a quick kiss amidst laughter, she pulled out another ornament from the box.

Holding it in her hands, she realised what it was she had grabbed.

A handmade decoration, a shimmering red frame constructed out of popsicle sticks and glitter. JJ had made it in first grade and given it to her mom and dad as a present. In the frame was a picture of Rosaline, James, and JJ, smiling from the embrace of both of their parents.

"You ok JJ?" James asked softly, kneeling down beside his sister's chair.

JJ tried to nod, but found she couldn't as tears welled up in her eyes.

"This is our first Christmas without Roz," she choked out, looking at her brother. "I miss her, why...why is she gone?"

Reaching over to the coffee table, James grabbed a tissue. Glad that his parents were too wrapped up in laughing and having fun with each other to notice JJ's little upset, he gently tipped up JJ's chin and wiped away her tears.

"JJ, you know Roz was really sad. That doesn't mean we have to agree with what she did, but she was really very sad. She's gone. It's hard for all of us-"

"I miss her so much," JJ cut in, her voice barely above a whisper.

James felt his heart break at the sadness in his sister's voice. "I know JJ, I miss her too. But how about we decorate this tree, and we decorate it for Roz? She always loved Christmas"

"Yeah," JJ said softly, a small smile creeping onto her face. "She did"

James smiled. "We'll decorate it for her, and then wherever she is, she can see it and enjoy a little bit of Christmas too"

JJ nodded. "Ok"

"Give me a hug," James said warmly, holding his arms out to his sister. JJ giggled as she leaned in, resting her head against James' shoulder as he gave her a quick squeeze.

"Let's decorate this tree, hey?" James asked as he pulled away. JJ nodded, smiling widely as she reached out and hung the little frame from a branch.

* * *

"I'm not going to hurt you, am I?" Michael asked anxiously.

"No Dad, just lift me up!" JJ said excitedly, holding the star in her hands. "Hurry!"

Sandy laughed at her daughter. "Jen, the tree's not going anywhere!"

"Dad, just hurry up and lift her before she has a coronary," James teased. JJ's only response was to stick her tongue out at her brother while their dad shook his head at his kids.

Holding her under her arms, Michael carefully lifted JJ up to the top of the tree, being mindful of her central line; the last thing he wanted to do was hurt her.

With a smile lighting up her face, JJ reached out and placed the star on top of the tree. As soon as she let go, James flicked the switch to turn on the tree lights as Michael held JJ in his arms.

"It's so pretty!" JJ said excitedly, making her family laugh. Wrapping her arms around her dad's neck as James walked over to join them, she smiled happily.

"Roz would love it," she said softly.

Sandy's eyes grew bright, but she couldn't help but smile at her youngest child.

"Yes she would Jaybird. She definitely would," Michael replied warmly, pressing a kiss to JJ's cheek.

Christmas would be different. But it would be special nonetheless.


	34. Chapter 34

**A/N: An Easter theme to this one!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~If you have a sister and she dies, do you stop saying you have one? Or are you always a sister, even when the other half of the equation is gone?~ - Jodi Picoult_

* * *

**December 23, 1989**

"She's not having a good day"

The defeated tone in his wife's voice made Michael look up from the morning paper. Sandy looked exhausted, her hair scraped back in a messy ponytail away from her pale face. In her hand was a garbage bag full of tissues and used disposable emesis bowls.

"Yeah? How so?" Michael asked as Sandy walked over to the trashcan and dumped the garbage bag into it.

"She's tired and in pain, but it's mostly because she's having a really spewy day," Sandy sighed. "Can you take the trashcan out and empty it into the garbage?"

Michael nodded, rising from his chair. "Sure. Is there anything else I can do?"

Sandy shook her head, turning back towards the stairs. "Not right now. I'm just trying to get her comfortable, but she's so unwell it's almost impossible"

"Why is she so sick when she finished treatment almost a month ago?" Michael asked, tying off the top of the large garbage bag and lifting it from the can.

"Edmonds said this would happen. She has strings of good days and then her body gets run down and she ends up sick," Sandy explained, ascending the stairs as Michael headed for the back door.

Reaching the landing, she went straight to JJ's room, closing the door behind her once she was inside.

JJ lay motionless on her bed, her eyes half closed as her chest rose and fell. Her expression was one of pain, and Sandy found herself wishing there was something she could do to take her daughter's pain away.

It scared Sandy to see how thin JJ was. Before they had known she was sick, JJ had been a petite child, but toned and strong from her years of playing soccer. Now, all the muscle was gone, and so was a lot of her weight.

Her T-shirt was one she had had for a couple of years; a Billy Joel T-shirt she had found at a garage sale. It had always been big on her, but now, it almost looked like she was drowning amongst the fabric.

"Not too much longer and your anti nausea drugs should kick in," Sandy said softly, sitting down on the edge of JJ's bed and taking her daughter's hand.

JJ nodded, her eyes barely open as she turned her head to look at her mom.

"Mom?" she asked softly.

"Yeah baby?" Sandy replied, resting her hand against the top of JJ's head. It still unnerved her to feel the smooth skin there instead of long blonde hair, but as long as JJ still had her old spark, it was something she could handle.

"I wanna hear about Roz," JJ whispered. "Can you tell me a story about Roz?"

Sandy swallowed thickly, taking a deep breath as she moved her hand to hold JJ's. It had been six months since her oldest child, her first baby had taken her own life. But despite the time that had passed and the things she'd been preoccupied with, it didn't hurt Sandy's heart any less.

But for JJ...she would push through it.

Smiling at JJ, Sandy took another deep breath. "I know you thought your sister was selfish when she died...we all did. But she never was. Rosaline didn't have a selfish bone in her body"

"Yeah?" JJ said.

Sandy chuckled. "Absolutely"

Looking at JJ, she wondered if she really wanted to share the story she had in mind with her daughter. It had been such a rough time for the family...but then again, she was sharing it to show to her youngest just how kind Rosaline's heart had been.

"Back when you were about five or six, we really struggled to make ends meet. Your dad lost his job and had a hard time getting a new one, and I barely made enough to get by. It was around Easter, and we weren't sure if we were going to be able to get you kids something for the holiday. Rosaline knew we didn't have a great deal of money, and came to me one afternoon while you were playing in the lounge room. And you know what she told me?"

JJ shook her head. "What?"

Sandy smiled. "She said to me 'Mom, James and I don't mind if we don't get anything for Easter, as long as JJ gets something nice'. And she was only as old as you are now"

"She really said that?" JJ asked in surprise.

"She did," Sandy chuckled. "So you see Jen, while you two fought, and while I know you were so hurt by what she did...Rosaline loved you endlessly. You were sisters...a bond that can never be broken. All she ever wanted was to make sure that _you_ were happy. She always put you before her"

Tears stinging her eyes, JJ reached up weakly, allowing her mom to pull her into a cautious hug.

"I really miss her," she said, bursting into tears as she spoke.

Sandy squeezed her eyes shut, rubbing JJ's back gently. "I know baby girl, I know. I miss her too"

The hug broke after a prolonged amount of time. After that, Sandy sat on the edge of JJ's bed for another four hours, as JJ was still vomiting. She rubbed her daughter's back, wiped her mouth, and disposed of the tissues and bowls while JJ tried to nap in between bouts of nausea.

On her way back up the stairs after disposing of another full garbage bag, Sandy stopped halfway, leaning against the wall and closing her eyes.

As the first few tears fell to the carpeted staircase, it was as though she could feel her heart tearing in two.

Her youngest daughter was so sick, and there was nothing Sandy could do to help her, except support her and comfort her.

Her son was lost in translation; seemingly on his own as his parents ran frantic trying to help their ailing child.

And her eldest daughter was just gone.

Just like that.


	35. Chapter 35

**A/N: Chloe is home! One more round of chemo to go!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

* * *

_~Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas~ - Calvin Coolidge_

* * *

**December 25, 1989**

"JJ," James said slowly and softly, his voice just above a whisper as he knelt by his sister's bed. "Jennifer"

He grinned as a smirk crossed his sister's face. He knew she was just messing with him.

"Jennifer," he said again, a teasing lilt to his voice.

"Call me Jennifer one more time and I'll smack you upside the head," JJ replied, her eyes remaining closed as she pulled her blankets further up to her chin.

James laughed. "You're an absolute charmer you are. Everyone thinks you're so cute, and you really aren't. You do remember what day it is, don't you?"

JJ's eyes snapped open as she pushed her blankets away. "It's Christmas!" she said excitedly, pulling herself up to sit on the edge of the bed. "Is it snowing James, is it!?"

James nodded, grinning at his sister's excitement. "It sure is. Look," he told her, pointing out her bedroom window.

Staggering off her bed, JJ managed to cross the short distance from her bed to the window. Her gasp of awe as she pressed her hands to the window made James smile.

The yard below was covered in a layer of white snow, glistening in the weak light.

"Wanna go downstairs?" James asked, moving behind her.

"Yes yes yes! Move James!" JJ almost squealed as she turned and pushed against his chest, making her brother laugh.

"Just hold your horses, ok? Want me to carry you down there?" he offered, knowing it was getting harder and harder for her to walk around on her own.

JJ nodded, moving back to her bed and managing to climb up so she was standing on the mattress.

James followed, standing with his back to JJ. With a little leap, JJ jumped onto his back, making James groan.

"Jeez...you're heavy," he teased, holding her securely as she looped her arms around his neck.

"Am not," JJ retorted as he started to carry her out to the landing. "I'm as light as a feather"

James laughed, shaking his head at his sister. He loved that no matter how badly she was deteriorating, she was still a strong willed smartass.

As they reached the stairs, JJ (with a lot of effort) locked her ankles around James' waist, so that he could use one hand to stay steady as they carefully descended the steps.

"Don't fall James," JJ said softly.

"I won't fall," James replied quickly.

"I mean it James, don't fall," JJ said with a giggle.

"I'll throw you down if you keep it up," James teased. JJ laughed, clutching at her brother as he started down the first few steps.

Making it down the stairs without incident, James carried his sister into the kitchen, where their parents were already up, drinking coffee and talking quietly. As soon as he passed the door, he started to run as best he could with JJ on his back.

"There's the troublemakers," Michael teased.

"Can't talk Dad! Have presents to open!" JJ shrieked as James ran past them into the lounge room. Their parents laughed, clutching their coffees as they got up and followed their children.

James set JJ down near the Christmas tree, pulling her wheelchair over so she could get it if she needed it. As she sat down on the floor, he searched beneath the tree for a few presents with her name on them.

"Ah, here we go," he said, dragging three out as their parents sat down on the nearby lounge suite.

JJ grinned in delight, grabbing one from the small stack and starting to remove the wrapping. As James dug out some of his own gifts, she completely unwrapped the first gift, revealing two beanies; a plain black one, and one with a soccer ball pattern.

"Cool!" JJ exclaimed, jamming the soccer ball beanie onto her head. "I love it!"

"Now your head looks like a soccer ball," James teased as he opened one of his own presents.

"Oh haha," JJ replied sarcastically, making her dad laugh.

It didn't take very long for the two to open all their presents sitting beneath the tree. In the meantime, Sandy and Michael had exchanged gifts, sharing a kiss as their oblivious children pored over their presents.

JJ had a neat stack in front of her with her beanie, some books, various items of clothing, two new board games, a Rubiks cube, and a wooden star puzzle. She was already attempting to line up the colours on the Rubiks cube, her tongue poking out the side of her mouth in concentration.

James had received the usual haul of books and clothing, as well as some new cassette tapes, a Team USA hat, a Rubiks cube, and a brand new soccer ball of his own.

"You got a Ruby cube too!" JJ said happily.

James laughed. "Rubiks cube, JJ, it's called a Rubiks cube"

"Do you like your gifts?" Sandy asked, moving down to sit beside her daughter.

"Yes," James and JJ replied in unison.

"I love them," JJ added, smiling at her mom before turning back to the Rubiks cube.

Neither of the kids realised their father had left the room until they heard him clear his throat.

Turning around, they found him standing in the middle of the room, holding a box in his hands.

"James...JJ," he started, setting the box down on the coffee table. "You guys have been through a lot in these past six months, especially you JJ. And you have both handled everything so well. So your mom and I wanted to get you each something special as a reward for getting through this year in the manner that you have," he explained. "JJ, this is for you"

Picking the box up again, he crossed the remainder of the room and set it down in front of JJ, sitting down on the edge of the coffee table as James moved closer.

JJ hesitantly hooked her fingers around the flap on top of the box. What could her parents have gotten her that would fit inside it?

Lifting both flaps, she looked into the box.

Letting out a gasp, tears welled up in her eyes as she reached in and lifted out a tiny dark grey kitten with white paws.

James broke into a huge smile as Sandy and Michael laughed out of happiness. The look of surprise that had crossed JJ's face had made all the trouble of getting the little kitten all worth it.

"You got me a kitten?" JJ asked tearfully, cuddling the little ball of fluff close to her chest. Tears were falling down her pale cheeks, indicating her joy.

Sandy nodded, putting her arm around JJ's shoulders. "We did, he's all yours"

"Thank you," JJ replied, handing the kitten to James so she could hug her parents. Once he was safely in James' grasp, she hugged her mom tightly, holding on for a moment before letting go and turning to her dad.

"Love you sweetheart," Michael murmured, kissing the top of JJ's head.

"Love you too," JJ replied, wiping her eyes before taking the kitten back from James. Sniffling, she giggled when the kitten snuggled into the curve of her neck.

"What are you going to call him?" James asked.

JJ smiled, lifting the kitten up so she could see him. Looking at his little white paws, her smile grew bigger.

"Mister Toes," she said with a nod. "'Cause he looks like he has socks on"

Sandy and Michael smiled, getting to their feet and putting their arms around each other as they watched JJ snuggle her new pet.

"Well, shall we go and see James' surprise?" Sandy suggested.

James nodded eagerly, making his parents laugh. He got to his feet, gathering up all the wrapping paper and throwing it in the garbage while Michael helped JJ into her wheelchair.

With Mr Toes in JJ's lap, a blanket wrapped around JJ, and Michael pushing the chair, they headed outside to the garage, bundled against the cold weather.

"Ok, James...this is for you," Sandy said happily, releasing the catch on the garage door and allowing it to roll up.

James' eyes almost bugged out of his head as he saw his father's old 1977 Chevy Malibu sitting in the middle of the garage, gleaming in the weak morning sun that was now filtering through the open door.

"What?! Really?" he asked excitedly, taking a few steps towards the car.

"Absolutely. I've been fixing it up for a while with the intention of giving it to you. This was the perfect time," Michael replied with a laugh.

"Wow. Thank you guys so much," James breathed, still unable to wipe the smile off his face.

"Hey James," JJ piped up, rolling the chair closer and nudging her brother's side. "You gotta take me for a spin. Take me to McDonalds"

James grinned. "JJ, that stuff will give you cancer"

JJ burst out laughing, holding Mr Toes to her chest as she looked up at her big brother, who was also laughing at his own joke.

Sandy watched her kids laughing, unable to believe just how good JJ's sense of humour was. James' comment had stunned her slightly, until JJ started laughing.

"They're not our children," she said softly.

Michael laughed, putting his arm around his wife. "No they're not"

* * *

They had managed a short visit to Michael's parents' house, where the family were gathered for Christmas celebrations that year. Most of the family hadn't seen JJ since before her diagnosis, and while they had been shocked to see the condition she was in, they had showered her with love and attention as they had always done. Mr Toes had been brought along, as he was too little to be left alone, and he had been the family favourite of the day.

They had stayed for lunch, but it hadn't taken long for JJ to start tiring out. After exchanging presents, they had bid their goodbyes and taken their two children home.

Both JJ and Mr Toes had fallen asleep on the way home, creating such a cute little pair that Sandy hadn't been able to resist taking a picture.

Upon arriving home, Michael carried JJ and her new kitten upstairs to bed. JJ had snuggled beneath her blankets, Mr Toes tucked into the tiny space beneath her chin as both of them slept soundly.

Pulling the door closed but leaving a small gap so Mr Toes could get out if he needed, Michael turned to find Sandy stepping onto the landing.

"She asleep?" she asked softly.

Michael nodded. "She's all tuckered out. So is Mr Toes"

Sandy chuckled as Michael put his arm around her and they began to make their way back downstairs. "She's already attached to him"

Michael nodded. "Good. Tomorrow we'll have to talk to her about the responsibilities of having a cat"

"He won't be too difficult. He's mostly house trained already"

Entering the lounge room, they found James sprawled out on the couch watching TV, turning the Rubik's cube in his hand.

"Had a good day?" Michael asked, sitting down on the adjacent lounger, pulling Sandy down to sit beside him.

"Yeah I did. Thanks again for the car. It means a lot," James replied, sitting up and setting the cube down beside him.

"It was yours from the day I got the new one James. You just didn't know it," Michael said with a wink. James grinned, pulling the sleeves on his jacket down as a chill ran down his spine. God it was cold.

"I think JJ had a good day," he added.

Sandy smiled widely as she thought of her sleeping girl upstairs. "One of her best days," she agreed, looking out the window at the snow falling from the grey sky. "One of her best days in a long time"


End file.
